Parents Is parental jealousy for real?

[1canadiangymmom]

OP - Just wanted to say, I get what you are saying, and it's probably nothing to do with you, it's probably just a bunch of cliquey bit*&^ parents. Keep being kind and supportive, and offer a nod and smile. Either someone will come around or they won't. For the first few years at my dd's gym, this is kind of how it was for me, no one was outwardly rude, but no one would include me, save a seat, go out of their way etc. Now we are one of the families that have been there the longest, and I have made some wonderful friends. Most of those original moms dd's have either retired, changed gyms or quit, and the atmosphere is very different. We now are much friendlier towards everyone, and it is a much more enjoyable place to be.

 

[needcoffee]

I had that moment once in L4. 3 meets in a row she fell from the cartwheel.
This meet, this huge travel meet (In the Bahamas), she put so much stress on herself because it was a "big meet" (in actuality, no physically bigger than others). Crying in the bathroom, what if she falls, etc, etc, etc.

I was so nervous for her. As soon as it was over, and she landed the cartwheel, and the turn of the dismount, with tears streaming down my face, I had to finally go to the restroom. One mom said "Don't you want to see her score?" And I said "It doesn't matter - she STAYED ON THE BEAM!".
Just typing that, thinking about upcoming meets as a L6, my stomach instantly lurched into a knot! Oh, it's going to be a long season, even though it's short! LOL!

DDs only goal at states this year was to stay on the beam. And she fell twice, and very nearly a 3rd time, big wobble. She was devastated. She's used to her beam scores being crappy, but all she wanted was to not fall. Yet she finished the routine and plastered on a huge smile for the judges at the end, that I was so proud she didn't fall apart. Scores are such small potatoes. I really miss level 3! They don't post scores for the level 3's and under here, it was so much less stressful!!

 

[blueredzone]

I think jealousy is a natural thing. The poor are jealous of the rich. The have nots are jealous of the haves.

People who can't have kids are jealous of ones who can.



So at its basic structure of life. I would say yes. Parental jealousy is real. Just block it out. At the end of the day its about our kids being happy and cheering on all the kids.

Jealousy kind of seems small potatoes when we get to see kids land skills at a meet that they are having a hard time with in practice.

 

[flowerchild]

Parental unfriendliness happens in all sports.

I just went to an athletic event for my youngest daughter this weekend. ( not gymnastics). All the team parents were sitting together. It is my daughter's first year on the team.

I walked up to the parents in the bleachers, smiled, said hello. No one acknowledged me. At No one asked me to sit.

So I sat in the empty row of seats behind them, by myself. For 3 hours. No one turned around to talk to me.

Sometimes people are just unfriendly.

 

[blueredzone]

Parental unfriendliness happens in all sports.

I just went to an athletic event for my youngest daughter this weekend. ( not gymnastics). All the team parents were sitting together. It is my daughter's first year on the team.

I walked up to the parents in the bleachers, smiled, said hello. No one acknowledged me. At No one asked me to sit.

So I sat in the empty row of seats behind them, by myself. For 3 hours. No one turned around to talk to me.

Sometimes people are just unfriendly.

We have new parents on our team this year. I have taken it upon myself to kind of be the the organizer and everything. Snack bags for the kids after the meet, making sure we sit together and all that fun stuff.

We have a text group to organize fun stuff like the bags or what not. The new parents did not reach out at all. So we have reached out and no response. Oh well there new it may take some time

 

[sshreed]

Hubby and I always sit away from parents. I consider most of them really great friends, but we both love watching our girl and tend to not breath when she competes. We are able to focus on her. We cheer for every other gymmie and enjoy watching them all. At awards all parents gather and enjoy the results. We cheer for them all. There is really no competition amongst parents, just loving encouragement and congratulations. There are gyms around that are not cut throat and full of jealousy.

 

[gymmomtoo]

Maybe the other parents are jealous, maybe they think you're aloof. I have no idea. But if you want to change things then go out of your way to chat with people. Don't wait for them to say hi at meets, walk up say hi, ask if you can sit by them. Ask how their daughter is doing and if she's excited about the meet. Don't bring up your daughter unless they ask and keep your response minimal. My guess is most of them know each other from outside gym and are friendly that way. My first inclination is to always wonder what I'm doing wrong if someone is standoffish with me so my advice is to take those extra steps yourself.

 

[NutterButter]

I'm very skeptical that your problem fitting in stems from jealousy. The two big things I see is that your DD has the reputation for being good and you home school. Both these things may make you seem a little aloof or unapproachable which is very different from jealousy. The other thing is that you've mentioned more than once is that some of the times that you have felt left out have also included your DH (I'm thinking about the time that you two sat at a table alone and at a meet). My personal observation (not just in gymnastics but from other kid activities or classroom activities) is that the inclusion of "The Dad" can mess up the dynamic of "The Moms". So if the "Moms" were less welcoming or sat at a different table it may just be because your DH was with you (and absolutely no judgement on that because DH's are awesome). When I attend meets or school stuff with DH I tend to just sit with him and not hang with the moms.

My advice is that if you want to fit in, then act like you belong. It took me two years to feel like I fit in with DD's team moms. The first year I was overwhelmed by team then next year I actively tried to connect with others. All the advice you've gotten so far is great - keep it short, sweet and positive when talking to others. If you know that a teammate just learned a new skill or some other milestone, then make a comment about how exciting that is and how happy you are for the kid. Stay away from talking smack about coaches. Be mindful of what you say about your DD. This approach has worked for me in times when I felt like I didn't fit in.

Good luck to you! I hope you find the balance of what you are looking for.

 

[l.c.o]

There's one mom in my DD's group who doesn't seem to like me. She has never once approached me in the lobby, but chats to other moms... I'll catch her eye and smile and she won't smile back... It especially sucks as we actually live in the same town, and she truly seems quite nice.

DD has been back at original gym for almost a year, and we don't know this family from "before", so nothing there to help it along.

One time at a recent meet, I approached her to see how her DD's session went, I'm pretty sure that I accidentally offended her and pissed her off. The 13+ girls competed with a different level, and I commented that while I get they were probably trying to make numbers work, that it sucked that they would put a less populated age group with an entirely different level... isolating many of the 13+ level 4s. And with level 5, which many area gyms don't compete to boot (ours doesn't). I was trying to empathize with her that Susie had to compete alone, and she took it as a dig that her DD is "old" and got quite defensive... (My DD is 11.5, so um, don't really have THAT much to actually brag about age-wise!!). I hadn't meant it that way at all! Her DD has only been in the sport competitively for a couple of years and she's quite talented! I said that, but by then, I'd already made things worse, and uh, things still haven't improved.

Sucks as my DD REALLY likes this kid, too.

Sometimes we say things that aren't interpreted as we mean them. We can control how we speak, not how someone interprets it. Perhaps you've said something taken similarly. Perhaps you haven't and they're just jerks.

Anyway, I tend to sometimes be aloof. Sometimes I chat with moms I know, other times I sorta want to keep to myself. I'm totally socially awkward and sometimes have a hard time putting myself out there, which makes me feel even worse about having tried and failed. Anyway - just thought I'd share. Sometimes remaining aloof has its benefits, but it's sort of nice to have a built-in support group for helping our kids cope with the sport! I hope you can find so,e common ground and build a relationship. Have you considered hosting a team event where maybe kids can come do a craft or something and moms can bring a bottle of wine? Maybe offer to organize an event for moms to make the girls ribbon flip flops together... And maybe offer wine? I don't know, just 'thinking out loud'.

 

[meganliz77]

Sorry, I disagree, feelings are just that feelings. You don't choose them. You can choose what you do about them but no you can not choose not to feel something.

I can't imagine, someone telling me feeling sad at times because I miss my mom (she died) is something I choose to feel and I can some how change that and not be sad.

And I certainly can't imagine telling my kid if she feels mad or hurt about something it's her fault because she chooses to feel that way.

And no while it's difficult to "read" tone, in person you can tell what's jealousy, anger, happiness etc.....

Shoot listen to the folks chiming here. It must be the "victims" fault for thinking to highly of her kid.

And of course the coaches can't change the parents behavior, they can mitigate it some but not change it. Why do you think many discourage watching practice because it limits the BS of the grown ups.

I have one of "those" kids. She isn't going to the Olympics but she is strong and a darn good gymmie. She has been labeled the kid to beat, and the funny part is she's not a lock this year because other kids have caught up and started passing her, it really can be anyone's day. And our gym is not a lock this year either. And boy there are some parents having a hard time with that too. Her group of kids are great. Some of the parents not so much.

I have to tell you it kinda sucks that I have to tone my joy for her down so as not to be labeled a parent who thinks her kid is "all that". It would be nice to say yeah she rocked it today instead of yeah, she had a good day. But we wait until we get out to the car to let her know, when she had a great event.

I root for all the kids, genuinely. I'm positive about all the kids, to the kids and to the parents. I teach my daughter to be gracious and she is. I volunteer, participate in activities. And overall the parents are nice and we get along.

And I still get the whispering. I hear oh good, X is in the other age group this meet. Some of the parents start to practically beam if we aren't going to a meet. I had to listen to a whole bunch of crud (with the pot stirred by one parent), because of where the coach put my daughter. Rather then tell me my daughter had a good day, it was umm did you know she was in the wrong group....As if I made the freaking decision. And in a moment of "bragging" here my kid did really well and placement would of been better in the other group.

My kid had her best floor all year. The only person who acknowledged it was a higher level parent. I can't even describe how nice it was to get a heartfelt compliment for my kid.

And I don't need hearts and flowers and unicorns. I'm a big girl, I get it. But don't say it's our fault either. And don't tell us it's us and our imagination. Sometimes it actually is the other parent. CGMs are real, they do exist.

I can totally relate to this... I have one of these kids, and usually have to come here to be excited for her or share her fears because I can't openly celebrate her success,and others honestly don't believe she struggles from time to time.

 

[mom23]

Hoping this gets back to the original poster as this thread has really taken off.

First, some mentioned that they sensed bragging; I didn’t. I simply think she was trying to accurately describe the situation. She seemed loathe to come out and say her daughter is the best on the team, but I’m reading into it that that is the case. Look, someone has to be the best; someone has to be the worst – just a fact. I’ve had three DD in gymnastics up to a point with one still competing. My last one has been both the best and the worst on the team – you begin to realize not to take this too seriously as you know that it can change for any number of reasons. As for the parents – I find it inexcusable and pathetic that they’d cheer for every other athlete on the team but the poster’s daughter and that’s what gets me. How they treat her I guess is whatever, but that’s just not okay. I’m sorry that this is happening. I do think it could be jealousy or perhaps that maybe you home school (no idea why) or maybe your financial situation (?). The only thing I can come up with is that maybe it’s something about your daughter. I think you mentioned that she sometimes doesn’t feel included and may have said something about her being quiet. From all the teams my daughters have been on, quiet ones have been rare in my experience (not that there’s definitely anything wrong with that at all – just the nature of the sport/competitiveness or something that seems to attract the more outgoing kids maybe). That could be interpreted by some (kids) as thinking she’s better than, or stuck-up, etc. It might be that she feels a little uncomfortable or even embarrassed by the coach pulling her out and saying she’s too good to be in the back (bad move in my opinion!), so doubt that helps – maybe if she could openly try to self-depreciate herself to her teammates (in a good way – “oh, gawd, that was a really bad turn, etc.” (being careful not to fish for a compliment) or “wow, Susie, that looked really good!). Just trying to throw anything out there that might help – good luck to you!

 

[wgymmom]

Hoping this gets back to the original poster as this thread has really taken off.

First, some mentioned that they sensed bragging; I didn’t. I simply think she was trying to accurately describe the situation. She seemed loathe to come out and say her daughter is the best on the team, but I’m reading into it that that is the case. Look, someone has to be the best; someone has to be the worst – just a fact. I’ve had three DD in gymnastics up to a point with one still competing. My last one has been both the best and the worst on the team – you begin to realize not to take this too seriously as you know that it can change for any number of reasons. As for the parents – I find it inexcusable and pathetic that they’d cheer for every other athlete on the team but the poster’s daughter and that’s what gets me. How they treat her I guess is whatever, but that’s just not okay. I’m sorry that this is happening. I do think it could be jealousy or perhaps that maybe you home school (no idea why) or maybe your financial situation (?). The only thing I can come up with is that maybe it’s something about your daughter. I think you mentioned that she sometimes doesn’t feel included and may have said something about her being quiet. From all the teams my daughters have been on, quiet ones have been rare in my experience (not that there’s definitely anything wrong with that at all – just the nature of the sport/competitiveness or something that seems to attract the more outgoing kids maybe). That could be interpreted by some (kids) as thinking she’s better than, or stuck-up, etc. It might be that she feels a little uncomfortable or even embarrassed by the coach pulling her out and saying she’s too good to be in the back (bad move in my opinion!), so doubt that helps – maybe if she could openly try to self-depreciate herself to her teammates (in a good way – “oh, gawd, that was a really bad turn, etc.” (being careful not to fish for a compliment) or “wow, Susie, that looked really good!). Just trying to throw anything out there that might help – good luck to you!

Thanks. DD can be very quiet and she is extremely focused too. She is all business at the gym and just does not mess around. I know that she will compliment and encourage her teammates though. She is always nice to everyone. She is far from perfect, but she takes gymnastics very seriously and always has.

The financial situation is another thing that makes me wonder too. Nothing we can do about that. We're more on the "have nots" side of things.

 

[GymmieC]

Op, I feel for you. I hope things find a way to work out. Reaching out to friends from DD'S current gym and those friends that are still at the gyms she left are really invaluable. When talking about homeschooling and injuries etc. It's so , so nice to talk to those who understand.
I am quiet by nature, but I do go out of my way to make friends. I melt even the hardest of souls...either that or they think, " Shoot I better talk to that loon or she'll never leave me alone." Having friends at the gyms DD has been at and the gym she is now is a God sent.
Smile until you can't smile any more. Compliment until your voice goes hoarse. Trust me. I am testament that it works. To me, having my children see me as a friendly, fun loving person will push them to be the same. And in the end, that's the thought that puts me to sleep.
Staying upset, aloof, whatever anyone wants to call it will only subtract years from your life. Please let us know how it goes.

Oh another thing I push myself and DD to do is go watch her other teammates that are at different levels and gyms. As a level 9, it's about building that comraderie...I hope that's how you spell it...tired...

 

[flowerchild]

We have new parents on our team this year. I have taken it upon myself to kind of be the the organizer and everything. Snack bags for the kids after the meet, making sure we sit together and all that fun stuff.

We have a text group to organize fun stuff like the bags or what not. The new parents did not reach out at all. So we have reached out and no response. Oh well there new it may take some time

I have multiple kids in multiple activities . I have a hard enough time making sure my OWN kids are prepped, dressed, and ready for their various activities, with snacks. If someone texted me, asking me to volunteer to make snacks for my daughter's teammates - my head might explode!

 

[aksaunders]

Parental jealousy is real. And that is sad. My DD is a pretty good gymnast but we don't feel it so much at the gym because we get along really well with the other parents and DD gets along with the other girls. With our other kids though...wow. Two boys quit my son's baseball team. One of the sets of parents actually approached me and my wife to tell us that their leaving was not because of our boy. Well, their saying that to us out of the blue tells me that it was about my boy. There have been other examples but yes, it is real.

 

[blueredzone]

I have multiple kids in multiple activities . I have a hard enough time making sure my OWN kids are prepped, dressed, and ready for their various activities, with snacks. If someone texted me, asking me to volunteer to make snacks for my daughter's teammates - my head might explode!

I get it. We don't ask to make snacks. We just ask to bring something and we split it up. So the same people don't have to over extend and do it all the time.

I'm sure we all have enough time to grab fruit snacks or snack bars while we are at the grocery store.

If you don't then you have some really bad time management. Lol (not saying u just a general statement really)

Edit: and let's face it we are on a gymnastics message board... We all got the time

 

[Seeker]

Please take this for what is it -- some comic relief with a large dose of realism thrown in. PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER, PEOPLE!!

Seriously, we all need to take a step back and relax. For almost everyone here, this is an extra curricular activity. An important one, for sure. One we spend a lot of time and $$$ on, but sometimes we need to remind ourselves of why our kids do this. No one here, save a potential few, is going to the Olympics or aiming to be on National team. We need to remember that when we start hyperventilating.

My daughter is a serious student, is serious about gymnastics and a L8 gymnast (she's 11). She your typical perfectionist in that way so believe me, I understand. I think the bigger issue in many cases is that all kids are completely stressed out from life in a way that we were not when we were young. School has taken on a whole new life that imho isn't good for our kids and then when you add in gymnastics it can become untenable really quickly. Helping them learn to manage that will take them a long way and make their formative years more enjoyable.

It is okay to take a day off every now and then.

It is okay to help your kid with their homework so they get it done faster and without tears. Sometimes just sitting next to them is all the help they need.

It is okay to write Suzie's teacher a note and tell her the homework will be completed the following day (this works better at younger grades, but sometimes they assign waaaay to much in one day).

It is totally okay to tell them "let's sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow", because hormones are real and this advice holds true for other things as they get older.

They are little; let them be. Even if they're 16, they are still developing and still need us to smooth things for them sometimes. Doesn't mean we're helicopters, but it does mean that sometimes they do need us to step in and put a band-aid on what ails them. Bubble baths and conversation works for many things.

Be well and hope everyone has a great season.

 

[flowerchild]

I get it. We don't ask to make snacks. We just ask to bring something and we split it up. So the same people don't have to over extend and do it all the time.

I'm sure we all have enough time to grab fruit snacks or snack bars while we are at the grocery store.

If you don't then you have some really bad time management. Lol (not saying u just a general statement really)

Edit: and let's face it we are on a gymnastics message board... We all got the time

Oh, blueredzone, don't get your feelings hurt that I don't want to participate in the snack share!! I'll sit with you at the meet, though! Lol!

Just pointing out that a lot of people have different priorities. Also, maybe Susie has a peanut allergy and can't eat most snack bars, so Mom always packs a snack for Susie, KWIM? I'm glad it works for you at your gym ( except for the new parents).


But frankly, I'm glad I haven't been asked to bring a snack to share since my DD was in pre-school! ( other than various sports/gym related parties, of course!)

 

[B.Gold]

Edit: and let's face it we are on a gymnastics message board... We all got the time

Oh... This made me lol!!

My thought on this family that you've reached out to... I fantasize, that if I had a "do-over" starting over at a gym, I'd drop at the door, pick up at the door, and hide myself at meets.
I'm kind and social, but I have unwittingly walked face first into drama at the gym that I have never experienced in any other areas of my life. In fact, I joke with my DH that I have PTSD from it.... If we had this to do all over again, I'd do it so differently.
Maybe this family is exercising that right of a "do-over".

 

[dbean]

I cannot speak for other gym's or even other team levels at our gym but our Gold team is huge and the ages vary greatly, yet all the parents seem to get along well. Some are more quiet than others, some are more outgoing, some hang out more but we try to have Saturday adhoc eat outs after practice. Many of us hang out together in and outside of the gym. I think at times a parent does get competitive (my dd is better than yours) but it is minimal. We all cheer all the kids on, the kids cheer for each other, the gym has worked hard to make it fun and a family affair (within reason). We enjoy each other as do the kids. There is no drama that I know of. I am sure there are some backdoor she said drama but it seems to be kept out of the gym so that is good. There is a lot of openness and communication between the parents for support and friendship. As our DD's have progressed less parents hang out at the gym because of the length of practice but many of us got to bond enough between bronze and silver that our friendships haven't changed much.