Anon Would you keep your daughter home from state for bad behavior?

[Anonymous (d4e1)]

State is this weekend, but my husband doesn't want my daughter to go due to her manipulative and disrespectful behavior today. The behavior was toward us. My husband is furious, understandable given her behav, so, and I am upset too.

She has always been spoiled, but she has always been a great kid. Hardworking, helpful, kind to others, a fantastic student, does her chores, etc. About a month or two ago, we started noticing some changes and more bossy/sparky behavior. She has been getting terrible about interrupting and back talking, as well as making excuses. Today she took it to the extreme, and my husband wants us to not go to state this weekend.

 

[Anonymous (d4e1)]

State is this weekend, but my husband doesn't want my daughter to go due to her manipulative and disrespectful behavior today. The behavior was toward us. My husband is furious, understandable given her behav, so, and I am upset too.

She has always been spoiled, but she has always been a great kid. Hardworking, helpful, kind to others, a fantastic student, does her chores, etc. About a month or two ago, we started noticing some changes and more bossy/sparky behavior. She has been getting terrible about interrupting and back talking, as well as making excuses. Today she took it to the extreme, and my husband wants us to not go to state this weekend.

I don't know why this posted or how to edit it, unfortunately, but I wasn't finished writing.

Would you keep your daughter home from a state meet due to bad behavior to teach consequences?

 

[Dahlialover]

She is part of a team. If she does not attend she is failing to fulfil her responsibilities to the team. This is not an appropriate punishment because it punishes other people. It sounds like your daughter is turning into a tween and that is not something you can shock out of her with one giant dramatic punishment. It’s a journey. Good luck.

 

[Anonymous (d4e1)]

She is part of a team. If she does not attend she is failing to fulfil her responsibilities to the team. This is not an appropriate punishment because it punishes other people. It sounds like your daughter is turning into a tween and that is not something you can shock out of her with one giant dramatic punishment. It’s a journey. Good luck.

Thank you, very helpful comment.

 

[Anonymous (830c)]

Absolutely not. Behavior is communication. Figure out the why and address that, but imposing an unrelated consequence will only compound the issue.

I also agree with @Dahlialover about not letting her team down and these behaviors being a normal part of the developmental process.

That doesn’t mean that it’s easy though.

 

[Anonymous (ba17)]

Gymnastics is an individual sport, not a team sport. (Unless you’re talking high school, college or like a national team competition) Not going to state doesn’t let anyone else down. I’m very confused by the people saying that.

That being said I don’t think it’s the best punishment, but obviously don’t know all the details.

 

[Anonymous (db44)]

This is such normal development for girls. Is it right or fun? No. But I have to constantly remind my husband that our daughters are not bad or spoiled when they are acting this way. There are so many hormonal changes going on that they often don't know what they are saying or doing. Please do not punish her with taking away a healthy activity. That consequence does not relate at all to her actions.
Take away a privilege related to maturity until she shows that she can communicate respectfully. But... realize that she will lapse into snarky behavior often. I work with middle schoolers- it's a part of development and she needs to know your boundaries but also know your love and support.

 

[Anonymous (3222)]

Other meets? Yes; practice? Yes; states, no. Not only it is something they work so hard for to qualify, it is also because teams are divided into such small groups for each age group, and not going may disrupt the schedule, leave teammates compete by themselves, leave the age group not qualified for team awards, etc. my husband and I have divided opinions as well, I don’t like to use her obligation as a punishment. Almost all Girls go through this phase…I usually take away her iPad.

 

[Dahlialover]

Gymnastics is an individual sport, not a team sport. (Unless you’re talking high school, college or like a national team competition) Not going to state doesn’t let anyone else down. I’m very confused by the people saying that.

That being said I don’t think it’s the best punishment, but obviously don’t know all the details.

Do your gymnasts not compete for the team title at states? Is your gymnast not out there supporting their teammates and lifting them up at meets? My son and I discuss the importance of being a positive influence on the team frequently. He knows that I put being a good teammate ahead of medals in importance in this sport. If a gymnast is a positive influence on the team, then their absence will matter.

 

[Anonymous (ba17)]

Do your gymnasts not compete for the team title at states? Is your gymnast not out there supporting their teammates and lifting them up at meets? My son and I discuss the importance of being a positive influence on the team frequently. He knows that I put being a good teammate ahead of medals in importance in this sport. If a gymnast is a positive influence on the team, then their absence will matter.

I mean sure the levels that have enough girls compete for team awards. At state+ the girls are usually all alone anyway because of the age groups, or maybe might end up with one other teammate. Team awards aren’t even given out until the last session on Sunday night at states, where most of the team won’t even be there. I think last year we didn’t even have someone competing in that age group so no one even picked up the team award. It’s really not a focus at our gym at all.

 

[Anonymous (66ca)]

I know there are many parenting styles but a punishment of this nature seems absolutely awful from my perspective. How old is your daughter? I have a 12.5 year old and we've definitely seen more attitude and snarkiness, and I loathe that we are in this phase, but taking away a meet that she's essentially been working towards for an entire year? To me, that is a fast track to your daughter losing trust and faith in you and your husband as parents.

You already listed all the things and traits of hers that are strong. If this were me, I would approach it in the completely opposite way - with kindness and understanding as I try to determine what's going on that might be causing the behavior, especially because it's not aligned with her typical behavior. Also, I would never use gymnastics as a punishment - phone, outings with friends, other little freedoms - yes. But not a physical activity that she works hard for and is dedicated to.

 

[Anonymous (5a32)]

"She has always been spoiled" - well who did that?!? She didn't pop out of the womb spoiled.

Absolutely wrong punishment. I even questioned if this is a real post.

 

[Anonymous (d4e1)]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I greatly appreciate it.

My initial reaction to my husband saying she shouldn't go was shock. Don't get me wrong, I disagree with her behavior, but not going to state never crossed my mind. I had a nice conversation with her yesterday after the incident, and she listened, apologized to me, and reiterated what was unacceptable about her behavior. When my husband said she shouldn't go later in the night, I thought maybe I was missing something or being too lenient. He always tells me I am too nice. Your replies were helpful; I am not crazy!

By spoiled, I mean she has undivided attention being an only child. She also has a lot of freedom and "stuff", but that is because she is a good kid, does her chores, is usually respectful.

 

[Anonymous (d4e1)]

I know there are many parenting styles but a punishment of this nature seems absolutely awful from my perspective. How old is your daughter? I have a 12.5 year old and we've definitely seen more attitude and snarkiness, and I loathe that we are in this phase, but taking away a meet that she's essentially been working towards for an entire year? To me, that is a fast track to your daughter losing trust and faith in you and your husband as parents.

You already listed all the things and traits of hers that are strong. If this were me, I would approach it in the completely opposite way - with kindness and understanding as I try to determine what's going on that might be causing the behavior, especially because it's not aligned with her typical behavior. Also, I would never use gymnastics as a punishment - phone, outings with friends, other little freedoms - yes. But not a physical activity that she works hard for and is dedicated to.

This is how I've felt about the situation from the start. Thank you for taking the time to post! It reassures and helps me believe that I am not crazy.

 

[Anonymous (53d9)]

If you want your child to resent you the rest of their life this is a good way of doing that.

Day after state though if you need some kind of behavioral correction that is the time to talk about it. But like others have said tweens and teens emotionally are going through a lot and teaching them to deal with their emotions is a lot more productive than punishing them for having them.

 

[Anonymous (da75)]

Gymnastics aside, there are two things.

First of all, her behaviour.

I think you did very well making sure you talk to her and that she understands her behavior is wrong. Have you asked her about where this is coming from? How sudden is it. It's possible it's coming from growing up, getting used to hormones, the stresses of teen life. But acting out can also be due to not knowing how to communicate a problem. That doesn't mean it's acceptable, you should absolutely teach her it's not, but it's also important to understand why she's acting this way.

Second of all, consequences.

Punishments and expectations should never come out of nowhere, or go from 0 to 100 too fast, in my opinion. If she's acting like this more often, how have you punished her before? Have you grounded her? If you go from, "oh honey please just don't do it again" to "that's it you're not going to states" suddenly, that's super unfair and she will experience it as such. She won't learn "my behavior is wrong", she'll learn "Mom and dad are unreasonable and I should start hiding stuff from them".

If you're already often giving her consequences for her actions, I still think not going to states is an unreasonable consequence for most behavior. That's something she might never get the chance to do again her whole life, you never know how things go. There's plenty of ways to punish somebody without taking away milestone moments in their life and hobbies. It's also entirely unfitting to what she did. If she was bullying her teammates, then it'd make sense. "These girls deserve a nice time at states and if you're gonna ruin that for them, you're not going". But even then it'd have to be the last resort imo. And never just as a sudden 0 to 100 ramp up out of nowhere. "Actions have consequences" only works if the consequences at least make some sense to the kid.

I am curious what she did though, that it brought on such a reaction from her father.

 

[Anonymous (23a9)]

No I think that going to States is something she earned through her work in gymnastics and should not be a consequence for poor choices in other areas.
Do I understand him thinking that way...yes I am sure the family is making sacrifices for her to go and if she is going to be disrespectful towards the people making those sacrifices they are not going to be so willing to make them.
Does this put you in an uncomfortable situation...yes!
Hopefully cooler heads prevailed and a compromise was found!
Think in 20 years how this time will be remembered and make a wise decision. Good luck!

 

[Anonymous (3222)]

Thank you everyone for your replies! I greatly appreciate it.

My initial reaction to my husband saying she shouldn't go was shock. Don't get me wrong, I disagree with her behavior, but not going to state never crossed my mind. I had a nice conversation with her yesterday after the incident, and she listened, apologized to me, and reiterated what was unacceptable about her behavior. When my husband said she shouldn't go later in the night, I thought maybe I was missing something or being too lenient. He always tells me I am too nice. Your replies were helpful; I am not crazy!

By spoiled, I mean she has undivided attention being an only child. She also has a lot of freedom and "stuff", but that is because she is a good kid, does her chores, is usually respectful.

Sounds like my husband, maybe it is a guy thing.

 

[Anonymous (3673)]

You might want to go check out some books on parenting tweens and teens. Your husband’s “I’ll show her who’s the boss” approach is a recipe for disaster. The only thing your daughter will take away from this is resentment and a burning desire to take back the power. Nothing good comes of this.