Women Bad gym/bad coaches/no choice

[new.optionals.mom]

am at our 2nd gym. My daughter who is new to Optionals is very talented gymnast and dancer, very flexible, always wants to learn new skills, but the gyms we have been at and/or the coaches she has had seems to just ruin it for her. We are not well off financially, we both have to work and no one can homeschool my DD. So we are at the liberty of the closer, affordable gyms. The closest elite gym is about 1.5 hours away. I dont' need to hear that most of you can live on 1 salary, drive 2 hours away and homeschool your child. I wish we had those resources, but as a financially challenged family, I can't do more for my kid than I am already and am at the liberty of what gyms are close, even if those gyms are not what clicks for her. Also, I don't need elite per se, but just wish that my dd can have a coach that is qualified but also inspires her, doesn't favorite the kid that has less talent because the family has more money and ignore yours, a coach that will not call your child names, like lazy and make them sit in the corner because she has a sore back and needs to take a few easy turns on an event. We have had some very good qualified coaches, but their personality is very very harsh. So we are stuck. I talk to them and let them know that this is not acceptable, but then you deal with the next round of 'whatever', like them now ignoring your child or the opposite, pushing her through a skill that she feels uncomfortable doing. We can't just pick up and leave and go to a choice of several gyms, because we don't have the time or the money to do so. I feel like the automatic advantage goes to families that have the resources, and if you don't and your kid has talent, then the odds of longevity in the sport for those kids are close to none because their spirit gets broken. Now don't get me wrong, I am not forcing my child to stay in a totally unhealthy environment, but coaches support, favoritism, and understanding is not what it should be. I found that in both the gyms we are at so far, although this current gym has qualified gymnastic coaches, but the 1 coach in particular seems to affect the entire team. Any advice for me to my dd or just anybody out there with a miraculous story to share to give me hope?

 

[bogwoppit]

Please use paragraphs. A wall of letters is very hard to read.

 

[LindyHopper]

We are at a gym with good coaches. The coaches don't play favorites, but they do have gymnasts they enjoy coaching more than others.

Those gymnasts are not the most financially well off, nor are they the most talented. The gymnasts the coaches enjoy coaching the most are focused and determined. They consistently work hard (especially during conditioning) and take correction well. They are respectful, listen, and don't goof around. They cheer their teammates on at meets. They care more about attaining skills and personal goals than podium placements or medals. It also doesn't hurt when the parents of that gymnast support the coaches and allow them to do their jobs--as long as coaches are not being abusive.

 

[Iwannabemargo]

Its very difficult to give helpful advice without knowing a lot for specifics about your circumstances.

How old is your daughter ? Maturity rates can influence how gymnasts are treated.
What level is she ? This are very different at level 4 to level 8.
What, realistically are her gym goals ? Elite, college, high school, just to be the best she can ? All worthwhile goals but with very different training needs.
You talk about calling names like "Lazy". Is it persistent or was your child / coach having a bad day ? Depends how its used as well.
You say their personality is harsh. Would you care to elaborate. Not all people are soft and fluffy. My dd actually works better in a stricter environment, my son is very much a bunnies and hugs kind of guy. Again this goes back to the programmes goals. The more intense programmes tend to have a less "fun" approach.

Some m ore detail would help us help you more.

 

[gasrgoose]

This might not be a popular response... But find a different sport?? Most good optional gymnasts are naturally talented athletes that could be good at many other sports. Gymnastics is a great sport but so is soccer, volleyball, cheerleading, track, diving, cross country, crossfit, etc. Those are the sports I personally know of former gymnasts who are excelling. Most if not all these sports are less expensive than gymnastics. Raising kids/athletes is stressful, the additional financial pressure can be overwhelming. It also sounds like it might not be fun for your daughter. Why spend large amounts of money on something that makes neither of you happy? The kids I know that have found other sports are very happy. Most enjoy the extra free time (not many sports require the practice time of gymnastics) and the success of being new to a sport but really good.

Good luck and try to find some fun in it!

 

[MILgymFAM]

There are plenty of families that struggle to keep their kids in gym. We are definitely not well off. When my kids were in school they received free lunch. We scrape weekly and rob Peter to pay Paul so often that Peter is broke too. I get that part of it.

Also, we've had coaches call my girls (between them) lazy, uncoachable, untalented, and a waste of their time. We've been through a few gyms, so I know that there is no perfect place with nice AND talented coaches (we've found each without the other) who are happy to take on my kids as who they are. Now of course my kids don't have a well of natural talent to draw from, and they are pretty fearful to boot, so it's even harder all around.

In our experience though? Money has nothing to do with favorites. If you're paying the tuition you have money enough for the coaches. Some have cared about talent, but in our experience there are exactly two traits that garner the attention of the coaches: hard working and fearless. My girls have always displayed the first, which makes coaches initially like to work with them. Unfortunately they have none of the second which eventually puts off almost everyone.

My ODD has been threatened to be kicked off every single team she's been on, and every single time it was due to balking/fear of a skill. She quit artistic over a month ago and still has nightmares about a coach screaming at her that she's the only gymnast they ever had who told them no on a skill.

If the money is a struggle it will make you seek perfection even more than if you had it to spare. I get that too- you sacrifice and scrape so much. But a perfect gym doesn't exist. How is your DD feeling about gym? Her coaches? Her team? How old is she? We had to sit our DD down and have a looooong conversation about how much gym was costing, and how the stress made it no longer worth all the money and BS. At first you'd think we told her the world was ending, but now she is happily doing other things. Gym simply cannot be for every family, even though in my heart I wish that weren't the case. You sound frustrated and angry, and that isn't healthy for you or anyone else in your family to continue if the feelings are long term.

 

[Tumbellina82]

I can understand a coach having a child sit out:

because she has a sore back and needs to take a few easy turns on an event.

If she is hurt she shouldn't be participating. Taking a few easy turns is a worst of both worlds solutions because she is not really resting it but she's not really training either. I don't see why you would support that.

 

[amgymnast618]

@MILgymFAM, as a 16 year old with fear issues that I've dealt with since age 12, your post made me feel so upset for your daughter and appreciate my coaches even when they put pressure on me to get over fears. I hope she knows she is not at all uncoachable, lazy, or untalented

 

[MILgymFAM]

@MILgymFAM, as a 16 year old with fear issues that I've dealt with since age 12, your post made me feel so upset for your daughter and appreciate my coaches even when they put pressure on me to get over fears. I hope she knows she is not at all uncoachable, lazy, or untalented

Thank you for your thoughts. I always told her that coaches should know how to deal with fears and blocks and it wasn't her fault that they are frustrated. She's in a very good place right now.

 

[munchkin3]

Sounds like it's time to find another sport.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

How unfortunate that you found 2 gyms in a row with coaches who pick on your kid, play favorites with the least talented kids in the gym, are harsh, push kids who are not comfortable and won't go easy on the kids. And don't seem to listen to you.

 

[skschlag]

So, 2 different gyms with different sets of coaches and the exact same problems?

I do not consider having a child with a sore back sit out a problem. They should be sitting out as back injuries are nothing to mess with.

My ds came to me one day telling me how his coach hated him, and was mean to him. Then he said same thing about the assistant coach. We talked and discussed how he was the common link between the 2 coaches, and that he could only change his behavior, not the behavior of others. He had to go in and show that he wanted to work hard and follow them. He could not change waht they say or do, only his reaction to it.

If I needed to talk to a coach, it was usually to explain my son's perception of what happened, not to tell the coach that what they did was not acceptable. There are 2 sides to every story, and I always gave the coach a chance to explain.

Story: When ds was about 8 he came home from gym telling me that the coach had called him a chicken and that he would never get to do a robhs on he floor again. I was upset, who calls an 8 year old a chicken. So I went in and talked to the coach. What actually happened was that D was taking the last turn on floor and was trying his robhs for the first time. He balked. Coach said it was too bad that he chickened out, because he didn't know when the team would get the floor again to try it (girls are always on the floor). 2 very different stories.

Good luck to you and your dd.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

How unfortunate that you found 2 gyms in a row with coaches who pick on your kid, play favorites with the least talented kids in the gym, are harsh, push kids who are not comfortable and won't go easy on the kids. And don't seem to listen to you.

Sorry post timed out.

I would also get your childs back checked out by a doctor.

 

[CoachMeg]

Have you ever witnessed this happening first hand? Or is everything you're hearing coming straight from your daughter?

I ask because you said this exact same thing has happened at multiple gyms. I know there are some bad coaches in every bunch (like all things), but for the exact thing to happen twice seems a little odd...could it perhaps be an athlete problem and your daughter is pushing away the blame?

I'm not saying your daughter is at total fault, but in my coaching experience, kids can take things way out of context some times. Now if you've WITNESSED this happening and you've HEARD with your own ears, then ignore my comments. If multiple coaches are calling your daughter lazy....perhaps she is not working hard or staying motivated? And about the sitting out thing, I FREQUENTLY sit kids out if they are complaining of being hurt so that they don't overuse their injured whatever.

For example, just a few days ago a girl was complaining that her ankle was really bothering her. She said that she rolled it at recess when she was running around, but she iced it at school and her parents sent her to practice anyway because they said she was fine. The child was clearly favoring that foot, so during floor (instead of putting more pressure and pounding on it), I had her sit out. I don't see an issue with this.

We have had some very good qualified coaches, but their personality is very very harsh. So we are stuck. I talk to them and let them know that this is not acceptable, but then you deal with the next round of 'whatever', like them now ignoring your child

Not all coaches are bubbly and fun. One of our coaches is EXTREMELY knowledgeable about gymnastics and is a super good coach, but doesn't always joke around with the kids or play games. Sometimes he's actually a little blunt with them. And that's okay. They are kids, yes, but they are also disciplined athletes. They WANT to get better and learn. Then they also have other coaches that balance it out and are goofy and not as strict. Some actually prefer the stricter coach. Also, you need to realize that coaches are humans too. If you tell your daughter's coaches that their "harsh" personality is "not acceptable", they may do just what you said and completely back off from correcting your child because they're getting the idea that she can't handle the criticism. Not saying it's okay, but they are human and this is a natural response.

 

[munchkin3]

Gymnastics requires thick skin.

 

[duyetanh]

Interesting that the OP hasn't posted.....

 

[skschlag]

Interesting that the OP hasn't posted.....

I was thinking the same thing.........

 

[GymDad9.9]

maybe OP doesn't have the kind of free time as some others do. everyone lives on a different clock.

 

[ayyyrial]

I've definitely seen other gym parents be harsh to someone because they aren't as well off. However, if the coaches are professional, they won't let it affect their relationship with the gymnast. A lot of times, some of the coaches who work with the kids don't even know much about the finances of the gym as a whole. And I will say...as a coach...the most troublesome kids are usually the ones who come from wealthier families and have everything given to them.

On another note, the culture of gymnastics is often harsh. It isn't always a bad thing...if you trust the coach and work well with them, sometimes harshness doesn't hurt your relationship. At the same time, every person reacts differently and has different feelings about authority figures and different ways of working. For example, I had a coach who was very harsh with me but I loved her because I felt that she cared about my success and that she was fair and knowledgeable. For context, I was 15 when I was working with her so I had a different perspective than a younger child. However, most of my (younger) teammates didn't like her because of that. But I was eager to live up to her high expectations and we developed a good relationship because of it. Again - every kid is different and they may not get what they need exactly. It isn't always a reason to change gyms as long as they still feel good about the sport as a whole.