Anon Would you keep your daughter home from state for bad behavior?

[Anonymous (d4e1)]

State is this weekend, but my husband doesn't want my daughter to go due to her manipulative and disrespectful behavior today. The behavior was toward us. My husband is furious, understandable given her behav, so, and I am upset too.

She has always been spoiled, but she has always been a great kid. Hardworking, helpful, kind to others, a fantastic student, does her chores, etc. About a month or two ago, we started noticing some changes and more bossy/sparky behavior. She has been getting terrible about interrupting and back talking, as well as making excuses. Today she took it to the extreme, and my husband wants us to not go to state this weekend.

 

[Anonymous (d4e1)]

State is this weekend, but my husband doesn't want my daughter to go due to her manipulative and disrespectful behavior today. The behavior was toward us. My husband is furious, understandable given her behav, so, and I am upset too.

She has always been spoiled, but she has always been a great kid. Hardworking, helpful, kind to others, a fantastic student, does her chores, etc. About a month or two ago, we started noticing some changes and more bossy/sparky behavior. She has been getting terrible about interrupting and back talking, as well as making excuses. Today she took it to the extreme, and my husband wants us to not go to state this weekend.

I don't know why this posted or how to edit it, unfortunately, but I wasn't finished writing.

Would you keep your daughter home from a state meet due to bad behavior to teach consequences?

 

[Dahlialover]

She is part of a team. If she does not attend she is failing to fulfil her responsibilities to the team. This is not an appropriate punishment because it punishes other people. It sounds like your daughter is turning into a tween and that is not something you can shock out of her with one giant dramatic punishment. It’s a journey. Good luck.

 

[Anonymous (d4e1)]

She is part of a team. If she does not attend she is failing to fulfil her responsibilities to the team. This is not an appropriate punishment because it punishes other people. It sounds like your daughter is turning into a tween and that is not something you can shock out of her with one giant dramatic punishment. It’s a journey. Good luck.

Thank you, very helpful comment.

 

[Anonymous (830c)]

Absolutely not. Behavior is communication. Figure out the why and address that, but imposing an unrelated consequence will only compound the issue.

I also agree with @Dahlialover about not letting her team down and these behaviors being a normal part of the developmental process.

That doesn’t mean that it’s easy though.

 

[Anonymous (ba17)]

Gymnastics is an individual sport, not a team sport. (Unless you’re talking high school, college or like a national team competition) Not going to state doesn’t let anyone else down. I’m very confused by the people saying that.

That being said I don’t think it’s the best punishment, but obviously don’t know all the details.

 

[Anonymous (db44)]

This is such normal development for girls. Is it right or fun? No. But I have to constantly remind my husband that our daughters are not bad or spoiled when they are acting this way. There are so many hormonal changes going on that they often don't know what they are saying or doing. Please do not punish her with taking away a healthy activity. That consequence does not relate at all to her actions.
Take away a privilege related to maturity until she shows that she can communicate respectfully. But... realize that she will lapse into snarky behavior often. I work with middle schoolers- it's a part of development and she needs to know your boundaries but also know your love and support.

 

[Anonymous (3222)]

Other meets? Yes; practice? Yes; states, no. Not only it is something they work so hard for to qualify, it is also because teams are divided into such small groups for each age group, and not going may disrupt the schedule, leave teammates compete by themselves, leave the age group not qualified for team awards, etc. my husband and I have divided opinions as well, I don’t like to use her obligation as a punishment. Almost all Girls go through this phase…I usually take away her iPad.

 

[Dahlialover]

Gymnastics is an individual sport, not a team sport. (Unless you’re talking high school, college or like a national team competition) Not going to state doesn’t let anyone else down. I’m very confused by the people saying that.

That being said I don’t think it’s the best punishment, but obviously don’t know all the details.

Do your gymnasts not compete for the team title at states? Is your gymnast not out there supporting their teammates and lifting them up at meets? My son and I discuss the importance of being a positive influence on the team frequently. He knows that I put being a good teammate ahead of medals in importance in this sport. If a gymnast is a positive influence on the team, then their absence will matter.

 

[Anonymous (ba17)]

Do your gymnasts not compete for the team title at states? Is your gymnast not out there supporting their teammates and lifting them up at meets? My son and I discuss the importance of being a positive influence on the team frequently. He knows that I put being a good teammate ahead of medals in importance in this sport. If a gymnast is a positive influence on the team, then their absence will matter.

I mean sure the levels that have enough girls compete for team awards. At state+ the girls are usually all alone anyway because of the age groups, or maybe might end up with one other teammate. Team awards aren’t even given out until the last session on Sunday night at states, where most of the team won’t even be there. I think last year we didn’t even have someone competing in that age group so no one even picked up the team award. It’s really not a focus at our gym at all.

 

[Anonymous (66ca)]

I know there are many parenting styles but a punishment of this nature seems absolutely awful from my perspective. How old is your daughter? I have a 12.5 year old and we've definitely seen more attitude and snarkiness, and I loathe that we are in this phase, but taking away a meet that she's essentially been working towards for an entire year? To me, that is a fast track to your daughter losing trust and faith in you and your husband as parents.

You already listed all the things and traits of hers that are strong. If this were me, I would approach it in the completely opposite way - with kindness and understanding as I try to determine what's going on that might be causing the behavior, especially because it's not aligned with her typical behavior. Also, I would never use gymnastics as a punishment - phone, outings with friends, other little freedoms - yes. But not a physical activity that she works hard for and is dedicated to.

 

[Anonymous (5a32)]

"She has always been spoiled" - well who did that?!? She didn't pop out of the womb spoiled.

Absolutely wrong punishment. I even questioned if this is a real post.