How to help young DD cope with a "loud" coach?

[mamaoftwo]

So, DD was on preteam last year from May-December. In January, they bumped up to Level 3. In our gym, Level 3 is noncompetitive (the gym doesn't feel the skills progress well from L3 to L4). The purpose of the level in our gym is to train for Level 4. There are 7 girls in her group that range in age from about 4.5 to 7.

DD has learned a tremendous amount from her coach. Our problem is the YELLING. When her coach gets frustrated, she tends to let the girls know it, and it can get a bit ugly. At first I thought that DD was perhaps a bit "over" sensitive (wasn't paying that close attention myself), but I have now seen other girls break down into tears during practice. These are little 5 and 6 year olds. Breaks my heart. Some parents have now mentioned to me (spontaneously) that they may pull their kids because they just aren't having fun anymore.

DD has most recently been yelled at for bending her arms while doing a BHC. DD manages to hold it together in practice - she does not cry while there - but does cry at home. She says she loves gymnastics, but not her coach. DD's exact words were "I am just not good - I can't get anything right", followed by "I want to get a different coach".

I'd be lying if I didn't say that I am worried a bit about her self-confidence. This same coach runs the Level 4 team, so it is something we'll put up with for awhile. We've entertained the idea of looking elsewhere, but don't want to teach DD to run when the going gets tough, either. So, we're at a bit of a fork in the road there. Is this just a common thing among coaches? Even with the little ones? I told DD that I thought we should at least stick out the Level 3 year since we committed to it, then we could discuss leaving. She then said that she does NOT want to do Level 4 if we stay at our gym (naturally, this could change over the course of the year!).

I do try to focus on the positive with DD. For example, just this week she landed her first handstand on beam and it looked BEAUTIFUL. To the point where I saw it out of the corner of my eye and had to watch - without first noticing it was her. She got a huge smile out of her coach and a high-five (she then took two steps forward on the beam and fell while just walking - lol! She said she was "a little dizzy!"). I try to tell her to remember what that accomplishment feels like when her coach gets a little tough.

Any other tips or helpful hints on how to help her cope with this? It's been a culture shock for her - and me! Oh, and why do team coaches run when they see a parent? I just wanted to ask a quick question about summer camp, and can't catch her. She pretty much refuses to speak to parents, unless to yell at us to redo their hair. Is this common?

Oh and one more question. Is it common for coaches to NOT spot the little ones on the rope? My greatest fear has always been DD falling off it - and one of the 5 year olds actually fell off of it last week. Coach was 15 feet away helping the other girls with handstand-pushups. The girl was banged up but ok... (Her foot had been taped which is likely why she fell). Just makes me nervous! Now they have "enter at your own risk" signs up, but still no spotting. Other girls just hold the bottom of the rope while their teammate climbs.

And yes, when training hours pick up I've planned to not watch - but for the moment they are only there 90 minutes and it's hard to get anything accomplished in that time frame (plus DS takes a 60 minute tot class one of the days - so I am stuck there)...

Thanks!

 

[bogwoppit]

I wouldn't let any adult continually yell at my kid when I was paying them good money to teach her. Your DD "holding it together" until she gets home makes me cringe. Find the door and walk out. Training a kid to accept bullying is a bad plan on so many levels. Plus the whole nice coach/mean coach thing being acceptable sets her up for some terrible things as a teen.

If a coach yelled at me to redo my kids hair I would give her a mouthful and leave with my kid. NO way I wouldn't be watching a coach like that, but then again I wouldn't let a coach like that near my kid.

 

[Bella's Mom]

Agree with Bog. By the title of your thread, I thought it was going to be about a coach who just coached loudly. My daughter's new coach does that and it is taking some getting used to. But she isn't YELLING at the kids. I agree that this coach is a bully and her/his coaching techniques are inappropriate....and definitley so with the little ones.

I hate reading about coaches making the little ones cry. No reason to whatsoever and it just ends up harming their psyches. Have you spoken to the HC/owner about this? I might try that before moving to another gym but if you get nowhere with owner/HC...move on. Your daughter deserves better than a coach whose only teaching tool is intimidation.

 

[GymGirl's Mom]

One of the many reasons we left gym #1 over a year ago now was b/c of the coach- yelling and grumpy most of the time. I see how this may work with some girls- kids who are eager to please at all costs, or kids who have a thick skin. But, for my daughter it just made her fearful and begin to not want to go to practice. I think this style may work best for older optionals girls who can sometimes have their heads in the clouds and need a kick in the rear on occasion- but for young girls just starting out- I did not want my daughter to equate doing well with not getting yelled at. Our new gym, I can honestly say i ave never heard anyone get yelled at by any coach- and this gym helps produce many high level state and some national champs every year- I don't think you have to yell to be an effective coach- and certainly indimidating young girls by yelling is not ok with me.

 

[mamaoftwo]

Wow - thank you all so much for your replies already! My first instinct has been to pick up and RUN from the gym, but I tend to be a bit overprotective, so I've tried to ignore that feeling. I am glad to know that it was the appropriate response! Now, does anyone disagree with the others?

Part of our trouble is that the way DD's class is structured leaves her unprepared for competitive Level 3 at another gym. Those girls have their mil-circles, bridge kick-overs, etc, when DD's class is just starting on it as some kids are young. Coach also seems to prefer to have them perfect a skill before moving on.

I think I am going to call around and see if I can get her on L3 on someplace else. I'd hate to have her move back to rec and lose the fine-tuning she's received, but I will if we have to! I want her to be excited for practices again.

Thanks!
Lisa

 

[MaryA]

I don't think any of this is O.K. Or "normal." I think that, especially at this level, the coaches jobs should be to a) keep the kids safe and b) to make it fun (because why else would a young child ever continue with the sport?). It doesn't sound like this coach is doing either. Putting up a sign rather than spotting? I mean, come on! And you should expect that a coach will speak to you and answer your questions.

Allowing your child to quit will not teach her that it's O.K. to quit when the going gets rough. It will teach your child that it's not O.K. to let people treat them disrespectfully. Talk to the head coach or owner first, express your concerns, but if things don't change immediately, I'd get out of there!

 

[lilgymmie7]

Bullying is one thing. And no I would NEVER EVER make my child 'stick it out' at a gym/school if she/he was ever mistreated. I don't think I would be instilling the " Run when the going gets tough" mentality if I scoped them up and left either.
But what struck me from your post was your DD's self-esteem issues. My DD began to experience similar situations that caused her to also say she wanted new coaches. She also started to say, " I must not be good enough for xyz!" At first, I also felt prey to the
" Oh, they are only trying to help you..." That was the biggest line of HOGWASH I could ever tell my child! Needless to say, I did walk her out and have never looked back. DD is so enamored and happy with her coaches. The new gym combines the seriousness of gymnastics with the fun and joy that it really has for the gymnast so well! She is loving gymnastics but has become so darned serious and determined at the new gym. Her confidence in her abilities has returned in full force! She mentioned various fantastic comments she has received from her coaches and teammates alike.
The fact that your DD is doubting herself due to the coach is an apparent red flag. Let us know what you decide to do.

 

[mamaoftwo]

These were my own thoughts, exactly. Thank you so much for confirming them!

And I'd talk to the head coach, but again, the coaches hide on the "team side" of the gym and floor, out of access to parents. I would have to remove my shoes, then walk across the rec kids practicing in order to speak to them. There is no sort of system set up for communication. No team/parent meetings. No information. Sadly, there is so much demand to be on team that if you don't agree to their terms, etc, you may simply leave the team to make the correct amount of room for a second batch of level 3's starting this summer.

Just last week, I had a question about summer camp, and had to ask a rec coach who went and asked the team director for me. The director glanced at me from across the room, told the rec coach what to say, but never bothered to speak to me herself. I thought this was (hoped it was?) normal for team. ?????

So many red flags and I am embarassed that I am just putting them together.

 

[lilgymmie7]

You are right about the red flags, But as her parent you do know what is best for your DD. My DD's old coaches at times liked to 'get up and run' than answer parental concerns as well. But no, it isn't typical team behavior. It really is an individual escaping responsibility 'thing'.

 

[gym law mom]

I would run, not walk out of that gym. Having a child come home and cry because she feels she's not doing anything right it not acceptable. This coaching "technique" is not good for any age group, but is especially bad for young ones. Take it from a mom who had to remove her gymmie from a very bad coaching situation with the yelling and the put downs---it does affect them in the long term.
Don't worry about what level your dd could compete at another gym---just look for one where she'll be happy.

 

[gymjoy]

In this case, if this coach is as bad as you have described, you are not being overprotective or teaching your dd to run away when the going gets tough. You are teaching her to follow her instincts, that bullying from anyone is not allowed (not even a coach), and that she is the most important thing - not gymnastics.

That said, I agree that the dynamic changes a bit when they get older. My dd's coaches do yell at times - sometimes it is a group of girls who are not working, sometimes it is an individual. However, it is never the little girls. For them it is all positives - praise and treats. But those little girls are so eager to please, the older ones...well, sometimes they can be a bit, um, difficult. As well as a bit caught up in themselves.... They can also put the 'yelling' in perspective. Little ones just can not do that yet.

Before you leave, you need to make a big stink about why you are leaving. Tell every parent. Have loud conversations about your feeling in the waiting room. Take off your shoes and walk across the gym to talk to the coach. Tell her you will no longer allow your dd to be bullied or have her self-esteem and love of gymnastics squashed by said coach. Then walk out with your head high because you are in the right. You might just help out a few other little girls as well.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

In this case, if this coach is as bad as you have described, you are not being overprotective or teaching your dd to run away when the going gets tough. You are teaching her to follow her instincts, that bullying from anyone is not allowed (not even a coach), and that she is the most important thing - not gymnastics.

That said, I agree that the dynamic changes a bit when they get older. My dd's coaches do yell at times - sometimes it is a group of girls who are not working, sometimes it is an individual. However, it is never the little girls. For them it is all positives - praise and treats. But those little girls are so eager to please, the older ones...well, sometimes they can be a bit, um, difficult. As well as a bit caught up in themselves.... They can also put the 'yelling' in perspective. Little ones just can not do that yet.

Before you leave, you need to make a big stink about why you are leaving. Tell every parent. Have loud conversations about your feeling in the waiting room. Take off your shoes and walk across the gym to talk to the coach. Tell her you will no longer allow your dd to be bullied or have her self-esteem and love of gymnastics squashed by said coach. Then walk out with your head high because you are in the right. You might just help out a few other little girls as well.

Good luck.

i concur with what everyone has posted except for the above in bold. please don't do THAT. another child could become hurt just from the mere distraction or from inadvertently walking someplace and in front of a moving athlete. no.no.no.

 

[ejgymmom]

I agree with what everyone else has said. I have a 5 year old Level 3'er and if she was in your daughter's situation I'd run out of that gym and never look back. My daughter is in a group of 4-7 year olds too and her coaches can be stern at times but they never yell. The only time I've seen any of the girls cry is if they fell off beam or something, and then they just get hugs from the coach.

Please bring this issue up with whoever you can in the gym even if you have to do it by phone, and then walk out and never go back.

Try to check out all the other gyms that are convenient to you. Even if they don't place your daughter in a Level 3 group I'm sure they'd take into consideration the number of hours she's been doing and place her somewhere appropriate to her skill level so that she can still learn new things. Good luck!

 

[mamaoftwo]

Thanks again!

Well, I finally got up the nerve to call a couple of area gyms. She is being skills tested at one of them tonight - though I think she will not "make" the L3 TEAM there. Her BHS, mil-circle and walkover are close - but not quite there and it sounds like they're required (her team just started on them in January). We'll see how they judge it today. OK with me personally, but hope she wouldn't be too disappointed (another "I'm not good enough?"). I'd have to just tell her it's their procedure and talk up how "great" she did to make their L2 or L3 REC class.

The other gyms need to return my calls. I am ok "just" placing her in a rec program, though I know she really wants to compete some day (just not for for her current gym). Her level of conditioning for a 7 year old is great and the skills she's got are polished - I just hope she'll retain that in a rec class! She's worked so hard for it. Maybe she could get pre-team somewhere. Again, level doesn't really matter as long as she gets decent coaching and some conditioning, so she could hopefully, eventually compete if she still wants to.

Thanks again!!

 

[gymdog]

Thanks again!

Well, I finally got up the nerve to call a couple of area gyms. She is being skills tested at one of them tonight - though I think she will not "make" the L3 TEAM there. Her BHS, mil-circle and walkover are close - but quite there and it sounds like they're required. We'll see how they judge it today. OK with me personally, but hope she wouldn't be too disappointed (another "I'm not good enough?"). I'd have to just tell her it's their procedure and talk up how "great" she did to make their L3 REC class, too. It's an all-around great gym from what I've heard (our gym's rec manager just left for there WITH her team DD) - is supportive and has produced a recent olympian (Not that I am thinking Olympics for DD, not by any stretch, but good to know that it blends both good coaching and management skills!).

The other gyms need to return my calls. I am ok "just" placing her in a rec program, though I know she really wants to compete some day (Just for for her current gym). Her level of conditioning for a 7 year old is great and the skills she's got are polished - I just hope she'll retain that in a rec class! She's worked so hard for it. Maybe she could get pre-team. Again, level doesn't really matter as long as she gets decent coaching and some conditioning, so she could hopefully, eventually compete if she still wants to.

Hmm, for a 7 year old with the skills you described I would think even if she isn't ready for their L3 team (not sure if they compete L3 so that's the issue) she would still be on a preteam or a team track program. If there are a couple gyms in the area I would check them all out if this one isn't the right fit as far as her team goals. For some it might be an issue of space and priority.

 

[gym law mom]

I agree with Gymdog. This is a good chance to check all the options out there. Some may or may not compete L3, some may have pre-team instead and while she doesn't quite have a few skills one or more gyms may be willing to put her on a team and work on the skills needed.
Ask lots of questions about the team program at each gym, watch how the girls interact with the coaches and see how your dd responds to each place. I'll bet you find a gym that is a good fit for dd and the family.
Let us know how it all goes!

 

[mamaoftwo]

So, the L3 coach at another gym called back and DD is going to try out there, too. She asked about some of her skills she said she thinks DD might fit well skill-wise. DD was invited to do a full practice just to see how she likes it and make sure she fits. Yay! The practice times are even a little better for us, which while in comparison this is a small thing, it's still a GOOD thing! If the L3 team is not the best fit, they do have a pre-team that she can check out, too.

So, the plan is to try both gyms so far and see which DD likes best. We'll still try at 3rd gym, too, if they call back. The other area gyms may be a bit too far away to be fully practical (class times vs. school dismissal times), but may call them again too. I'm feeling rather thankful I live in a large metro area so we have a lot to choose from.

 

[mariposa]

So glad that you are checking out other gyms. That kind of coaching is unacceptable. We wouldn't let our children's teachers yell at them like that, why would we let a gym coach do that?! Hope she finds a great fit!!

 

[Coacharella]

Well coming from a loud coach....I'm always loud. I just, coach that way. When I'm happy, when I'm sad, I'm just always a-yellin'. But I'm confident that my kids are okay with it up to now. I don't think I'm being intimidating. I'm just a loud coach. It's not MEAN yelling, it's helpful yelling. I tell them that though. I'm not bein' loud and yellin' for fun, I want you to listen to me, so you can get better at gymnastics!!! .. Yet they're young as well. I expect a lot from them though. You have to in competitive gymnastics...simple as that.

As for the coaches not wanting to talk to parents, my number one guess would be that "crazy" parents have ruined their expectations of all parents for generations to come. LOL, a bit of an exxageration but...somethin' like that. Some clubs even have rules where parents have to set up meetings if they want to talk to the coaches or the clubs make them pay to talk to the coaches.

 

[gymjoy]

i concur with what everyone has posted except for the above in bold. please don't do THAT. another child could become hurt just from the mere distraction or from inadvertently walking someplace and in front of a moving athlete. no.no.no.

What would you do then if the coach, as this one appears to be doing, goes out of the way to avoid any contact with parents? Shout across the gym that you will not leave until she comes to talk to you? Have another coach shuttle back and forth as a messenger?
I certainly would not want any gymnast hurt. But, honestly, if I were in this situation, I would take off my shoes and walk over to that coach. Sorry, I would. I would not storm across the floor in front of working gymnast, and I would certainly make my way over at an appropriate time before or after practice skirting around the kids working out - but I would make sure I got to that coach before she did her disappearing act. I believe it can be done without any injury to any of the other gymnast.


(okay, you could call and make an appointment to talk with the coach, but when my ire is up I tend to become a little more dramatic<--me being dramatically ticked off, lol)