Parents Do you "reward" your kid?

[LouLou]

No rewards here. My dd killed it at regionals and nationals - I suppose it might have been nice to get her something, but honestly just doing well was enough reward for her. If I buy a leo or something at a meet it's never tied to performance.

 

[rjb123]

I don't reward my kids for doing gymnastics. Gymnastics IS the reward. Do we celebrate the good, absolutely! Of course that often means overcoming a mental block, hitting a personal best or something like that- not placements or beating another kid!. But I don't and won't buy them things to make them feel better or to try to keep them engaged/ interested. Life is tough, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. The child either WANTS to put the work in and be there or they don't. Me begging them, plying them with candy and treats, etc to try to keep them focused won't help. It has to come from within them. And if it doesn't, well find something else to do. FWIW I have seen parents try to do this and frankly I find it annoying and more than a little crazy gym mom. I also don't pay for grades- they are an expectation in our house. I have a job, their father has a job and we are expected to work hard and perform at our best. My kids have a job too- school- and they are expected to do their best at all times. If the best they can do is a C, that is fine, but if they get a C and don't give full effort, there are consequences. (just as if I didn't give full effort at my job, I would have consequences from that!) Our household in general focuses heavily on effort and work ethic.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I suspect strongly that the kids who were given financial rewards for particular grades in junior high and high school grow up to be the kids who are so concerned with letter grades that they can't assimilate the larger civic and critical thinking lessons that are taught in the higher educational setting. They become that bane of the college professor's existence: "I tried really hard so I deserve an A!"

I can only speak to my 4 who have gone through college thus far. None have been obsessive about grades. Nor have they haunted their professors about grades. They get that trying alone doesn’t warrant an A., None have gotten the “big”(relatively speaking) money past middle school. They all been good to OK students. 3 of the 4 have gotten some form of academic based aid, contingent on grades by their universities. My deal ends at high school. Don’t expect an issue with the last one. As it’s way more complex then just pay for grades, we cover it. And you are correct is further off topic then it needs to be.

 

[duyetanh]

I totally agree with this. My friends daughter has a crazy amount of passion for gymnastics so I actually dont think the special rewards are needed in her case. I think she is correlating her DD's passion with the things that she gets her after she does well. Her DD wants to be at the gym all the time and if she doesn't do well at competitions, she works out like crazy at home and works routines endlessly. My DD loves gym but doesnt care to be there all the time. They are in level 3 by the way so very young little people.

Omg. Level 3? That is insane. What will they give the kid once optionals hits, a new car?
ETA: we give hugs. Lots of them. No matter what the meet outcome is. Because they are more than deserved.

 

[amiandjim]

Omg. Level 3? That is insane. What will they give the kid once optionals hits, a new car?
ETA: we give hugs. Lots of them. No matter what the meet outcome is. Because they are more than deserved.

Wasn’t there a story here on a similar thread last year that a girl was promised a new Jeep if she won regionals (might have been nationals??) but she got second and threw a big fit? It was an anecdote, I think, not the child of anyone here, I just remember how crazy it sounded!

 

[MAmom]

[QUOTE="jenjean70, post: 533898, member: 19351" The coaches will still offer things for skills made or records broken- me, not as much. [/QUOTE]

Yes, the coaches sometimes have contests on equipment for the team where they may need as a team to get a certain number of complete circles on the mushroom - - to win a freeze pop each or whomever can do the longest handstand may get out of some drill. But not every week and nothing for a good meet.

My son was having a mental block about moys for the longest time though he could do it fine if someone was next to him ready to spot. It was going on months. One day the coach bet him ten bucks if he could try it on his own because she was sure he was ready. He did it and was rewarded with ten little pieces of paper that said buck on each one. He LOVED it!

 

[profmom]

Wasn’t there a story here on a similar thread last year that a girl was promised a new Jeep if she won regionals (might have been nationals??) but she got second and threw a big fit? It was an anecdote, I think, not the child of anyone here, I just remember how crazy it sounded!

Yeah, I remember that one!

I stand strongly behind the idea that parents should praise effort but not reward success or punish failure. Even with schoolwork, kids who are raised to take responsibility for their own efforts and grades instead of relying on parental motivation end up being better college students. The guidance given to early elementary school students should diminish sharply over the years to the point that the teenager in high school is entirely self directed. I've seen firsthand the results of raising kids to be other-directed and motivated by extrinsic rewards, and it's not pretty. These are anxious kids who don't get everything out of college that they could and should, even if they do get good grades.

 

[l.c.o]

We pretty much always do ice cream/lunch/dinner/whatever, regardless of how the kids do.

If they have a REALLY bad day, we sometimes do a little more, but I depends on which kid. Like once my DD had a fairly awful meet (for her) during her first season, and she was the only one on her team in the session who didn't medal. It was her first home meet. Not medaling wasn't that infrequent in those days, but she was so just so down. So we went to a build a bear, she made a stuffed animal and named it "Bad Meet Bear", and we made up a funny story about the bear having a super ridiculously awful meet. She kept it in her meet bag for the rest of the season. If she didn't medal, she'd take him out during awards/ride home to hug.

OTOH, when DS copped an attitude at a meet after doing poorly, we had a stern chat and no ice cream, as he handled himself poorly and it reflected poorly on his team.

And when my DD fell 6,000 times on beam one meet, we celebrated the historic event with something from a meet vendor. Cause hey, she still went for all of her skills and got through the routine.

 

[profmom]

My kids are so different from each other. For my son, the best cure for a bad meet is a raucous meetup with his teammates afterward. My daughter just needs alone time.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

Nope. We go out to eat. All our meets are "hotel stay distance" so the meet weekend is kind of a treat in itself. My DD is not typically a high scorer and generally in a very tough age bracket so very rarely on the podium. We rate the success of the meet on her personal progress, if she hit her routines, didn't go over on giants, stuck the BHS-BHS series etc. We talk very briefly about it, her coach has already talked to her about the lessons to be learned from whatever happened at the meet (I know, because I am usually out on the floor being the assistant coach!) and she doesn't usually need to rehash it with us. If SHE wants to, that's ok, but if she doesn't, I leave it be.
I do admit to celebrating with ice cream (and promising it beforehand) for some big skill a long time ago... don't remember if it was her kip or what it was but I did "bribe" her with that.

I don't reward for good grades either, it is expected..! . They get "good job, keep it up!"

 

[Annikins]

We go out to eat at dds (just 7yo) choice of restaurant (within reason) to reward the hard work she put into preparing for the competition, and for 'doing her best' on the day, regardless of how she actually did, as unfortunately sometimes at gymnastics, things just go wrong that day - look at the pros on TV! Also (very rarely) we give a packet of sweeties if a skill is achieved that has been particularly hard to get, particularly scary for her, or she has had to work really hard for, to help her celebrate getting it, and to again reward the work and perseverance shown. But on a day to day basis, no, and certainly not based on placements at competitions...

 

[2G1B]

I guess that I do bribe sometimes. I remember my son used to have the most pitiful little cast. One meet I told him, "If you REALLY cast I'll get you a candy bar next time I'm at the grocery store." He said he didn't know what I meant (he never watched his videos after meets), so I had him watch a HB routine I had recorded. He was like, "Oh wow, I didn't know they were that low. I don't know if I can fix that". But... at that meet the judge on HB commented to him after his routine, "you FINALLY were casting! Good job!" (they still weren't super impressive; but much better. He did get his candy bar.)

And for grades, I don't pay money; but recently did tell the kids that if they get all As that I'll buy them a book of their choice at the end of each 9 weeks. A lot of their friends apparently get paid for grades and I'm not doing that; but I figured that they always need more books (they practically devour them) so I was willing to give that reward. But I also tell my kids that I adjust my expectations for their grades based on how hard they are working. If they aren't studying hard then they better be making As. If I see that they are really trying and they make a C, I'll still be proud of that C. Probably more proud of an "easy A".

 

[gymnastmom05]

I don't know if I would call what we do a reward or not. We almost always go get something to eat and usually DD gets to pick. Sometimes if it's been an ugly meet, I'll tell her she can have dessert first. We did have one meet where she was looking at Leo's for sale and I had no intention of buying her one. To get her to stop showing me leo's with hope in her voice that I'll say yes, I told her if she placed 1st on an event she could get one. Then she placed first and I had to honor my word. I learned my lesson that time and even though I didn't really want to buy her a leo, she hadn't placed first in a few years so I was happy for her (and learned it was no longer a safe bet!). I also remember her just having a terrible meet once and when she had an error on her last event, I went and picked her out a leo and shorts because my heart was broken for her! Now that she's older, things like that don't really help. Normally she'll set a goal for herself. Last meet (state) she asked if she casted to handstand if she could get something (though I do like it better when her goal is something she is in charge of instead of a certain score or placement). I don't think I even answered. As far as grades, we don't really pay but I also think her hard work should be acknowledged. She's a great student. Just like work, it gets pretty discouraging when you work your bottom off and no one seems to notice. So, while there isn't a set reward and it doesn't happen each grading period, we will from time to time do something special. Pedicure, a little shopping/lunch date. Just a little something that says we see what she's doing and we're proud.

 

[Half-Pint]

We don't do rewards generally. I have given a token reward in the past as a carrot for a skill that she was super close to getting, and her coach has done this too on occasion... but this occurred mainly when she was younger - it's been a few years and she's established a good work ethic now. It would feel silly to give a reward at this stage.

We do go out and celebrate new skills sometimes. And we go out to eat generally after meets; this is more of a celebration of just surviving the meet though - and the parents have earned it too, haha.

 

[raenndrops]

After a long day when i was taking both girls to and from meets and we had to stay the whole time, we would go out to McDonalds.
If they met goals they had set before the meet, they were allowed a MEDIUM shake instead of a SMALL.

Getting leotards is unrelated to meet performance. It is basically when they have outgrown leotards and the deal is good.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I stand strongly behind the idea that parents should praise effort but not reward success or punish failure. Even with schoolwork, kids who are raised to take responsibility for their own efforts and grades instead of relying on parental motivation end up being better college students. The guidance given to early elementary school students should diminish sharply over the years to the point that the teenager in high school is entirely self directed. I've seen firsthand the results of raising kids to be other-directed and motivated by extrinsic rewards, and it's not pretty. These are anxious kids who don't get everything out of college that they could and should, even if they do get good grades.

You are basing your assumption on the extrinsic being the only action taken.

It is possible for folks to take responsibility for their own efforts and have a external reward. These are not necessarily a mutually exclusive thing. Account managers and sales folks come to mind.

In our house there is no “reward or punishment” in a moment to moment thing. Work is reviewed good or bad, with the approach being what went right and what went wrong. What could of been done better. Was the effort there. Are we learning from mistakes. If we are doing this then, it’s a success no matter the grade.

Our objective is to have her owning her work by start of middle school, next year. That’s 7th grade.

I also understand college is your thing. Life is ours. Time management and prioritization is a big one for us. So even a great result is reviewed, with that in mind.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

I have a job, their father has a job and we are expected to work hard and perform at our best. Our household in general focuses heavily on effort and work ethic.

Do you and your husband work for free?

My husband and I also work hard and give our best at our jobs. And we expect to be paid. We have also had jobs, that include bonuses based on certain parameters/expectations/goals achieved. We work hard either way. But that bonus sure is a nice benefit.

Again. The assumption is being made if an external item is being given there is no focus on effort and or work ethic.

And that is not a correct assumption. It is in fact possible to focus effort and giving ones best and have a reward. It doesn’t have to be, nor should it be one or the other.

And there is also a difference between a reward and a bribe.
As well as expectations.

 

[NutterButter]

I also understand college is your thing. Life is ours. Time management and prioritization is a big one for us. So even a great result is reviewed, with that in mind.

Your entire post (and the one following this) confuses me. The line I bolded is snarky. Is that your intent? I'm not sure how you can say that a post about someone's observations of some college students means that 'college is their thing' ? Are you just trying to argue that a paycheck = a reward of sorts?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Your entire post (and the one following this) confuses me. The line I bolded is snarky. Is that your intent? I'm not sure how you can say that a post about someone's observations of some college students means that 'college is their thing' ? Are you just trying to argue that a paycheck = a reward of sorts?

No snark intended or meant. Profmom (who I'm somewhat sure is an actual professor of higher education), has mentioned getting the most out of college as if that is the end goal, of earlier school years.

JMO there is more to the foundation laid down in the early childhood, including time spent in school, then college. In fact not every child goes on to college. And not everyone's reason for attending college is the same. And there are a whole lot years that happen after college.

And others have mentioned, that they go go to work and are expected to do their jobs. Well of course that's true. And they don't go to work for free. So to imply they just go to work to work hard, just for the sake of work ethic and a job well done is not accurate. And my experience in the workforce (the years after college) is when employees don't feel fairly compensated they don't stay around.

What I see happen with the reward or not thing. Is the assumption that rewards mean someone doesn't value or teach, work ethic, effort, giving ones best on a daily basis. It is possible to do both. Its doesn't have to be one or the other. And also the leap goes to if there are rewards there are punishments. And that is not necessarily the case.

And a reward is very different then a bribe.

Really every one does what they think is best for their family. For our family, its about setting expectations and effort. And those lessons started long before school did, way back in the toddler years. And extra effort can be rewarded. That is different then dangling a carrot.

 

[Madden3]

Going back to the ops question about gym meet scores and rewards, I find it interesting she was writing about a parent who rewarded her child when she "doesn't medal" at a meet and is sad. Rewards in this situation are (I think) fairly rare. And to me, that is an entirely different situation than rewarding for success at a meet, although obviously that may be problematic too (imo.)

But here is my take on the issue of rewards (coddling?) when a child has done poorly and is upset. A gift at that point may make the kid stop crying, but what is it teaching them? To me, that reinforces in the kid's mind that there their worth is based on whether or not they got a medal at a gym meet, also it could instill the idea that they will be rewarded for crying or being upset. (And that is something I learned not to reward for when my oldest was a toddler.)

Now by reward, I mean cash or a gift. Of course, it is appropriate to comfort (with hugs, kind words) an upset child.

I think most of us have competitive kids who want to do well, (why else would they be in this ridiculously hard sport) so they are likely to feel badly when they do not. I have found I need to keep my kids focused on the positives- first off, medals are not a good measure of how well a child did at a meet. Instead, look at scores- any improvement? What events, skills, did they improve on? Did they stay focused even after getting a bad score or falling? Did they show a brave face after messing up? Etc. I have yet to see my kids compete (and they have had some pretty terrible meets) where there was no positives to take from it. If a kid actually does royally screw up at a meet, it is not like they wanted to. And in the unusual circumstance a kid WAS goofing off or whatever and that led to a poor score, well, you would not want to reward misbehavior at a meet.

We allow our kids to express their feelings of disappointment, but only to an appropriate level and at an appropriate time (in private, and reasonably quietly.)

As far as rewards in general, I think there is no one right way. First off, age matters. You have a 6 year old who is really too young to put things in perspective, who is upset they did not get a medal? You know, really, fine to get her a little treat. (This is also why I think "participation medals" are perfectly fine for the really little kids.)

Personally no way would I reward with money or gifts for doing well at a meet, (if they needed rewards for that I can think of a many things I would prefer to use all that gym money for.) We homeschool, so the question of rewarding for grades is irrelevant. But we do "pay" our kids to do their chores (that payment is also their (very small) allowance.) I certainly read many experts who said not to do that, but it has worked well for us as in, the dang floor gets vacuumed and the bathrooms cleaned!

Going out to eat after meets? We do that because it is part of the fun and meets should be fun. The kids do not think of it as a reward, it is a reward for me because then I do not have to cook.