Coaches/parents, what's the best way to help a child who is an extreme perfectionist?

[hakunamatata]

I'm asking for a friend who does not have an account, and I will redirect any advice you all have to her. She is a coach, and one of her gymnasts (13 years old, level 4) gets very upset whenever a teammate gets a skill before her. She is struggling with her back handspring right now and every time a teammate performs the skill successfully, this child will just break down and cry uncontrollably or totally withdraw from the rest of the team. She seems to be incredibly frustrated and will say things like, "I don't like to be second." She's used to things coming very easily, so this is really hard for her. These breakdowns happen about every other practice, and when they do happen, it can be multiple times in one practice.

I've had gymnasts who have been tough on themselves, but being a recreational coach the intensity is just not the same and I've never had a student who gets this extremely frustrated. I don't really know what to tell her anymore. I did suggest sitting down with the gymnast before meets and setting realistic goals (specific things, like keeping legs straight on jump to high bar rather than setting a goal to get a certain score). At this point, do you think it may be necessary for her to talk to the child's parents and maybe suggest sports psychology or something of that sort?

Thanks for any input!

 

[coachmolly]

I think your suggestion of having the coaches sit down with her and develop some small, reachable goals might be helpful. Not only right before meets, but keep a running list of goals she can work at checking off over time, making sure each item is something that she has control (not scores, placements, etc.). Work with the coach to develop steps to achieving those goals and remind her of her progress over time, even if she hasn't reached the big goal quite yet.
Also, let her know that her behavior, while directed towards herself, can also be hurtful to her teammates. If she is one of the older team members, have the coaches remind her that she is a team leader who her younger teammates look up to, so she needs to act accordingly. Meaning, being respectful of her teammates even if they get a certain skill first or perform better at a meet. Remind her of the good qualities she brings to the team both through her gymnastics skill but also her attitude, leadership skills, role model qualities, work ethic, or any other areas. Remind her that gymnastics is hard and that some gymnasts find some skills or events easier than others, but needing a little extra time to master a certain skill does not make her any less of a gymnast.
Don't expect the changes to happen overnight, keep providing gentle reminders to her about her progress and behavior among teammates (unless it's mean/destructive, then you might need to get a little tougher). Maybe find a way to track her progress via charts, skill lists, or something similar so she can see how far she has come, even if one skill or event seems to be holding her back. Or maybe even have her mom video a practice every few months so she can compare and see the improvements she has made.
I was an incredibly intense child, to the point of it being destructive to myself, but also frustrating for my coaches and teammates, so I know where she is coming from. It takes a patient and understanding coach to be able to work through these issues as, in many cases, they are at least somewhat hardwired into the child's personality. And a coach who lacks understanding of different personalities in children, or who doesn't feel like it's his/her job to deal with these issues, could cause even more stress for the child by yelling, demeaning her for her behavior.
If the behavior is present in other activities, the parents might want to meet with a doctor to rule out any potential anxiety conditions or other causes for her stress. It's not a given in children with perfectionist tendencies, but you really never know. She could very well just be a type A personality.

 

[emorymom]

As a parent I would say the parent definitely needs to be notified. I would want to be notified. Also ... I can't tell how disruptive this is to the team. But I think the other girls need to see a balance between compassion and not tolerating this type of behavior.

It sounds like something that may need to be treated by a professional, and also there be reasonable limits set in the team for expressing jealousy. I.e., we don't do it.

 

[MaryA]

As a parent I would say the parent definitely needs to be notified. I would want to be notified. Also ... I can't tell how disruptive this is to the team. But I think the other girls need to see a balance between compassion and not tolerating this type of behavior.

It sounds like something that may need to be treated by a professional, and also there be reasonable limits set in the team for expressing jealousy. I.e., we don't do it.

I couldn't agree more. This is beyond what a coach should be expected to handle in practice. There are deeper issues at play here. From what little I know about the situation, I would say that parents need to be notified and need to take it seriously... including having her evaluated by a mental-health professional.

 

[mayestra12]

Some type of anxiety might be playing a part in this situation. My dd used to / sometimes still does react this way but not out of jealousy. It would push her anxiety button because her brain would send her negative messages like, "oh, if teammate A can do it and I can't then the coaches must think I'm not any good." A child psychologist has really helped her work it out.

 

[fishchimes]

I'm around her age and I get frustrated and cry sometimes, I think part of it is a hormone thing... However, I've never heard of anyone being so extreme about a teammate merely performing the skill; I agree with those who say maybe she should see a mental health professional.

I know it is hard not to be annoyed with someone who throws tantrums for no good reason, but my advice is to try to be neutral; don't condone it but don't get angry either.

 

[gymdog]

13??? Parents need to look into professional counseling for the behavior described...it is not functional behavior for the age. It is fine to get frustrated but crying every time another gymnast does a skill is not emotionally healthy behavior - something is going on. The time to get on track is now, or her ability to participate in activities such as school sports in high school will be severely compromised, as well her ability to ENJOY these activities.

 

[coachmolly]

I re-read the original post and realized I screwed up, I thought the girls mom was telling you about this, not the coach. Meaning, the mom and coach were both aware of the situation and willing to work together for a solution. After re-reading, I found that the mom doesn't seem to be involved, so I think that should be the coaches next step. Just make the mom aware of the situation and see if she says something that might indicate problems at home, in school, emotional problems, or anxiety type disorders. Sometimes parents don't really want to be upfront about those kinds of things but will answer questions if asked.
I do still firmly believe that a coach needs to be patient and understanding, at least as much as possible, in these situations though. That doesn't mean babying the child or allowing her to get away with behaviors that would not be tolerated from the other children, just that the coach won't demean the child, name call, make comments about her to other teammates, etc.