Parents At a loss...

[notthatmom]

I always remembered something Alicia Sacramone said in one of her interviews about her parents' involvement in her coaching at all and her response was something to the effect that she was greatful that they had maintained their parent roles because when times were rough, she needed her 2 parents and not 2 more coaches...

LOVE this!

 

[Taurus]

As a parent that gets the "frustration" part - I totally see where you are coming from & have reacted the very same way it's just different parenting styles, in my book. I think if I acted like it was no big deal, my DD would prob wonder why I stopped caring about her! It's a balancing act- supportive, fustrated, loving, it's just who you are! I have gone off the deep end and ended up apologizing too- but my DD knows me well enough not to take my initial reactions too seriously. you sound very level-headed & once your girl works out the kinks, it will be just fine again! Life is all about ups & downs - I try to remind myself to congratulate the good days & try to smooth over the rough - you both will do great!

 

[Deleted member 14190]

First off your original post reads "how not to handle fear issues" and is a great tutorial for future parents (I am not blaming you as your reaction is perfectly normal, but still horribly wrong). people are giving you the best advice and sadly you think by getting involved you are somehow supporting her. WRONG, Keep reading,
1. Back off, stop talking to her about it and leave her alone.
2. No privates
3. Read number one again and number six.
4. Talk privately with her coaches and ask them to back off and let her brain catch up.
5. Again, DONT TALK TO HER ABOUT ANYTHING and if she comes to you and tells you something your response must be, "oh it's okay honey don't worry about it, give it time". Thats it, every single time she tells you something, you say the same thing with total compete matter of fact and non caring attitude. And (this is important) when she tells you that she did something today, (mommy I did my back flip) DO NOT GET EXCITED, again "oh thats nice just keep working baby" in a total complete matter of fact and non caring attitude.
6. Do not watch workouts.

It's important to know that balking issues come from a variety of things but the lingering effects are based on how the situation is handled at inception and after. I describe these issues to my parents as being an injury instead of an issue (brain injury). As with any injury you need to rest it, then after a few weeks start a slow rehab with zero stress to the area injured (in this case it's the mind). This has nothing to do with skills and at this point everything to do with the mind.
I usually write, "hope this helps" at the end, but in this case this will help if you (parent) can do it.

 

[Tigtimes]

Coachp - you need to write a "gymnastics parenting for dummies" book. I seriously could have used it a few years ago This post should be added to Dunnos vestibular one and bookmarked.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Coachp - you need to write a "gymnastics parenting for dummies" book. I seriously could have used it a few years ago This post should be added to Dunnos vestibular one and bookmarked.

The problem is we as coaches and parents get so involved and think that we have a "special relationship that no one else has" so we think we are helping when in fact making it worse. In other words we don't believe things we read until it's too late. And unfortunately in fear issues there is such a thing as too late. Hope that makes sense

 

[Flicfliclay]

It sounds like you've gotten all the advice you need, but I just wanted to commend you on your mature posts! Some people would take serious offense at everyone telling them they handled it wrong, but you have been thankful and gracious. [emoji106]

It wasn't easy! I get it. I wanted to argue and say how mean they were, but I asked for advice and I got it. Sometimes a swift kick in the rear is what it takes.

 

[Flicfliclay]

I will hazard a guess that just about every one of the parents here (myself most definitely included) have overstepped the parent-coach boundary (trying to take on a role with our gymnast that is better left to the coaches) and the slim few who haven't have really REALLY wanted to. The people who are posting here are posting from a place of "lessons hard learned" and (hopefully) not from a place of judgement. Thanks for taking it in the spirit it was intended. And unfortunately your path will cross with parents in the gym who NEVER learn this lesson!

Being a parent is tough and being a gym mom is even harder! I do think most of the responses were genuinely trying to be helpful. It's hard to differentiate reading text as opposed to verbal. I took it as guidance and I'm glad I have a place to vent.

 

[Flicfliclay]

First off your original post reads "how not to handle fear issues" and is a great tutorial for future parents (I am not blaming you as your reaction is perfectly normal, but still horribly wrong). people are giving you the best advice and sadly you think by getting involved you are somehow supporting her. WRONG, Keep reading,
1. Back off, stop talking to her about it and leave her alone.
2. No privates
3. Read number one again and number six.
4. Talk privately with her coaches and ask them to back off and let her brain catch up.
5. Again, DONT TALK TO HER ABOUT ANYTHING and if she comes to you and tells you something your response must be, "oh it's okay honey don't worry about it, give it time". Thats it, every single time she tells you something, you say the same thing with total compete matter of fact and non caring attitude. And (this is important) when she tells you that she did something today, (mommy I did my back flip) DO NOT GET EXCITED, again "oh thats nice just keep working baby" in a total complete matter of fact and non caring attitude.
6. Do not watch workouts.

It's important to know that balking issues come from a variety of things but the lingering effects are based on how the situation is handled at inception and after. I describe these issues to my parents as being an injury instead of an issue (brain injury). As with any injury you need to rest it, then after a few weeks start a slow rehab with zero stress to the area injured (in this case it's the mind). This has nothing to do with skills and at this point everything to do with the mind.
I usually write, "hope this helps" at the end, but in this case this will help if you (parent) can do it.

Thank you

 

[ladybird]

What coachp said about not getting too excited when they get a skill is spot on! When we do this it makes it look like we are so super invested in their gymnastics that it makes US happy. Then Susie starts thinking, "Oh, I better get this skill so I can make mama happy." There just went all their internal motivation.

 

[LindyHopper]

What coachp said about not getting too excited when they get a skill is spot on! When we do this it makes it look like we are so super invested in their gymnastics that it makes US happy. Then Susie starts thinking, "Oh, I better get this skill so I can make mama happy." There just went all their internal motivation.

I really struggle with this, because I get excited because she is over the moon excited. She is so proud of her accomplishment, and I think she would be hurt if I didn't give her a high five, or at the very least a "that's awesome!" accompanied by a big smile.

 

[Ali'sMom]

The problem is we as coaches and parents get so involved and think that we have a "special relationship that no one else has" so we think we are helping when in fact making it worse. In other words we don't believe things we read until it's too late. And unfortunately in fear issues there is such a thing as too late. Hope that makes sense

Unfortunately in my DD's case, a coach who thought she could "fix it" pushed my DD too far.
We (the HCs, DD, and myself) have all finally come to the agreement that she will never do a BWO or BHS on beam. (this will be her last year, regardless, as a training L7, so it's possible to keep this promise). I don't care at all about the missing skill, but it makes me sad when I picture the panic attacks she had on beam that were caused from coach trying to fix her fear.

 

[ladybird]

@LindyHopper, it's definitely a balance. Don't get me wrong, I have definitely been over the moon excited when a skill she's been working on for two years finally clicks. Or even something I didn't know she was working on was suddenly a new skill.

You know the advice of "pick your battles?" We can change that to "pick your appropriate level of enthusiasm!"

 

[LJL07]

I never said that it wasn't good advice. I am not confusing writing a check and investing time with the notion of taking a step back either. I was just looking for advice as to what i can do to help my child. And YES it does get frustrating when you spend a ton of money and a problem continues.I support my child 100% and I wasn't given a handbook and how to handle all the problems that may come my way. BUT I am trying to look for ways to help. Hence why i posted this. I think he is correct in saying i need to take a step back and I certainly have nothing to lose by doing so.

I am going to be the lone voice of dissent and say I completely, completely understand where you are coming from!! I have a young optional level kid too, and our family's life semi-revolves around this sport due to the training hours and money. It's the truth. I also have an inconsistent kid who looks amazing one week and then opposite the next week. I have said all the things you have said to your child, whether it's right or wrong. Certainly it puts pressure on the child, but we are human and the sport is stressful on the whole family. What has helped us is to help DD set one goal at a time with her coach so it's not so overwhelming. And make the goals manageable and attainable. Try not to fix everything at once. The vestibular issue is worth considering for sure. I have to remind myself very often that 8 and 9 years old is very young to be doing this level of gymnastics so patience is required!! We are all doing the best we can!

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

It's all fun and games until it's hard and scary...and for your little 8yo is got hard and scary really early in her young life. Don't kid yourself, because she is uber talented, she makes it look easy...but it's not. I am also just curious, does your gym have many "younger" optionals (kids 8-10 training L7...or 9-11 training L8, etc)? What is the highest level competed successfully by your gym?

 

[GymCMLA]

I just had my first experience with parenting an optional with a mental block (and growth spurt) I adopted the phrase "I believe in you, that you can be positive and patient while you work through this".

 

[Flicfliclay]

It's all fun and games until it's hard and scary...and for your little 8yo is got hard and scary really early in her young life. Don't kid yourself, because she is uber talented, she makes it look easy...but it's not. I am also just curious, does your gym have many "younger" optionals (kids 8-10 training L7...or 9-11 training L8, etc)? What is the highest level competed successfully by your gym?

I know it's certainly not easy! Ha ha! There is only one other 8 year old optional at her gym. The others are 1-5 years older. Most being 3-5 years older in her level. Her gym has a smaller optionals team. 1 level 10, 3 level 8's. Her level group being the largest at 9.

 

[rjb123]

I have a young optional and this summer she hit her first true "fear" issue on beam. I knew she was afraid, her coaches knew it, heck she even said she was afraid! I zipped it, just reinforced the positive "you can do it! I believe in you!" and the coaches handled it. It was never a "big deal" so it never became a "big deal". She knows that I could give a hoot if she does gym or not- all I want is her to be happy. That said, it is so so easy to hop on the crazy train- we have all been there! Just deep breath and don't watch practice. My stress level is so much better when I have no clue what she is doing in there! HA! Especially now that the stuff is getting SCARY! (at least to me!)

 

[GYM0M]

I cannot add much that hasn't been said already. My DD has had a few mental blocks in her journey, some she whipped like icing, others she has lost battles, but ultimately wins the war! And I too would get frustrated! Not so much about the $$, time, choices (never use the word sacrifice), or even the skill, but instead, I was mostly annoyed because I could not get into her head and she would not tell me what she was thinking. I absolutely cannot stand it. I am her mother and I deserve to know every thought that crosses her mind!!!! Right??? Nope........ I don't. It made me realize just how precious those times were when she did tell me every thought and expected me to fix everything. But she's growing up, and to some extent, I'm happy that she is learning to cope with these types of things while she still has us to lean on of she needs us. BUT, I'm a control freak and I still feel the need to feel like I'm in control. I gave her a journal to write out her thoughts. It helps her to see her progress and she can read how she felt when she's faced with a new 'block.' And BONUS: I can read it when she's not home....BUT the journal was completely for HER benefit.... [emoji12]. I never say anything to her or anyone else about the things I read, but it does offer me her perspective and it makes me feel 'in the loop.' I don't know/don't care if it's right or wrong to read it, she's 10, high level, and I think that I need to keep an eye on her mental state for the obvious reasons.......

 

[Mrs. Puma]

I'm so sorry you're both going though this! It's so hard to see our kids struggle. You've gotten some great advice here, and like @MrsAnderson said taken the good and bad very well. I can't add too much except the very first time I dealt with this (Puma Jr is 9 and will be doing L5 so not as advanced as yours) was a few months ago and the best thing I did was listen to CB conventional wisdom-totally blow it off. When she told me about it, I just said something like "Don't worry about it, you've done it before, you'll do it again" and changed the subject. I must admit my guts were in a knot, this had NEVER happened before, but I'm so so glad I faked it! It was over in like 2 days. So be strong! You can do it! And now, many months later, I casually brought it up and said that this is so common with gymnasts and I'm kind of glad it happened fairly young because it will probably happen again with something else at some point, and now she knows it's no big deal and she'll get over that too! Remind me of this next time....lol GOOD LUCK!!!

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

I know it's certainly not easy! Ha ha! There is only one other 8 year old optional at her gym. The others are 1-5 years older. Most being 3-5 years older in her level. Her gym has a smaller optionals team. 1 level 10, 3 level 8's. Her level group being the largest at 9.

I wondered if that might be the case. Some gyms are more accustomed to having younger optionals. I think the coaches handle things differently based on their experience. Your coaches may be a wee bit excited about having an unusually talented kiddo. In the past, I have seen similar situations where the coaches get overly involved with the parents b/c they are so excited to have a little phenom to work with. Nothing wrong with getting excited, but at gyms where young optionals are more the norm, the parents are not kept "in the loop" as tightly. I"ve seen it happen multiple times. In a couple of cases, these little phenoms transferred to a bigger gym where there were other girls similar age with similar talent. It was healthier for everyone, especially the kids. I'm not suggesting you change gyms. I am merely wondering if some of your involvement (what others have criticized) isn't your fault at all...it's being encouraged by overzealous coaches. If that is the case, it would be helpful for you to understand what is going on. Love this forum by the way. I wouldn't be sane without it!!!