WAG Why Are Parents the Enemy?

[wallinbl]

I think much of the concern is over failure to communicate in the abnormal situations you list. What causes anxiety for parents is not being able to trust that the coach will initiate communication when something like this comes up. Then you find out at move-up time when it's too late to do anything about it.

I think a lot of coaches have a default "don't trust" for parents until they learn which ones they can trust. I'm not saying I agree with that, but having coached another sport, I understand it completely.

Trust has to go both ways, and I've been reading this forum for years, and talking to parents for years, and I'd say that most parents don't allow coaches any amount of trust by default. They won't trust a coach until they've shown that they're worthy of it. I think that's human nature, but it's also harmful to the relationship, and it feeds this feeling that the coaches should communicate more than they do.

In short, until each side gives the other side some benefit of the doubt, it's going to stay like this.

 

[Tigtimes]

Read this a long time ago. Still sticks with me..... think there is a bit of the "why" answer in it. Trust is the key on both sides as the post above so perfectly states.

http://www.nuvo.net/voices/guest_vo...cle_768c0500-0f5b-5b63-961d-b2be73b3d7f3.html

 

[suebee]

I think a lot of coaches have a default "don't trust" for parents until they learn which ones they can trust. I'm not saying I agree with that, but having coached another sport, I understand it completely.

Trust has to go both ways, and I've been reading this forum for years, and talking to parents for years, and I'd say that most parents don't allow coaches any amount of trust by default. They won't trust a coach until they've shown that they're worthy of it. I think that's human nature, but it's also harmful to the relationship, and it feeds this feeling that the coaches should communicate more than they do.

In short, until each side gives the other side some benefit of the doubt, it's going to stay like this.

I can't speak for all parents but I also run a child's competitive activity and I'm a parent with kids in many different activities. I think that most parents don't initially distrust coaches, but they are neutral about them, until the coach has either shown to be trustworthy or not trustworthy. We all know that some coaches are abusive and if most parents assumed coaches were abusive, most parents would be watching every minute of practice.

But I agree with you that many coaches seem to immediately distrust parents. And as a parent, I find it's hard to trust someone who obviously distrusts you and thinks so little of you. It's also impossible for the parents to earn trust from the coaches if not given the opportunity to do so.

Dd's coaches don't communicate with me at all. I read here about yearly conferences, written progress reports, team meetings - I have not gotten any of that. The gym obviously communicates about practice schedules, meet schedules, and money due, but I have not exchanged more than 10 words with dd's coach this year, which were probably hi, thanks, bye, see you later. Same with last year's coach. I don't have the coach's email address or phone number to text. I guess if I wanted to set up a meeting with the coach, I'd have to try to do it through the front desk of the gym - but I'm not sure how that would work since the time I emailed the front desk to ask a quick administrative (not specific to my dd) question, I got no response at all.

I am getting the message loud and clear that the coaches want me to just pay money and bring my kid and otherwise butt out. And I do it, but yes, this has not built up my trust in the coaches.

I know from the coach profiles on the gym's website, dd's coaches have all been competitive gymnasts at high levels. But some of them have been very young, and not had much coaching experience. Being an expert in gymnastics does not necessarily mean you have an understanding of child development and understand what else is going on for the kid, nor that you're at teaching the skills you once were able to do.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Yes I am responsible for all.

Just want to be sure I have this right. There are no other coaches coaching them but you.? One coach for 90 girls?

 

[wallinbl]

But I agree with you that many coaches seem to immediately distrust parents. And as a parent, I find it's hard to trust someone who obviously distrusts you and thinks so little of you. It's also impossible for the parents to earn trust from the coaches if not given the opportunity to do so.

When I started coaching competitive soccer, I trusted the parents, assuming they would all do the right thing for their kids. I communicated everything freely, as that's my nature. When I learned that nearly anything I said could trigger an overly zealous parent to start coming down on their kid over a sport, I became much more cautious. I communicate with parents, but much more carefully, and only share certain things with parents I know won't torture their kids with it. Even something as simple as rewarding a nonstarter with a game start because she has been working hard can lead to the parent of the starter ripping the girl for not putting in more effort (as if that makes any sense to do). Naively, early on I believed parents would be happy to see that kind of girl see the rewards of her hard work.

(Coaching rec soccer is great with the parents, because it has nothing to do with merit and therefore no skill judgments about other peoples' kids)

 

[B&M's mom]

My DD recently changed sports and we began the search for a new club for her to train at. I contacted a highly recommended one and spoke with the head coach. He told me point blank that before they would consider adding her to the team, they would have to see if they could work with me. It was the first time a coach had been so upfront about it but I know that other coaches feel the same way. (I apparently passed as they did add her to the team practices).

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Just want to be sure I have this right. There are no other coaches coaching them but you.? One coach for 90 girls?

We have several Coaches but I am the head coach . So I am responsible /accountable to all kids and parents

 

[tuckfull]

Read this a long time ago. Still sticks with me..... think there is a bit of the "why" answer in it. Trust is the key on both sides as the post above so perfectly states.

http://www.nuvo.net/voices/guest_vo...cle_768c0500-0f5b-5b63-961d-b2be73b3d7f3.html

Well, that was a depressing article. The author pretty much lost me when he drew a direct line to a kid who doesn't get to start at first base on his baseball team turning into a school shooter, and a girl who doesn't make the cheerleading team cutting her wrists and becoming a porn star. Seriously?? NOT funny, not clever and certainly not the answer to the mistrust between parents and coaches. I understand the article is trying the illustrate how "over the top" parents can be when they are trying to live vicariously through their kid and their kid's sport, and yes, there are plenty that do that. In fact, the one CGM at our gym goes out of her way to let everyone know that she doesn't care at all how her DD performs and actually hopes she'll quit, but she's also the mom who complains about the coaches to other parents, is the first to email the coaches with an issue and then can barely watch a meet because she's so anxious about her kid's scores. No matter how trusting and supportive the rest of the team parents are, this is the type of CGM behavior that causes our coaches to not want to interact with any parents. And really, who can blame them?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

We have several Coaches but I am the head coach . So I am responsible /accountable to all kids and parents

Ahhhh, so you could split up the parent conference duties

 

[Deleted member 18037]

My DD recently changed sports and we began the search for a new club for her to train at. I contacted a highly recommended one and spoke with the head coach. He told me point blank that before they would consider adding her to the team, they would have to see if they could work with me. It was the first time a coach had been so upfront about it but I know that other coaches feel the same way. (I apparently passed as they did add her to the team practices).

I think I actually love that

 

[dbean]

I think for the most part communication is great at our gym and parents, kids and coaches are very social. I have definitely been "that parent" but when I notice I get that way I take a step back...

I think the only time communication is bad is when the kids come home crying because they feel defeated or not worthy. This happens frequently, same coach, same event, different kids, different levels.

There is an ongoing issue where one of the event coaches plays favorites. It is bad enough other coaches (whether they should or not) have said something and at least a dozen kids in two different levels have said something. (Some have since moved to different gyms)

I finally told my daughter, 11, to talk to her coach because she was starting to hate herself and gymnastics. She cried the entire time she talked to him..but as a parent..I stood right beside her and supported her...things changed for a few weeks but around states it went back to...you three go work over there and you three come with me...

I think in that case either the girls need to approach the coach or, if scared, ask a parent there for moral support...that is when, IMHO, parents should get involved but be open minded and get both sides of the story...

 

[exgymnastmomx3]

After sitting in the fishbowl for over 10 years at several gyms during my 3 dd's gymnastics careers after listening to parents comments about the coaches, about the other gymnasts, about their own kids, coaching from the sidelines, etc., would I want to coach? I've been asked to coach multiple times throughout the past 10 years and am still getting asked today. It's because of the parents that I say no. I don't want to deal with all of the things I've heard over the years! I do have a gymnastics background and so many parents believe their child needs to be moved up, when they shouldn't, they don't see why coaches move other kids up instead of theirs, they coach from the sidelines because they think they know better, they undermine the coaches behind their back. I've heard it all! Coaches are not stupid-they hear what parents say. That's my experience from the coaches I know and why I wouldn't want to be a coach!

 

[chalkbowl]

I really hope this thread makes some better coaches. Dealing with gym coaches is the worst part of parenting.

Just sayin'.

When I was the main person in charge of communication for my gym I often read through ChalkBucket threads to see what parents were wanting as far as communication was concerned. I created monthly newsletters that included meet information, hotel information, door entry costs for meet, new skills, and updates on what we were doing in training (if we had changed up conditioning recently, if the girls were working more routines in preparation for states, ect.) Then I would get emails complaining that Suzie's new skill wasn't included or that I was sending out too many emails or that there was too much information to read through. We were holding parent/athlete/coach conferences twice a year...once at the beginning of season typically for the entire group of parents and then one-on-one meetings at the end of season. Despite explaining exactly why Suzie was or wasn't moved up, parents still found something wrong with the process. That it was too subjective or that the coaches just didn't like their kid and gave them a low score so they wouldn't move up.

The percentage of "crazy" parents didn't matter, because nothing I ever did was right. During the time I can count on one hand the number of times parents said "Thank you for taking the time out of your schedule to meet with us." Multiply that number by 5 and that was the amount of "complaining" emails I got per week from parents. I eventually determined that maybe my personality just wasn't right for the job and that I needed to get thicker skin! It definitely wore me down emotionally & physically (i.e. lack of sleep because a parent thought I didn't like their child) and left me drained when it came down to doing my actual job...coaching their child.

 

[ayyyrial]

[QUOTE=", parents playing on the equipment while they're waiting,

This is actually a thing??? Who knew? I have always wondered what it would be like to jump into the foam pit!

Seriously though, on what planet would any parent think that was ok? [/QUOTE]

We've had quite a few. There is a set of pbars pretty close to where the parents sit and some parents (especially men) will want to try something. We've also had quite a few parents doing their yoga stretches on the floor before class starts - definitely not allowed, for liability reasons and because coaches need to set up. We have a sign now but it still happens.

 

[amiandjim]

This is actually a thing??? Who knew? I have always wondered what it would be like to jump into the foam pit!

Seriously though, on what planet would any parent think that was ok?

We've had quite a few. There is a set of pbars pretty close to where the parents sit and some parents (especially men) will want to try something. We've also had quite a few parents doing their yoga stretches on the floor before class starts - definitely not allowed, for liability reasons and because coaches need to set up. We have a sign now but it still happens.[/QUOTE]

So your parents actually sit out in the gym??? That sounds like a recipe for disaster!

 

[MILgymFAM]

This is actually a thing??? Who knew? I have always wondered what it would be like to jump into the foam pit!

Seriously though, on what planet would any parent think that was ok?

We've had quite a few. There is a set of pbars pretty close to where the parents sit and some parents (especially men) will want to try something. We've also had quite a few parents doing their yoga stretches on the floor before class starts - definitely not allowed, for liability reasons and because coaches need to set up. We have a sign now but it still happens.[/QUOTE]

Oops! That reminds me- my husband has played on the pbars too. It's allowed at our gym, but yeah. He is barely ever at gym- I could count the total times on fingers- but if he is then he is playing on something or miserable. Classic ADHD.

 

[gymgal]

OMG. This reminds me of how my DD's L2 (pre-team) coach sent all the L2 parents an article on "how to parent our young athletes." I was so annoyed. Can you imagine if I sent the coaches all an article I found on the internet on how to coach, how inappropriate that would be? I don't tell coaches how to do their job, don't tell all of us parents how to do ours. Particularly if you don't have children of your own.

I have seen many of these type of articles (both from the gym and in various places) and I don't have a problem with them. In fact, I welcome them. Obviously depends on what is in a particular article but in general, raising an athlete that trains intensively (or has the potential to) is very different than raising your average child who participates in rec activities. You are dealing with a whole other level with psyche, nutrition, fatigue, parent-coaching, fears, stress, injury management, organizational skills to be able to handle school, life, and the sports, etc. This is very different than handing a person an article specifically tailored to their job (how to coach). The articles you refer to are more like a parent handing a coach and article about a medical/learning condition that the athlete has and how it may impact her ability to perform in practice. Completely relevant and the coach would likely be appreciative of it.

 

[Tigtimes]

understand the article is trying the illustrate how "over the top" parents can be when they are trying to live vicariously through their kid and their kid's sport, and yes, there are plenty that do that. In fact, the one CGM at our gym goes out of her way to let everyone know that she doesn't care at all how her DD performs and actually hopes she'll quit, but she's also the mom who complains about the coaches to other parents, is the first to email the coaches with an issue and then can barely watch a meet because she's so anxious about her kid's scores. No matter how trusting and supportive the rest of the team parents are, this is the type of CGM behavior that causes our coaches to not want to interact with a

Guess we are all entitled to our opinions and perceptions.
Obviously I don't condone the school shooter issue.
Again perceptions are funny things and people should look in the mirror
I

 

[wandrewsjr]

I have seen many of these type of articles (both from the gym and in various places) and I don't have a problem with them. In fact, I welcome them. Obviously depends on what is in a particular article but in general, raising an athlete that trains intensively (or has the potential to) is very different than raising your average child who participates in rec activities. You are dealing with a whole other level with psyche, nutrition, fatigue, parent-coaching, fears, stress, injury management, organizational skills to be able to handle school, life, and the sports, etc. This is very different than handing a person an article specifically tailored to their job (how to coach). The articles you refer to are more like a parent handing a coach and article about a medical/learning condition that the athlete has and how it may impact her ability to perform in practice. Completely relevant and the coach would likely be appreciative of it.

And this is the minefield coaches must tread carefully every day. The same article forwarded to parents can elicit responses from "how dare you tell me how to parent, you don't even have kids of your own" to "thanks for the info, it was helpful". The stress of navigating this is real, and I have seen otherwise excellent coaches quit and choose other professions because of it.

 

[ayyyrial]

So your parents actually sit out in the gym??? That sounds like a recipe for disaster!

There is no viewing area outside the gym space itself, just a narrow hallway with cubbies for kids' things and the bathrooms. Once you enter the gym, there is a seating/viewing area to one side with more cubbies and folding chairs for parents. It's pretty clear where the "gym" area starts, since it's blocked off by little gates and the seating area is on a wood floor, while the gym floor is matted and maybe 6-8" higher than the wood floor. It is not ideal - parents can't see the vault or the pit bar from the seating area, and with the younger kids especially the child (or parent) wants to interact when their class happens to be near the seating area. It definitely makes the parent/coach relationship harder because it gives parents an opportunity to try to talk to the coach or child during class. But with the building space the way it is, I don't think there's a better way.