WAG Issue with "Name"

[Jenny]

Ok, that makes sense about the name reminding her of bad times with old coach. Very sorry to hear that. I agree with others who suggest just asking her current coach in a pleasant way, something like, "Hi, Coach, I have a seemingly small but really important personal favor. Could you please make an effort to always call my daughter 'Sue' instead of 'Susie'? I won't bore you with details, but it is pointedly important to her not to be called 'Susie', but she is hesitant to tell you this directly or remind you. If there's anything I can do to help you remember, let me know. I know it seems minor, and there are a lot of Susie's, but there's a lot behind this and it's important to her. I really appreciate it!"

...

Great idea. It is possible that the coach likes the longer version of her name and enjoys using it. Just be straight up. I would say to the coach why as well. They will probably be horrified to think they had upset her in any way.

I constantly call kids the wrong name or sibling name. I tell them they must correct me every time. I make an effort to call younger children by the name their parents prefer and older children by the name they prefer.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

Great idea. It is possible that the coach likes the longer version of her name and enjoys using it.

I was thinking the same thing. I have sometimes had gymnasts who had lovely and long princess names that I absolutely adored and even if everyone seemed to call these girls using not-so-pretty nicknames I called them using the longer version. Of course I wouldn't continue if the kid asked me to use the nick name and it was appropriate and not silly.

I would ask your daughter to tell the coach she would like to be called Alex instead of Alexandra and go from there. I think your daughter is old enough to correct her by herself.

 

[my4buffaloes]

It might be time to open up about the old coach and the bad memories. While reiterating her correct name and that that is to be used. Some people are real sticklers for proper etiquette and really just hate nicknames. But in your case it sounds like coach shouldn't even know that that is her real name, so why would there be a problem?

That has to be hard. My son has a very uncommon first name (family name) but he goes by a very common nickname that is a version of his real name. In our case I think he likes his real first name so it doesn't bother him. But if it did and someone insisted on calling him that I would say something.

 

[Lynn]

Thank you ALL so much! I believe a great deal of it is that the former coach (mean one) openly refused and it does bring back bad memories. I feel it as a respect thing also. Slightly different comparison but when introduced to DD friends, I always tell them instead of calling me Mrs So and So, you may call me Lynn. I'm fine with not being called Mrs.

Our new gym does a monthly parent update. Team parents have a half hr sit down with the coaches (and gym owner)who come in direct contact of our gymnast. Discuss progress and upcoming team events. Questions and concerns. I'm considering bringing it up at that point.

Again, thank you all for "talking" me thru an issue that isn't so much gymnastics related as it is respect for a gymnast. I truly appreciate what everyone has offered and especially the fact that you didn't make me feel like I was crazy for bringing this to the table here on Chalkbucket!

 

[COz]

I have a name that has a common contraction. I *hate* it when someone abbreviates my name, but it's someone I have little to do with I normally grin and bear it rather than correcting them. I'm normally too uncomfortable to correct them. I should practice just saying "Sorry, but I a Xxxxxx not a Xxx" (should that be 'an X'?)

Strangely, anyone over the age of 55 with a British accent may call me by the contraction. I don't mind. No, I don't know why this doesn't bother me.

 

[OzZee]

I'd mention it whenever you can the soonest. It doesn't have to be a big deal (unless it's completely not followed through) but it's a real bug bear of mine people not listening to others names and calling them by something else so it bothers me a lot, lol. Hopefully it's just a mistake from the coach and he/she will correct.
So just a my dd likes to be called by xx and she gets upset if called by xxxxx, would be enough I hope.

COz - you have me intrigued. Is it an old english name? A foreign name that sounds nice with a classic British accent? Please pm me if you care to share, I'd love to know.

 

[Freckles]

DD has a hyphenated name. She likes to be called her full name, or by her initials, but does not like to be called by just the first part. She will politely correct anyone who just calls her just by the first half. "My name is ****-**** or you can call me ****."

 

[Muddlethru]

Your daughter is in an annoying, distracting situation. Don't hesitate to speak with someone either HC or coach her/himself to remedy the situation. It has to be remedied because of the negative impact it has on your daughter.

I had a nickname growing up that was very close to a racial slur in the US. Having moved to the US over 3 decades ago, I've since dropped it. The inception of facebook brought me back in touch with elementary and high school friends. All my friends but a handful, still refer to me as my childhood nickname. One in particular has even further shortened my nickname to the exact racial slur. I know she means nothing by it and is actually using it as a term of endearment. But I cringe and despise it every time she calls me that. It is amazing how 99% of my elementary and high school friends have picked up on what to call me just based on what name I have on my profile. It is a matter of respect and shows someone cares.

 

[raenndrops]

That is very odd.

However, you said that your dd doesn't bring it up to the coach. Is it possible coach is just forgetting and not doing it on purpose? Has this coach (not old coach) said that s/he refuses to call your child by her preferred name?

My legal name is actually a commonly used shortened version of another name. I have several friends with similar situations (for example, given name is actually Alex, not Alexander). As a child, adults often assumed my given name was a longer version of my name and that my actual name was a nickname. These adults would sometimes call me by the longer version because they assumed it was my given name, even though it was not. These adults would often also express disbelief that my given name was actually my given name. My friends also often experienced the same thing.

As an adult, I have never had anyone call me any thing other than what I introduce myself as.

My cousin has always had a similar problem... His first name is Eddie... Not Edward or Ed or Eduardo or any other such name! It was especially bad when he went into the army and they asked for his name... He got yelled at for not telling the Drill Sergeant his "GIVEN" name. Poor Eddie, lol.

I agree that the coach using the wrong name should be talked to first. There could be a lot of reasons behind the "name game" and it won't be corrected if SOMEONE doesn't speak up.

My OG got good at an early age correcting people... there are 2 ways to pronounce her name (with an "ah" like in Tom or an "a" like in apple). She is an "a". When we started at the gym, there was a team girl with the same name, spelled a little differently, and pronounced with an "ah". Therefore, coaches would mess up - and OG would correct them. Finally, she just shortened her name to leave out the troublesome syllable

Good luck with this!

 

[Dr Maleficent]

COz - you have me intrigued. Is it an old english name? A foreign name that sounds nice with a classic British accent? Please pm me if you care to share, I'd love to know.

All names sound good with a classic British accent!

 

[aerialriver]

Maybe I am way over simplifying it but why doesn't your daughter just ask the coach to talk for a min. and politely say "I'd really prefer you call me _____, I have personal reasons for it but I don't like being called by my full name." If it doesn't work then you can get involved. Maybe the new coach just doesn't know and isn't the ignorant jerk everyone is painting them to be like the last coach.

As a coach sometimes we have 5 different Kaitlin's on a team and this one goes by Kate, and this one goes by Katie, and this one goes by Kaitlin and this one goes by Kaitlin Ann, and this one goes by Joe. Sometimes it is just hard to keep straight. Also a lot of times the real name is what we see when we take attendance. We have one kid named Maya who goes by "Tootie" of all things. Where you get Tootie out of Maya I have no clue and I wouldn't know other than having been told.

 

[munchkin3]

Not all adults believe in 'RESPECTING' children.

I have a very ugly name, but my nickname is tolerable. I would FLIP if someone consistently used my real name against my will, and to me, means a power trip. If the coach REALLY does not intend to do this, a simple quick chat should remedy the situation. If it continues to happen, then there is another reason.

One of our coaches made up names for ALL our girls....the girls LOVE their nicknames.

 

[MILgymFAM]

My DD uses a shortened version of her name, and has had both teachers and coaches insist upon calling her neither her full name nor the shortened version she uses, but rather a different nickname altogether. Often, because she is a people pleaser, she doesn't want to correct them more than once. I have had to tell her it's not rude to be firm about your name being said correctly. I have an odd name, so I understand the frustration of being called the wrong name all the time. With one coach I had to pull him aside and just tell him not to call her that anymore. He actually apologized and said it was habit from someone he knew who shared her name, but used the other nickname. It took a couple weeks but he fixed himself. I think being blunt with the coach is the best bet.

 

[bookworm]

I was under the impression that the OP's daughter was registered at the gym with her nickname that she uses and that the particular coach had decided to call her the other name (that isn't listed anywhere in her paperwork) all on his/her own...

I can see where a 12 yr old would be hesitant to speak up because she wants to be seen as the good girl, and heck, doesn't the coach hear all the other kids calling her the correct name?

 

[Ali'sMom]

My daughter sometimes goes by a shortened name of her birth name. I call her that, some others call her that, not 100% of the time.
I did find it interesting one day that a coach called her that. So I asked if she told the coach (I don't use it when discussing her to coaches, as she doesn't use it "all" the time). She said that no, the coach called her it by accident, then asked her if it was okay. I was impressed that coach made sure it was okay.

For a coach to flat-out refuse to call a child the name that they answer to, I just totally don't get.

I would bring it up at the update, real casually, see how it's taken, and then even go on to explain why it bothers DD.

 

[SurpriseGymMom]

I'm sorry your DD is put in an uncomfortable situation.
As a coach, I always try to make sure I get the girls names right, including what they WANT to be called. I have a few girls who are OK with either nicknames or their given name, and a few who have told me they prefer one of the two. I really try to remember what they want.
I have a difficult name myself.... Not an unusual one, but one that can be spelled and pronounced differently depending on language origin. Mine happens to be spelled correctly for the part of the world I grew up in, but it means over here people will almost automatically pronounce it the wrong way. I like it when people ask, but don't generally make a big deal out of it when they do it wrong (without asking) . Generally after a while they will inevitable hear someone else pronounce it "right" and be apologetic about having called me the wrong name..! To me, it's not a huge deal BUT I don't have any negative connotations about either pronunciation AND I grew up with an incredibly difficult last name (and have an apparently tricky one now!) so anything even resembling my name is ok, LOL!

 

[skschlag]

I'm sorry your DD is put in an uncomfortable situation.
As a coach, I always try to make sure I get the girls names right, including what they WANT to be called. I have a few girls who are OK with either nicknames or their given name, and a few who have told me they prefer one of the two. I really try to remember what they want.
I have a difficult name myself.... Not an unusual one, but one that can be spelled and pronounced differently depending on language origin. Mine happens to be spelled correctly for the part of the world I grew up in, but it means over here people will almost automatically pronounce it the wrong way. I like it when people ask, but don't generally make a big deal out of it when they do it wrong (without asking) . Generally after a while they will inevitable hear someone else pronounce it "right" and be apologetic about having called me the wrong name..! To me, it's not a huge deal BUT I don't have any negative connotations about either pronunciation AND I grew up with an incredibly difficult last name (and have an apparently tricky one now!) so anything even resembling my name is ok, LOL!

I had to chuckle at this. Most people, when presented with just the written form of my full name, just look at it, slack-jawed, and kind of go..'Umm, ummm'. I know then to just answer with the name!

 

[Lynn]

I was under the impression that the OP's daughter was registered at the gym with her nickname that she uses and that the particular coach had decided to call her the other name (that isn't listed anywhere in her paperwork) all on his/her own...

I can see where a 12 yr old would be hesitant to speak up because she wants to be seen as the good girl, and heck, doesn't the coach hear all the other kids calling her the correct name?

You are correct. Nothing in connection to our new gym has her birth name on. Team jacket was ordered with the name she would rather be called. And this coach is in charge of uniform ordering.

 

[Dr Maleficent]

Then this is particularly strange, and you should definitely bring it up with the coach, since, as far as they know, they are not using her birth name (as most would assume this is what is going on the team jacket/ is on the gym forms). I understand a little about unpleasant associations with names - much more minor, but if someone uses my full first name I flash back to being told off, as from the age of 13 it was the only time it was used when I was growing up!

 

[sce]

We can all assume and talk about why the coach is doing this. Just ask! In a non threatening, non judgmental way just walk up to that particular coach and point blank ask. Maybe they do it for their own reason and don't realize they are hurting the child. Skip owner and HC for now, save that for later;if the other name eating coach hasn't realized their mistake.

I agree. Talk to the coach.