Parents Do you "reward" your kid?

[Deleted member 18037]

Madden3 I think that is it. 100 percent. The why of the reward matters.

Using a "thing" to compensate for disappointment. For not getting "the happy ending" in the moment. For immediate gratification rather then long term satisfaction.

It errodes self esteem. Which can only come from within.


PS, We have a 2 tier system for chores around here. Some stuff you do because we are a family and everyone pitches in. And you have the ability to earn for above and beyond. I'm sure folks will slam that too.

 

[CuriousCate]

We always either go out to eat as a family or if possible with teammates. Not at all affected by performance. Now, I might get her a little stuffed animal or flower or something if she had a bad day, just to cheer her up if she's taking it really hard. But nothing more than that.

 

[John]

I read an article about allowance I found interesting. To sum it up it stated allowance should be a gift given and not earned. It could be lost for bad behavior. Chores are to be done with allowance as a consideration. Chores are done as being part of a family and to be a family member chores are necessary.

 

[rjb123]

Do you and your husband work for free?

My husband and I also work hard and give our best at our jobs. And we expect to be paid. We have also had jobs, that include bonuses based on certain parameters/expectations/goals achieved. We work hard either way. But that bonus sure is a nice benefit.

Again. The assumption is being made if an external item is being given there is no focus on effort and or work ethic.

And that is not a correct assumption. It is in fact possible to focus effort and giving ones best and have a reward. It doesn’t have to be, nor should it be one or the other.

And there is also a difference between a reward and a bribe.
As well as expectations.

My children are "paid" by being allowed to participate in the activities of their choosing. These are quite expensive and are not *mandatory* but a privilege - and it is earned by working hard in school. Just as going out for dinner/drinks or on vacation is "earned" by my working hard at my job.

 

[profmom]

I'm feeling tempted to lay out a lengthy lecture on the psychic and practical effects of the alienation of labor through the monetization of the work product and to go from there into a stemwinder on the fetishization and subsequent expansion of capitalist markets into inappropriate spheres, but luckily for all of you, 1) 'twould divert me from my beloved vocation and 2) I haven't got my copy of the Economic and Philosophic Manuscripts of 1844 readily on hand. But if you're ever suffering a severe bout of insomnia, do feel free to hit me up.

 

[sce]

Now, I might get her a little stuffed animal or flower or something if she had a bad day, just to cheer her up if she's taking it really hard. But nothing more than that.

I sometimes bought those sorts of things for my kids when they were sold at meets. But it was not for a good day or a bad day it was because I thought they would like it and I enjoy buying them a gift occasionally. I am fairly certain too, gifts would not cheer my kids up about a bad performance. They are hard on themselves and would want to get to work to improve their gymnastics.

 

[Mish]

This is my field of study: Motivation and reinforcement (not bribes) works. It is the based upon the principles of how all organisms learn. Yes, there has to be motivation (we call this a "motivational operant"). But nothing wrong with giving a reinforcer (reward) to mark the importance of whatever behavior it is (getting a tough skill, overcoming a fear, falling and getting up and moving on, etc) and increasing the likelihood of said behavior increasing in the future. You may intrinsically be motivated to do well at your job, and even get recognition for doing a job well done (like getting a medal at gym), but you would still be expecting to get paid for your work that you love. Overdoing the rewards will lead to less response effort, so just save them for the good stuff!!

 

[duyetanh]

I must say that while I do not reward my kid, I sure as hell reward myself. "You made it through another meet without fainting, barfing, or losing your mind. Have another glass of wine and some chocs!" (I say to myself as I pour the red.....)

 

[nycgymmom]

We don't reward no matter what happens good or bad we hug her tell her she did great job and go out to eat because at that point we all deserve a treat.

 

[mommyof1]

We always go out to eat after meets, or ds's piano recitals etc, simply b/c we are hungry and I usually have a major headache and need caffeine and food ASAP without cooking lol.

THIS.

 

[kitkat]

We do not do anything different if she medals or if she places last place. As long as she tries her best - thats all we want.
I am not a person who has huge emotions - so we let her take the lead if she wants to talk about it or not.
We always go out for dinner after a meet - gotta eat .
Its just another day - another meet.

 

[CAKE]

I wouldnt work at my job very long if there was not some reward beyond just the gratification of a job well done. I am not motivated by standing in the spotlight so being on a podium has never motivated me. When I was young my parents educated me about the economy of the world starting with chores. If I did extra well at a chore, my father would reward my effort. The same was to be said of report cards. Bs were a baseline and As garnered increased rewards because I worked harder. In the end, he gave me less than the price of a weekly latte habit every 6 weeks, but it gave me something tangible to work for that I could use for whatever I wanted (within reason). I ended up doing just fine in college when I didnt get money and going on to do pretty well in life.. lol I didnt feel unloved by my parents if I didnt get the A reward.. I just had a lighter wallet. LOL. My parents used it as a motivator though, not stick to beat me with.. maybe that is the difference? I dunno.. but it's always worked well for me and it's fun for my kids and teaches them about the real world when they are one day employed.

At my company, if my employees work harder their bonuses are larger at the end of the year.

If my daughters achieve their season goals they also get a "bonus"/reward that they seem to blow on leos, privates or equipment

Good meet or bad meet we always go out to dinner at the place of their choosing.

 

[e'smum]

This is an interesting topic! I always feel so bad at meets when parents bring their kids bouquets of flowers and stuffed animals.. I have NEVER done that and my daughter has asked a time or two, why don't we do that? My reply is that I think it is silly and that just being here to compete is reward enough. There are times that we go eat after, but most of the time she just wants to get home and shake out her meet hair and get her leo off! LOL. I do admit there are times we might get a new leotard if she does particularly well, but that is usually at state or regionals.

yikes! my oldest dd gets flowers at her dance recital. if i had to do flowers at each meet and each dance competition, well, that's a lot of flowers. at my oldest's dance competitions, i'll get her a t-shirt or sweatshirt (which are ridiculously overpriced) and i have bought her a medal(s) when her troupe placed in the OA at this one particular competition we go to every year. she dances in teams and no medals for anything over trios - just one trophy that then goes back to the dance studio. on a side note: it peeves me that they have them to sell in this instance vs. handing them out to each girl. we pay $40-$50 per dance for each competition and that should more than enough cover for medals for all in the OA category....

we will go out to eat if the meet is far enough away and everyone is hungry and not too tired.

i hate it when the meets sell shout outs. i did it once. i think my gymmie missed it. haha.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Some relevant reading: https://www.verywell.com/what-is-the-overjustification-effect-2795386

 

[tpMom]

I have to admit that when my DD had just started at the gym, we have her a prize for getting her bhs. I don't remember what it was, something small like a small you or ice cream. It just seemed like she had been working so hard for the skill (like 7 weeks) that she deserved a reward. Then I quickly learned that gymnastics are full of skills the athletes work hard for, and most of them make 7 weeks of practice look like a joke. I look back at myself, a newbie gym mom with no clue, and laugh. Now we don't reward new skills with anything but hugs, and she doesn't need a reward, the sense of personal accomplishment is better than anything I could buy her. We go out to dinner after meets and celebrate her hard work even if it was a rough day. It seems to work well for her!

 

[profmom]

And I will continue to maintain that it's better to teach kids to value learning than to monetize particular grades, which, under the BEST of circumstances, are merely a teacher's summative assessment of how close the child has gotten to the teacher's own extrinsic criteria for mastery. School is not my kids' job. They have a whole adult life ahead of them in which they may choose when and how to exchange their labor for money, and I'd prefer that they understand that some things in life should not be monetized.

 

[CAKE]

Some relevant reading: https://www.verywell.com/what-is-the-overjustification-effect-2795386

This part is really appropos to our personal experience and really fits with what Mish said above:

Research has found that if extrinsic reinforcement is dependent upon doing something well, then the behavior is less influenced by the overjustification effect. Being rewarded for studying, for example, probably will not diminish any intrinsic motivation you may have to study. This is because your grade is a performance-contingent reinforcer. They reinforce your studying behavior, but they are dependent upon actually doing well rather than simply going through the motions.

Scores are a performance- contingent reinforcer Everyone has to find what works best in their family but Im rather humored by the strong opinions people seem to be expressing as such absolutes. Only you know your kid and what motivates them or doesnt. All, I know is Im glad I had my parents..lol

 

[profmom]

In another context, I'm participating in a conversation with some folks who are extremely frustrated with their students, who, instead of working on their homework problems and coming up with the answers themselves, are scouring the internet to find the right answers so that they can get 100%s on all the homework assignments. The students are then upset when they do poorly on their exams and come to the instructors to complain about the tests being too hard. They know the tests are too hard because they are getting poor grades on them.

About all I can say is dear G-d please do not let them grow up to be engineers, doctors, or any other type of professionals in which lives depend on their being able to figure out the right answers themselves.

 

[twocurlygirlz]

In another context, I'm participating in a conversation with some folks who are extremely frustrated with their students, who, instead of working on their homework problems and coming up with the answers themselves, are scouring the internet to find the right answers so that they can get 100%s on all the homework assignments. The students are then upset when they do poorly on their exams and come to the instructors to complain about the tests being too hard. They know the tests are too hard because they are getting poor grades on them.

About all I can say is dear G-d please do not let them grow up to be engineers, doctors, or any other type of professionals in which lives depend on their being able to figure out the right answers themselves.

Thank god this type of seek and find method is not applicable in gymnastics. You can't conquer skills unless you practice them....hence the comparison between grades and gym is a bit like comparing apples to oranges =)

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Some further thoughts from a coaching perspective:

In my opinion, their goals shouldn't be defined in terms of scores, but in terms of skills and progression. And that sort of progression does not happen at meets, it happens at practice. If I were in charge of my own program (which I currently am not), athletes would attend maybe two or three meets per season. I know I've said this many times in one form or other, but it's worth repeating: future employers, college scouts, etc will not care one bit what their state meet score was at level 5; they WILL care, however, that they can set goals and motivate themselves to work towards them.

By focusing on skills rather than scores or placement, each accomplishment is inherently self-rewarding. You get a new skill (and get it to the necessary quality of execution) and the reward is that you get to progress to the next skill. And so on and so forth. Similarly, the reward for working hard in strength and conditioning is that you get stronger and your skills get easier, which again allows you to progress further.