Off Topic Baseball abuse for my gymmie

[GymCMLA]

A year ago we were on our way out of an abusive WAG program for kid #1 and had left our TnT program for kid #2 and #3 b/c of losing the coach (the program ended up folding).
All 4 kids are now at amazing gyms and all is well on that front. (And I am super appreciative to our awesome coaches and programs)
But Kid #2 is being quietly emotionally mistreated by his baseball coach. He has been with the same team since he was newly 5 (so 6 years in August) THere's a ton of "daddy ball" so to speak (there are 5+ dad's who call themselves coaches, so those kids never sit out, the others have to sit 2-3 innings a game b/c we carry 12 on roster "to have coaching for tourneys". And that is not fair, I get sitting for bad attitudes, poor work ethic, poor focus/concentration stuff, but these kids are 10 yo. Instead, coaches ignore good plays (refusing high fives, turning their backs when the kids come in after a great play or inning) Punishing poor at bats with decreased field time.... The Head coach is very immature and he throws tantrums like his kid (I have never seem so many tears and temper tantrums on a field in my life), but he is tearing my kid apart by his actions and lack there of. He like's flashy and doesn't respect consistency, base hits and RBIs are important albeit not as "fun" as home runs scattered amongst strike outs. He can't see hard work and good leadership as virtues and thinks that his kid is going to the majors. He is scared of confrontation and hence no other coaches kids or pushy parents' kids sit the bench. I am frustrated and disappointed

 

[profmom]

OK, what league are you in and do you have an alternative league? If you want your son to continue with baseball, you need to get him out of this situation. I am an owner of this teeshirt, which comes as a package deal with an ex-baseball player. Daddyball is the worst. Here are your options, in the order that I would recommend pursuing them:

1. Change clubs or leagues -- find another similar quality club or league in the area, either a geographically close competitor club in the same league, or another league altogether. Vet your options and pick the one that has a responsible independent board that cares about developing players rather than winning the U8 world series.

2. Change teams. Get your son on another team with a sane manager and assistant coaching staff. Tell your league people why you are changing.

3. Report the manager/coach to the league management. Document every instance of poor behavior, especially the kind that is likely to get the league into trouble. File a complaint, and get any parent you can to join you. Outline in detail the changes you want to see in the coach's behavior.

4. You or your partner sign up to become an assistant coach and call the manager consistently on the bad behavior toward any child. Use your time as well to build a group of assistant coaches and decide among yourselves which one should ascend to manager next season.

5. See how much your son likes soccer.

Pick one or a combination and implement now. Do not wait one more day.

 

[rosiekat]

I don't think y'all can get out of that dugout fast enough! It's bad enough to have a season or two of this kind of team, but definitely not years of it. A little of it can actually help a kid see how they *don't* want to be when they grow up, but after years of seeing it as the norm...

I don't care if he's learning tons from this team (and honestly, I doubt he is, in such a negative environment). It's just an ugly place to be. I totally agree with profmom on this. Just as you wouldn't keep your kid in an abusive gym just because it was the best, you don't want him to stay on an abusive team. I'm really sorry he (and you) are having to deal with this. It's so sad when grownups can't behave like they've grown up. I hope there are alternatives in your area.

 

[GymCMLA]

You see another dad was the head coach and he is much different. His kid is still on the team, but he gave up coaching to this dude we have now (the older brothers are on the "older kids team" so last season the 2 coaches split up each taking one...we got the freak.
I have looked for other options for right now, and we are out of luck. We have 2 leagues here; the current plan is to finish this season and not do the summer tourneys. Then my husband will start a team with the league we were in until this spring (lots of team here move to the regional league at about 10 yo for increased competition level). We are competent coaches in the raising good kids/being fair etc....we, though, may struggle with the technical aspects as they get older. But I told DH that we can invite guests to help with that part.
We have talked about pulling him now, talked to the old coach we trusted, and he asked us to give it a little time (that was about 3 weeks ago). Bu last night was bad. High Fives are free for pete's sake, don't diss a 10 yo a high five after a great 3rd out catch in short center (he was playing right and was the one who got there after being "called ON" but the 2nd baseman lol).
Its hard to pull him mid season, but I think our guts are telling us to get out now as well. (It so sad that it comes to this over stupid adults)

 

[rosiekat]

I really am so sorry. My 10-y.o. daughter plays softball, and dad coached until she was old enough for girl-pitch, which he didn't feel competent to coach. She's been lucky to get onto teams where the environment is very positive (she's a strong hitter and a butterfly-watching fielder, but getting better). However, we've talked with friends from last spring's teams and it sounds like they're on "bad" teams. Oh, one of them looks great on paper, but apparently all they do is train the pitcher and catcher, and at this level, that'll win your game for you. No one else on the team will learn and grow, but the coach (aka pitcher's dad) doesn't care about that. Other friend is on the crazy live-breathe-softball team, where I've seen the coach out screaming at the girls. Not yelling, being excited, just trying to be heard, or even just exasperated, but screaming. And this is just frickin' rec.

One option a lot of the girls who are really serious here use is actually hiring high school girls to do private coaching. I wonder if that might be an option, maybe you have a few kids whose parents would be willing to pitch in (haha) on getting someone like that for a few times to help with technical competence. And definitely pull resumes from your other parents - you'd be surprised what your potential assistant coaches may know. Kudos to your DH for being willing to step up and do what he can to fix it! I'm really sorry you guys got the freak (lol) but I'm inclined to agree with the leanings of your hearts. Son can still keep up a lot of his skills in the backyard and at batting cages, and start fresh and positive next go round.

 

[rosiekat]

Oh, and I almost forgot - virtual high five for your DS over that play!

 

[raenndrops]

You see another dad was the head coach and he is much different. His kid is still on the team, but he gave up coaching to this dude we have now (the older brothers are on the "older kids team" so last season the 2 coaches split up each taking one...we got the freak.
I have looked for other options for right now, and we are out of luck. We have 2 leagues here; the current plan is to finish this season and not do the summer tourneys. Then my husband will start a team with the league we were in until this spring (lots of team here move to the regional league at about 10 yo for increased competition level). We are competent coaches in the raising good kids/being fair etc....we, though, may struggle with the technical aspects as they get older. But I told DH that we can invite guests to help with that part.
We have talked about pulling him now, talked to the old coach we trusted, and he asked us to give it a little time (that was about 3 weeks ago). Bu last night was bad. High Fives are free for pete's sake, don't diss a 10 yo a high five after a great 3rd out catch in short center (he was playing right and was the one who got there after being "called ON" but the 2nd baseman lol).
Its hard to pull him mid season, but I think our guts are telling us to get out now as well. (It so sad that it comes to this over stupid adults)

My dad was one of my coaches all but my first season of baseball (we played with the boys). Starting my 3rd year, my dad was the HC… but he was harder on my brother and I than on the other kids. He said it was because he knew what we were capable of.

I agree with others that you need to get your son out of that environment ASAP.

Is there any way you could get a league official to observe a few games - close up… and see what is happening? It might help. If not, get to stepping!

 

[duyetanh]

Get him out of there. Sends a message also. Perhaps others will follow, and their lights will turn on also.

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

I agree with others that this is not a good environment for your son, and you may have no choice but to find another team (or start one). The latter is incredibly difficult. Your son is at an age where the rec teams begin to separate from the competitive teams. At least in our area, if you start a new team, and choose your players, you cannot compete rec. You have to be classified as competitive. Finding enough kids to have a decent team is hard.

My biggest question is whether this is a recreational team or a competitive team? It sounds like you are playing on a competitive team. (tournaments?) If it is rec, then every kid should get equal playing time (unless being disciplined). If it is competitive, then there is nothing unfair about sitting some kids while the strongest players are on the field. And tournaments are usually considered competitive. Now, dh (coach) purposely kept my ds' team at recreational level at age 10 because he wanted every kid to have equal opportunity to not just play, but get to experience different positions on the field. (Once we moved to competitive at age 11, players began to settle into positions, and some sat more than others.) Not every coach has that mentality. Age 10 was when we saw a LOT of teams start to sit players based on ability and contribution. (at least the coach's perception of such. If you are on a competitive team and your coach has already decided your kid isn't cut out for competitive baseball (and he thinks his kid is) then you have to find an alternative. If it's a recreational team, then by all means, take your complaints to the league manager.

On another note, I am a firm believer that almost no one wakes up each morning and asks themselves "how many people can I make miserable today". Most baseball coaches are not paid, and have had zero training on how to be a coach. Some of them may have had some leadership training at work, or have taken some workshops on their own. Most have not. They don't want to suck at coaching, they just don't know any better. Chances are they are coaching because they believe their son has talent, and they want to make sure it gets developed (rather than leaving it up to some other coach who may not care as much about their kid) Others (like my husband) wound up coaching because there weren't enough coaches the first year my son signed up to play. Either he stepped up, or there would have been 15+ kids on every team.

I don't know if you have some way of helping this man learn to be a better coach. It just may not be possible. If that is the case, you need to think carefully about what you want your son to get out of baseball. If you think your son has the ability to be a competitive player, and just isn't getting the coaching and support he needs, then invest in some lessons and ask the lesson coach to help you find a team. If you just want him to have fun, and gain all the benefits of playing a team sport, then sign him up for recreational team. But please, don't put him on a competitive team and complain that it isn't fair for him to sit the bench. Take a minute to check out this link. It really opened my eyes to what my dh struggles with.

http://spiderselite.com/2015/07/05/baseball-dad-coaches-kid/

 

[GymDad9.9]

On another note, I am a firm believer that almost no one wakes up each morning and asks themselves "how many people can I make miserable today". Most baseball coaches are not paid, and have had zero training on how to be a coach. Some of them may have had some leadership training at work, or have taken some workshops on their own. Most have not. They don't want to suck at coaching, they just don't know any better. Chances are they are coaching because they believe their son has talent, and they want to make sure it gets developed (rather than leaving it up to some other coach who may not care as much about their kid) Others (like my husband) wound up coaching because there weren't enough coaches the first year my son signed up to play. Either he stepped up, or there would have been 15+ kids on every team.



http://spiderselite.com/2015/07/05/baseball-dad-coaches-kid/

I beg to differ on your above assessment. I don't think the OP's son's coach wakes up every day to see how many people he wants to make miserable but he is sure as heck waking up each day to ensure his kid is playing the most and receiving the most favorable treatment along with the children of the other coaches and too bad for everybody else. This situation described is textbook father-having-no-business-coaching taking advantage of a situation to help his kid and the kids of his fellow coaching sycophants. OP's son is collateral damage and that coach could care less.

This situation is so wrong on so many levels and I feel for you and your husband and son OP. I speak from experience. Find a way out and find a place where your son can continue to love the game, where he is respected and where he has coaches that strive to teach the game the right way. Unfortunately, this type of behavior is pretty prevalent from what I hear from folks who have young kids playing the game. Good luck.

 

[l.c.o]

Oh my. I hope you can find a new place for him, it doesn't sound like a healthy environment for him.

I agree with some of the others about playing time. If a team's goal is to win, they play the better players. It sucks for the kids on the bench, especially if coaches kids aren't better and are playing full games. A team needs a roster of 12 to account for injuries, illness, vacations...

Now my DD just had a relatively similar experience with vball (though her very first season), and was very vocal about quitting after the second to last game. From watching the games, I was not surprised, and it took EVERYTHING in me to keep my mouth shut and try to be positive. I was torn as to whether to allow her to miss, as there was only one game left, very few players, and we endeavor to honor commitments whenever possible. I never thought I could be happy about her getting sick, but I was soooo happy she woke with a fever the morning of the final game!

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

You see another dad was the head coach and he is much different. His kid is still on the team, but he gave up coaching to this dude we have now (the older brothers are on the "older kids team" so last season the 2 coaches split up each taking one...we got the freak.
I have looked for other options for right now, and we are out of luck. We have 2 leagues here; the current plan is to finish this season and not do the summer tourneys. Then my husband will start a team with the league we were in until this spring (lots of team here move to the regional league at about 10 yo for increased competition level). We are competent coaches in the raising good kids/being fair etc....we, though, may struggle with the technical aspects as they get older. But I told DH that we can invite guests to help with that part.
We have talked about pulling him now, talked to the old coach we trusted, and he asked us to give it a little time (that was about 3 weeks ago). Bu last night was bad. High Fives are free for pete's sake, don't diss a 10 yo a high five after a great 3rd out catch in short center (he was playing right and was the one who got there after being "called ON" but the 2nd baseman lol).
Its hard to pull him mid season, but I think our guts are telling us to get out now as well. (It so sad that it comes to this over stupid adults)

sorry I missed this before replying earlier. My son was in absolute tears a couple of years ago because of some VERY bad behavior by another team's coach. He just kept saying "But Mom, he's a GROWN UP, and he should know better!" Sadly there are way too many coaches who just stink and make the game miserable for many. I don't know OP's situation enough to make a call. It sounds like the guy is a jerk all around. However, the one thing OP said that made me wonder was "it's not fair" for kids to sit the bench. I just wanted to illustrate a different perspective and see if it is worth giving the guy a chance. Probably not if he ignores certain kids and makes them feel awful. It does put you in a difficult spot. If you haven't already, I would still encourage you to network a bit with some of the facilities that offer private lessons and have sponsored teams. It may make it easier for you to create just the team you want. When we created our first competitive team, we picked the players based mainly on their parents. We didn't want any crazy on the team! Good luck!

 

[GymCMLA]

It is competitive, he's been with them since rec. They were 5 yo. We moved select at 8 yo. This team is good. Ds has been their first baseman since he was 5. He also plays right field. This core of about 6 kids has been together a long time. He's not sitting bc anyone else is better at first or right. He's sitting bc he has to sit kids 2-3 innings of 6 when you refuse to sit all the coaches kids. So those kids have error after error, cry, throw tantrums when they miss a play or someone scores....
I understand this is competitive, so move kids around to different positions when we're run ruling a team. Pitch a kid who never gets to. Nope. Keep pitching coaches kids. Keep sitting the others. We roster bat, so sitting doesn't affect that. But coach will punish a kid for playing time if their bat isn't hot.
It's just not a good situation.
You're right, this age is hard to build a team, but I'm hoping there's enough unhappy or orphaned kids looking for 11u to build a core of 6 kids and then be able to give some kids that may be Rec or new to the sport a chance. Here everyone is select by 10, so that title here means jack really. There are very few teams that truly have tryout and can cut kids and there's constant movement between teams each season as people aren't happy, teams split, etc

 

[rosiekat]

I totally agree that competitive as opposed to rec will favor some players over others, but I think OP gets that. Sounds to me like it's a problem not of uber-competitiveness, though, but jerk-itis. (Which is nicer than how I want to phrase it )

 

[JoyAvenueMom]

Ugh!!! Sorry for misreading your first post and even hinting this guy is salvageable. :-( It sounds like a really tough spot. This year we were contacted by a half dozen parents who wanted their kid on our team. Not because we are a great team. We play single A ball, and probably win a little more than we lose. It's because our coaches are sane and love these kids like crazy. So, if you can "build it", I am sure you can find enough kids. It's been really hard on my dh (he puts in a lot of time and really worries about pleasing the other parents) but totally worth it for us to have a bit of control over the situation. It must be hard for you, trying to decide whether to finish out the season. There is still a lot of baseball left. Can he play as a "pick up" with another team for tournaments once this league ends? Last year we had a kid whose team wasn't playing tournaments fill in for us on occasion. We only carry 10 on our roster (to eliminate sitting!) so we anticipate needing filler players for tournaments this summer. I know the rules are tricky.

 

[rosiekat]

Good thought about the tournaments, @JoyAvenueMom! Yeah, our team is 9, so we often need fillers from other teams - it just takes a Girl Scout event and we'll be down 3 or 4! In fact, we're in a tournament tomorrow using 3 players from another team because of, yes, a Girl Scout event. Although of course, as joyavenuemom said, rules can be tricky and competitive rules are very different from rec, so I don't know if this works for you. But it's a thought!

 

[twinmomma]

Travel teams are pretty available around here, and I'd think nothing of pulling my son from his team if I felt it was abusive. In fact, we did just that. MAJOR daddyball going on, broken promises, favoritism, horrible language. We had attempted a conversation with one of the coaches, but it was clear the team was a dictatorship being run by one specific person. We were the first to go. Others followed, and now the team is down to 4. Putting a team of 10 year olds together isn't really hard to be honest. Putting a team of really GOOD 10 year olds is hard, but the most important thing is finding kids with good potential who want to work with good attitudes. I wouldn't worry about finding that.

If you don't feel like a conversation will get you anywhere, pull him. There are plenty of teams to be had, I'd imagine there's some academy baseball in your area if travel tournaments are a thing. Get him into some academy lessons while you find him a team. And a missed year of baseball at 10 isn't like sitting out a year in gymnastics. So he will still have options at 11 even if there aren't any now.