Parents Is parental jealousy for real?

[Dr Maleficent]

Any time I think "wouldn't it be amazing to be the parent of an Olympic athlete - their parents must be bursting with pride", I remind myself of how incredibly lucky I am. My kids can walk. They can talk. They are loving. They have a home to live in. These are things that I appreciate every day, along with the fact that they are able to overcome personal challenges to continue in this crazy sport. Anyone who has a kid who has the physical and mental ability to do gymnastics, at whatever level, should realise how fortunate they and their kid are. It is truly sad that some parents would hate or act unpleasantly to another just because that person's kid is a little bit faster or stronger or more bendy at the moment.

Although I get what some people here are saying about not having the time or inclination to be best friends with all the parents at the gym, that isn't what the OP is talking about - she just wants a little common human decency - a smile, a hello. We are all in this life together, and a little basic friendliness shouldn't be too much to ask from anyone (possibly those with social phobic disorders excepted, but I seriously doubt that that is what is afflicting all the parents at the OP's gym).

Come on folks - "if you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours"

 

[Deleted member 18037]

A parent of a level 3/4 gymnast DOES NOT understand any of this.

Actually I do understand it. Just because my daughter is L4 doesn't make me a moron.

I am very much looking forward to not dealing with crazy parents.

 

[B.Gold]

Actually I do understand it. Just because my daughter is L4 doesn't make me a moron.

I am very much looking forward to not dealing with crazy parents.

Well then I guess I'm a moron because I was completely clueless how hard this gets... And unlike other hard things in life, it seems to have no ending, and it just gets harder. I used to LOVE meets but I get to miss my dds first two meets due to other family commitments and I'm thrilled. I'm trying to figure out how to miss the third one.
In the gym waiting room I have no energy to carry the burden of my dds struggles, smile, and tell you how great your dd is. Don't take it personally, I'm not jealous, in fact I'm thrilled she has talented hard working girls to work out with, it's very good for her. But I'm just exhausted from it all.
I've loved this post because it feels good to know I'm not alone. It's timely.

 

[GlobalNomad]

We go to events, go to fundraisers, participate, move tables, bake cookies, send encouraging emails and texts, congratulate parents/gymnasts, cheer for every single gymnast at the gym. As compulsories, we have attended optional meets, as optionals, we have attended compulsory meets. I really don't feel like there's much more we can do and I'm feeling incredibly fed up and upset.

I've met some of my dearest friends in the gym, even though that's not where I was looking. I think it's because we had other things in common though. Maybe if these families realize you have other things in common besides gymnastics they will warm up? We have met parents that are interested in photography, camping, competitive running, swimming, books, knitting, travel, hiking, etc. If your DD lives near a teammate or if they go to the same school, maybe offering a carpool would interest someone as well.

If you ever watched Friends, there was an episode that reminds me of we feel about gymnastics sometimes: the one where the cute doctor explains that he just doesn't want to see another cup of coffee!

 

[wallflower]

Actually I do understand it. Just because my daughter is L4 doesn't make me a moron.

I am very much looking forward to not dealing with crazy parents.

That's so sweet that you think you get what it's like. I sure miss the ignorant bliss of beginning gymnastics.

And saying you aren't a moron highlights exactly how much you have no idea about what I'm talking about. It has nothing to do with being a moron. The most intelligent person in the world could not possibly understand it until your kid is there.

 

[wallflower]

Well then I guess I'm a moron because I was completely clueless how hard this gets... And unlike other hard things in life, it seems to have no ending, and it just gets harder. I used to LOVE meets but I get to miss my dds first two meets due to other family commitments and I'm thrilled. I'm trying to figure out how to miss the third one.
In the gym waiting room I have no energy to carry the burden of my dds struggles, smile, and tell you how great your dd is. Don't take it personally, I'm not jealous, in fact I'm thrilled she has talented hard working girls to work out with, it's very good for her. But I'm just exhausted from it all.
I've loved this post because it feels good to know I'm not alone. It's timely.

You totally get it. Exhausted is the right word.

 

[vbdb]

Of course parental jealousy is real, it happens everywhere in every sport. Asking if it is and then attributing the lack of attention you get from other parents to it sounds like a ***** to brag to me. I don't want to speculate on why they don't talk to OP, only those parents know and only the OP can control how she reacts to the situation. The sacrifice to be part of the "in crowd" at the gym will come at the expense of your ethics because you'll inevitably be dragged down into the chatter and gossip if they're the kind of people who would exclude a parent just because of their kid's abilities. It must be hard not to feel like part of the community but they don't sound like the kind of people I'd want to be friends with.

 

[Taurus]

Haha - I was just thinking "I wonder what my dd would think if she were reading this?" - I think she would be astonished to realize just how much of OUR energy goes into their sport!! I'm glad you posted this thread- it's intersting to read about the different ways we all deal and support each other!

 

[2G1B]

For the OP, it sounds like there is *something* going on that makes the other parents avoid you. Could it be jealousy? Maybe, though honestly, I have never seen jealousy over one girl's *abilities* make the other parents avoid that girl's parents. I have seen annoyance over how that parent acts make others avoid the parent though. I know one mom who makes comments like, "Oh, my Susie was always first in everything at that age." Or "My Susie was that level so young that it just seems weird to see such old girls doing that level" (said to me about my 7yo new level 2). If the OP doesn't fall into that 'brag thinly disguised as an 'innocent' observation', then nothing to worry about there.

The OP home schools, are you very religious? If so, some people aren't comfortable with that. I'm not sure where you live. Is homeschooling uncommon? Do the parents think that you are weird because of it? From homeschool online groups that I'm a part of, I have heard that that happens. We are fortunate that it is not the case for us. In DS's practice group of 6 boys only one doesn't homeschool. We are new to homeschooling, so DS has been on both sides of that with his team and we had no issues on either side. My DD that homeachools is in a practice group of 12 girls, 5 of them homeschool, so it isn't something weird there either.

I guess that I'm just saying, if they are aloof and weird, it could be something other than jealousy.

As for what so many have posted about when you have been in this longer you get where you just don't want to deal with the other parents... I hope that I'm never that way. I am going into my 5th season of DS competing and my girls have had a couple of fall season in there too (makes for a LONG comp season as a parent). This spring I have all 3 competing spring. I still greet new parents when I see them at the gym. I remember being that new team parent and feeling awkward and like everyone already had their friendships (my son moved up to team at the start of his first season, so all of those parents and boys had already known each other and been together for practices for 7 months and the first meet). I dont care if that new parent is a level 2 mom new to competitive gymnastics or a level 9 mom new to our gym, I'm going to introduce myself and as long as they seem open to chatting, I will chat with them.

We did change gyns a while back and one thing that I had liked about the new gym from observations at meets was that the parents sat together and everyone cheered for all of the boys on the team. At the time, the parents at our gym did not sit together at meets and I did want more of a team atmosphere. At this point, I now cheer for any kid I know out there - my kids' current teammates and previous teammates (from the old gym).

 

[mommyof1]

Exhausted is the right word.

I am only an L3 mom and I am exhausted by gymnastics too. I am quite sure my exhaustion is not the same as an L10 mom's exhaustion, but it is why I avoid engaging with the other gym parents as much as possible. I drop off at the curb according to my daughter's preference and actually set foot in the building maybe once a month. It takes everything I've got just to survive the daily grind and get my kid to practice, myself to the airport, and the stupid Elf onto the Shelf. My daughter has had one mock meet and two real meets so far and they have been absolute torture; I wish I could just drop her off and not have to watch, but she would be devastated. At the meets, I cheer for the other kids, congratulate the other parents, and try not to compare my own child with the others. I am sure the other parents think I am aloof and envious of their daughters, but I don't really have the energy to care. Instead of becoming part of the mom clique at the gym, I'd rather just come here to get out my inner CGM so no one in real life has to meet her.

 

[Gymmommy71]

Isn't OPs DD a L7?

I definitely see jealousy at the lower levels ...... even preteam. There is so much stress about meets, skills, move ups, coaching, etc.
Maybe a better word would be insecurity.

The above is so true about the lower levels - those parents are so stressed out worrying about every little skill at practice and tenth on a score. They are so insecure that sometimes politeness becomes a low priority, so I never really take anything a family in their first few years of competitive gymnastics may do or say too personally.

However, most optionals (4th or 5th+ year in team gymnastics) parents are much more secure because they have been through enough trails and tribulations, and have a good understanding and acceptance of their kid's "place" in the big picture of the sport (not just the small world of their gym). And after many meets, injuries and years and years of skills and practices they know that the addition of a new kid or two to their gym isn't going to change their kid's place very much, if at all.

OP - If these parents are being unfreindly towards you because of jealously or that you are an outsider who didn't come up the ranks with them, then I second those who've said they aren't the type of friends you want to have anyways (it's like a popular table a middle school filled w/ a bunch of phony insecure mean girls, why would you want to sit there?). As long as your daughter is being treated well at the gym, likes it there, and is doing well, I really wouldn't worry about the other parents liking me or not. There are a lot worse things that can be wrong about a gym than mean parents so count your blessings. Just keep being polite and nice, etc. in case some of them do come around in time.

 

[Ali'sMom]

As we start Level 6, with a paralyzing beam fear, and skills being replaced every other week because of it, I truly wish I could go back to worrying about that darned kip!

But as much as I now laugh at myself how "intense" that kip seemed, compared to this darned beam thing (and trust me, IRL I use much much worse words right now describing this beam fear), I still do understand though, that at the time, the kip WAS intense. I now know it was nothing compared to now, and I know NOW is nothing compared to what we will feel next year with the L7 skills, and even more so if she even TRIES for L8, but I wouldn't minimize what a L3 or L4 mom feels at that time.
It's akin to telling a 16 year old girl who's in love that she doesn't know what love is. For 16 she knows what 16 year old love is, and it's "real". When she's an adult she will look back and laugh, but that doesn't mean adults should be laughing at her while she's 16.

 

[2G1B]

I guess that this all just seems so foreign to me! I can't imagine being anything but happy with a new kid on the team! My girls are NOT top of the podium finishers, so I generally do assume that any new kid will likely be better than my girls; but I'm still happy for the new team mates. And for my son... he can be all over the place - top of the group for some events, not for others; but I'm also always happy to see new team mates. If the parents turn out to be super annoying (brag a lot, are rude, way too competitive) I get turned off from them; but my initial reaction is to always be happy to see the new kid. And even if the parents are annoying, as long as the kid isn't, I'm still happy for the new team member. I do get frustrated in the end when a kid (new or old) is mean or a brat.

For parents, my number one annoyance is if they are overly competitive. I like for us to all support each other's kids and be down to earth. I have seen some parents who are just so competitive that it makes me batty. Oh, and if a kid isn't a good team player, yeah, that drives me batty too. But like I said, at least at first, I'm always optimistic and happy to see any new kids.

 

[GYM0M]

As we start Level 6, with a paralyzing beam fear, and skills being replaced every other week because of it, I truly wish I could go back to worrying about that darned kip!

But as much as I now laugh at myself how "intense" that kip seemed, compared to this darned beam thing (and trust me, IRL I use much much worse words right now describing this beam fear), I still do understand though, that at the time, the kip WAS intense. I now know it was nothing compared to now, and I know NOW is nothing compared to what we will feel next year with the L7 skills, and even more so if she even TRIES for L8, but I wouldn't minimize what a L3 or L4 mom feels at that time.
It's akin to telling a 16 year old girl who's in love that she doesn't know what love is. For 16 she knows what 16 year old love is, and it's "real". When she's an adult she will look back and laugh, but that doesn't mean adults should be laughing at her while she's 16.

I don't think anyone is laughing as we all remember the rats race of compulsory gymnastics. As seasoned parents, we no longer worry about move-ups, placements, the other competitors, coach expectations, or skill acquisition because we already know these types of things. For me, the turmoil now stems from a deep rooted parental empathy. I have absolutely no idea how to help her along her journey. For fear of saying/doing the wrong thing, I don't say/do much at all & that makes me feel like I'm not being there for her. Like I'm purposely encouraging my NINE year old to figure out life by herself. We are still very new to the upper level life, but I very frequently ask myself WHY am I supporting THIS? What kind of parent must I be? These are thing that I question on GOOD days with phenomenal coaches and a very supportive team, both parents and gymmates!

 

[Faith]

I very frequently ask myself WHY am I supporting THIS? What kind of parent must I be? These are thing that I question on GOOD days with phenomenal coaches and a very supportive team, both parents and gymmates!

Me too. We are at the point where elite is a very real possibility, and it's frightening. Frightening for me as an adult, and my child is going to have to actually go through all the stuff that's scaring *me*. I'm scared for what she has to face and the even bigger mountains, the politics that comes with national squads, and what it will do to our family. I'm scared for what it will do to her siblings.

I have probably been quite aloof at practice recently because I don't actually want to think about this sport, where it's going, what we will have to do for it. I really don't want to talk about it.

 

[wgymmom]

For the OP, it sounds like there is *something* going on that makes the other parents avoid you. Could it be jealousy? Maybe, though honestly, I have never seen jealousy over one girl's *abilities* make the other parents avoid that girl's parents. I have seen annoyance over how that parent acts make others avoid the parent though. I know one mom who makes comments like, "Oh, my Susie was always first in everything at that age." Or "My Susie was that level so young that it just seems weird to see such old girls doing that level" (said to me about my 7yo new level 2). If the OP doesn't fall into that 'brag thinly disguised as an 'innocent' observation', then nothing to worry about there.

The OP home schools, are you very religious? If so, some people aren't comfortable with that. I'm not sure where you live. Is homeschooling uncommon? Do the parents think that you are weird because of it? From homeschool online groups that I'm a part of, I have heard that that happens. We are fortunate that it is not the case for us. In DS's practice group of 6 boys only one doesn't homeschool. We are new to homeschooling, so DS has been on both sides of that with his team and we had no issues on either side. My DD that homeachools is in a practice group of 12 girls, 5 of them homeschool, so it isn't something weird there either.

I guess that I'm just saying, if they are aloof and weird, it could be something other than jealousy.

As for what so many have posted about when you have been in this longer you get where you just don't want to deal with the other parents... I hope that I'm never that way. I am going into my 5th season of DS competing and my girls have had a couple of fall season in there too (makes for a LONG comp season as a parent). This spring I have all 3 competing spring. I still greet new parents when I see them at the gym. I remember being that new team parent and feeling awkward and like everyone already had their friendships (my son moved up to team at the start of his first season, so all of those parents and boys had already known each other and been together for practices for 7 months and the first meet). I dont care if that new parent is a level 2 mom new to competitive gymnastics or a level 9 mom new to our gym, I'm going to introduce myself and as long as they seem open to chatting, I will chat with them.

We did change gyns a while back and one thing that I had liked about the new gym from observations at meets was that the parents sat together and everyone cheered for all of the boys on the team. At the time, the parents at our gym did not sit together at meets and I did want more of a team atmosphere. At this point, I now cheer for any kid I know out there - my kids' current teammates and previous teammates (from the old gym).

Yes, my DD is a L7 now.

We do homeschool, but we're not super duper religious. We're Christian, but we wear pants and listen to music, KWIM? Homeschooling is more and more common in this area.

As far as people coming and going at the gym... we are now actually one of the longest-tenured families on team right now. You all know how it goes, it's like a pyramid. Lots of L3's, not so many optionals. Our gym isn't enormous.

 

[Ali'sMom]

I don't think anyone is laughing as we all remember the rats race of compulsory gymnastics. As seasoned parents, we no longer worry about move-ups, placements, the other competitors, coach expectations, or skill acquisition because we already know these types of things. For me, the turmoil now stems from a deep rooted parental empathy. I have absolutely no idea how to help her along her journey. For fear of saying/doing the wrong thing, I don't say/do much at all & that makes me feel like I'm not being there for her. Like I'm purposely encouraging my NINE year old to figure out life by herself. We are still very new to the upper level life, but I very frequently ask myself WHY am I supporting THIS? What kind of parent must I be? These are thing that I question on GOOD days with phenomenal coaches and a very supportive team, both parents and gymmates!

Not laughing, per se, but there have been a couple comments minimizing what a L3/L4 mom might feel is intense.

As for the parenting.. Ugh. Last night through hiccupping sobs, based on studying, my DD begged me to take a break from gymnastics. "Not long, just a week or two". My first instinct was "How the heck can you take a break?". I took some deep breaths and answered "Let's just play it one day at a time. After your tests are over tomorrow, maybe you'll feel a lot different".
And then I wanted to cry, wondering if it is worth it.
For the record, she woke up in a much better place this morning.

 

[duyetanh]

Ok, so this thread has rather tangented away from the original OPs intentions, but I must add my two cents fwiw in terms of the optional stress. When she finished her beam, I thought I was going to faint. I was SO relieved. She never fell off, and hit the tricks to the best of her ability. I ran to the bathroom...and realized I never even thought to stick around to see her score....

 

[Ali'sMom]

Ok, so this thread has rather tangented away from the original OPs intentions, but I must add my two cents fwiw in terms of the optional stress. When she finished her beam, I thought I was going to faint. I was SO relieved. She never fell off, and hit the tricks to the best of her ability. I ran to the bathroom...and realized I never even thought to stick around to see her score....

I had that moment once in L4. 3 meets in a row she fell from the cartwheel.
This meet, this huge travel meet (In the Bahamas), she put so much stress on herself because it was a "big meet" (in actuality, no physically bigger than others). Crying in the bathroom, what if she falls, etc, etc, etc.

I was so nervous for her. As soon as it was over, and she landed the cartwheel, and the turn of the dismount, with tears streaming down my face, I had to finally go to the restroom. One mom said "Don't you want to see her score?" And I said "It doesn't matter - she STAYED ON THE BEAM!".
Just typing that, thinking about upcoming meets as a L6, my stomach instantly lurched into a knot! Oh, it's going to be a long season, even though it's short! LOL!

 

[Taurus]

OT again- levels might be different beasts, but for us w/ littles, I think it's the first time that actions/ consequences are played on a big public scale- there's scary/sad/pressure for kids & all of it is out of our control now, and we sort of struggle w/ the "let go" and have to learn to just "be there" for them, rather than fix it right away. At dd's first few meets, I was really worried she would melt down and that I would be the mom of the "sore loser" - it feels very intense