WAG Issue with "Name"

[Lynn]

This is the internet and you are asking for replies, perhaps this thread should be in the parent forum. But it is not, so here goes...
It's only significant if you allow it to be.... But here is my point, if I had a similar situation It would be my goal as a parent to NOT let the old coach have any kind of lasting effect on my child, particularly my childs name. It is up to you to get her through that and maybe this is a great opportunity for her to do it. Are you really going to let her go through her life not liking her name because of a coach??? No (I hope). In the mean time the new coach has no idea what is going on because you have not communicate with her/him..... So when I say things are insignificant I do not speak of the actual actions of the old coach, I speak of what I think a parents actions should be to strengthen the child. Simply put, in the end your child should not feel anxiety when a person refers to her in her real name..... You have to help her through that and this may be a perfect opportunity to do it...
Hope that makes a little more sense

There are many things I could/should say in response to this. But I'm not here to take this is a direction where my parenting is being questioned. BUT...I will say this.

If I introduced YOU to my daughter by her birth then said " but she would rather be called xxx" and a month later we pass you in the grocery store and you call her by her birth name, she would be fine with it. No feelings whatsoever. It happens all the time. It's inside the gym that causes her anxiety. I will not go too far with details about previous coach because I can guarantee you that one thing said and all she came into contact with would know and for all I know she could be on here. And lord knows that is a can of worms NOBODY wants opened again!

Yes, I did ask for help and guidance. And yes, maybe this should go to the parent forum. I placed it here as I was looking for a coach to chime in and say why one would make the call to call my daughter by another name than what she walked into the gym as. I wanted parents perspective as well. I have gotten a great deal of thoughts on the subject. Will the coach be talked to about this, yes absolutely.

I really do appreciate and listen to all said, but when it comes to questioning my parenting skills then it becomes a different class of listening for me. And yes, I do understand this is the internet and an open forum of people who know very little about me, my daughter and our life in the gymnastics world. That is why I felt that my question was somewhat generalized and straight to the point.

 

[Lynn]

Not sure how my last post fell into the quote box. My reply comment begins after " Hope that makes a little more sense"

 

[Pirouette]

It's so odd that the coach continues to call her by a name that absolutely no one else in that gym calls her. Odd and rude.

When you approach the coach, will you do so with or without your daughter in attendance? My girls are almost-13 and 11, and I work with older dd on role playing these type of interactions, then we go together to approach the person (if it's an adult). She gets to watch me talk with the person, then we discuss it after, so she can put the experience into her toolbox for future use. Younger dd is not yet mature enough to handle being part of the interaction - she would cry. S0 we just role play scenarios at this point.

Best of luck as you work on solving this problem! You've given us all some good food for thought on how we treat others as well as what we would do in a similar situation.

 

[Sasha]

This coach took it upon themselves to decide what to call her. Her birth name has never been said inside the gym except by this coach. And knowing how my DD feels being called that in the gym, she definitely wouldn't have said it.

Right, though I think you said it was a common name, yes? So the coach could have easily and innocently assumed her name was "Madison" when she was introduced as "Maddie", for example, even if the coach never saw this printed somewhere. And therefore "remembered" her as "Madison" (instead of Maddie) and keeps calling her that, innocently.

I can see myself meeting someone who was introduced as "Dave", but later calling him "David" just out of my own imperfect recollection, not because I saw the name "David" on an official form or anything.

It would be different if her formal name was something like "Esmerelda" and she was introduced as "Emma", as that would be a stretch of an assumption from the coach...

I really think this is innocent and a simple polite conversation is all that is needed. I hope so anyway!

 

[Lynn]

Oh for sure it will be a polite conversation. I don't feel it's a going in guns a blazing type thing. Actually, I don't feel too many things are as often it accomplishes very little.

It boils down to a couple things. Respect being a big thing on top of a past encounter with a "coach". It's just a very odd thing when nobody in the coach's presence calls her this but the coach. It doesn't make her work any less on the event that is coached, just makes it more of a struggle.

This coach only coaches optional girls. Has no interaction with any other girls. So there's very little room for confusing her with others.

It's just weird!

 

[Orangesoda]

You've gotten lots of great insight. I'll just quickly add that in my life, when there is uncertainty, I've found it is usually unhelpful to try to assign motive to a person's actions. Period.

If I were you I'd be straightforward and ask the coach one simple question. "Do you know that Susie prefers not to be called Suzanna?"

Let the coach do the explaining.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Your parenting isn't being questioned,,, This is what you asked....
"Coaches, what would be the reason you would go against this or maybe not against but what would be a reason to not use her name correctly? For the record, her paperwork all states the name she wishes to be called by and not her birth name. To be honest, they really have never heard her called anything else. Parents, what's a good way to help explain this to your gymnast?"

I replied.... Next time you want people to only agree with you, say so....

 

[sce]

My DD is kind of funny about her name. At home she goes by her full name and a shortened version of it, Maddy. When she turned 6, I noticed she would tell some people to just call her by her first name and didn't mind if others called her by her shortened name. There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it until I figured out the connection. She noticed when people start out calling her by Maddy and not her full name, often they don't associate the right full name with it and call her one of the other common full names from that nickname. however, if she knows you know which full name goes with her nickname, she has no problem if you call her by the nickname.

That's great. Sounds like a confident kid.

 

[sce]

I can see myself meeting someone who was introduced as "Dave", but later calling him "David" just out of my own imperfect recollection, not because I saw the name "David" on an official form or anything.


I really think this is innocent and a simple polite conversation is all that is needed. I hope so anyway!

I agree with this. Because of the prior situation this is being blown up bigger than it probably is. I've worked with kids in lots of situations. Names get confused. The coach may not even realize he/she is doing this because no one has corrected him/her. My son ha a name people mess up - it's a biblical name, so he gets called other biblical names. No offense taken, we just correct them.

Now I do also agree that your daughter needs help workig through

 

[Lynn]

Coachp...

We are obviously not understanding each other...and that's the way of the world. It's ok to agree to disagree. If somewhere along the line it was implied I only wanted everyone to agree with me, it wasn't intentional. Just as if you weren't questioning my parenting skills, that's the way I perceived it. Right or wrong that's how I looked at it.

When I relate this to the outside world where there has been a traumatic incident, if something reminds you of this, you may panic, have anxiety. This is exactly what happens INSIDE the gym. And like I said, if you meet my daughter for the very first time, and she is introduced by her given name and later you see her and call her that, no negative feelings whatsoever. Again, happens all the time. We registered her specifically without the name to try to avoid this issue.

Maybe this will make why I asked this a little more crystal clear...abusive coach in every facet of the word. Sports therapist required for 15 girls. Half quit the sport other half still dealing. Coach fired and banned for a period of time for coaching. Don't know if the gymnastics world banned her or not but she is not permitted to apply for coaching for a certain period of time! This among deeper reasons is why this makes her react the way she does!

 

[Lynn]

You've gotten lots of great insight. I'll just quickly add that in my life, when there is uncertainty, I've found it is usually unhelpful to try to assign motive to a person's actions. Period.

If I were you I'd be straightforward and ask the coach one simple question. "Do you know that Susie prefers not to be called Suzanna?"

Let the coach do the explaining.

Agree! This is the plan at parent update.

 

[gymdog]

Coachp...

We are obviously not understanding each other...and that's the way of the world. It's ok to agree to disagree. If somewhere along the line it was implied I only wanted everyone to agree with me, it wasn't intentional. Just as if you weren't questioning my parenting skills, that's the way I perceived it. Right or wrong that's how I looked at it.

When I relate this to the outside world where there has been a traumatic incident, if something reminds you of this, you may panic, have anxiety. This is exactly what happens INSIDE the gym. And like I said, if you meet my daughter for the very first time, and she is introduced by her given name and later you see her and call her that, no negative feelings whatsoever. Again, happens all the time. We registered her specifically without the name to try to avoid this issue.

Maybe this will make why I asked this a little more crystal clear...abusive coach in every facet of the word. Sports therapist required for 15 girls. Half quit the sport other half still dealing. Coach fired and banned for a period of time for coaching. Don't know if the gymnastics world banned her or not but she is not permitted to apply for coaching for a certain period of time! This among deeper reasons is why this makes her react the way she does!

Okay, but, we're talking about another coach right now who might not know all this. In fact you didn't post these details here until several pages in, so you can see why some things may have been unclear. It sounds like you haven't had any discussion with the new coach about this name issue, so maybe the coach also needs clarification.

I think there is no problem with making it clear to the coach what name is to be used, and I think you should do this ASAP. But your daughter may also be able to rebound from this in any context, including gymnastics, and try to correct the coach herself. I understand coachp's side too because I get the kids name wrong half the time just because I'm trying to talk to five kids at once while flipping another kid around and counting for yet another. I'm 100% sure they don't really care. But if you haven't established a relationship with a new gymnast, that's a little different. I would try to be more careful. I'm just saying there's a good chance the coach is using the wrong name due to confusion. If so, hopefully the coach and your daughter can work out a system of gentle reminders, or some other agreement.

 

[Lynn]

Gymdog

I agree totally with you. When I initially asked the question, I had NO intention of bringing this matter to the table. So in my OP I "thought" I generalized it.

I have my parent update next Fri and gym owner is aware that I would like to discuss more at this meeting than usual so he has placed us in an hr time slot.

You are right 100% that we have not mentioned anything regarding this, at this point, because I never would have guessed that someone registered as "Joe" wouldn't be called that but called "Joseph". We did it for a reason. Starting fresh. New job, new state, new school, new home and new gym. Putting the past in the past kind of thing. Although we couldn't change it and it won't ever be forgotten, we had hoped not to drag it with us.

You made a comment about multi-tasking with the kids ( sorry phone won't let me quote this morning ) and that makes total sense. That's a little different to me simply because you are working with multiple girls while flipping another. And I would say if you were talking to Bella but called her Susie, it wouldn't bother them at all...but you called them by their names just happened to say to the opposite girl ( if I understood your comment correctly).

I don't totally disagree with what coachp said, it was more of the perception of the whole statement. I have and will move heaven and earth to repair this damage. My daughter really isn't shy or afraid to speak up. She craves knowledge and even when a coach gives no correction, she asks what she could do to make it better and so on. So talking to a coach is no problem for her. Until it comes to this and she crawls into her shell and pushes on as best she can. Now she doesn't always come home upset, she has been taught coping skills for the "gym anxiety" but sometimes it's too much. Wish her anxiety was only regarding "losing" her giants after witnessing a fall...but she got those back quickly. Totally different ( and to me, a fear that's logical for a gymnast )

Thank you for your feedback. As I've said, I really do appreciate it ALL. It was mentioned in a previous reply, a great deal of food for thought has been stated here.

 

[wallflower]

The thing that strikes me as odd is why you haven't already addressed this with the coach. I'm 99% positive it's an accident. Pick up the phone, send an email or walk up to the coach and just say hey my daughter's name is Jen, not Jennifer. And then be prepared that they may need to be reminded many times. I have to be reminded a lot. I'm not good with names. I instruct the kids to correct me respectfully and politely. I'll get it eventually.

I find your daughter's desire to be called a certain name perfectly reasonable. But I find the big deal you are making out of it kind of silly. If you haven't corrected the coach, then don't assume they know better and are being rude or having some ill intent. If I parent came to me and was having all this inner drama over me calling their Jen by Jennifer, I'd think they were crazy. Um, why didn't you just tell me?? Honest mistake. No need to stress over something you as a parent could have easily corrected sooner. So correct the coach! ASAP. I'd do it before my kid returned to practice. It will take 1 minute.

 

[sce]

The thing that strikes me as odd is why you haven't already addressed this with the coach. I'm 99% positive it's an accident. Pick up the phone, send an email or walk up to the coach and just say hey my daughter's name is Jen, not Jennifer. And then be prepared that they may need to be reminded many times. I have to be reminded a lot. I'm not good with names. I instruct the kids to correct me respectfully and politely. I'll get it eventually.

I find your daughter's desire to be called a certain name perfectly reasonable. But I find the big deal you are making out of it kind of silly. If you haven't corrected the coach, then don't assume they know better and are being rude or having some ill intent. If I parent came to me and was having all this inner drama over me calling their Jen by Jennifer, I'd think they were crazy. Um, why didn't you just tell me?? Honest mistake. No need to stress over something you as a parent could have easily corrected sooner. So correct the coach! ASAP. I'd do it before my kid returned to practice. It will take 1 minute.

I agree with this. I don't think it needs to wait for the conference. This new coach has no idea of what happened with the old coach. There was a mistake made that was not corrected, so the coach doesn't know it's the wrong name! Anxiety is building and it's unfair to the coach. No need to even explain why it's so upsetting, just ask eh caoch to call her YY instead of YYZ.

My earlier post got cut-off. Along with correcting the name issue with the coach talk to your daughter. Help her get some perspective. In this situation the caoch probably just made a mistake and since no one has said anything, doesn't know it's incorrect. Yes the past situation was awful, but coloring future experiences with it is not healthy.

 

[gymdog]

You made a comment about multi-tasking with the kids ( sorry phone won't let me quote this morning ) and that makes total sense. That's a little different to me simply because you are working with multiple girls while flipping another. And I would say if you were talking to Bella but called her Susie, it wouldn't bother them at all...but you called them by their names just happened to say to the opposite girl ( if I understood your comment correctly).

Yes, mostly, although in one group I have three names with the same prefix. Some are nicknames and some are full names, so sometimes I call the full name a nickname when I'm rushing.

 

[CoachMeg]

Yeah, I totally understand why she prefers to be called her nickname and I agree that I think the new coach is doing it harmlessly....but if it's THAT big of an issue...why has it not been addressed already? If being in a gymnastics environment and hearing her birth name causes her that much stress and anxiety, why are you simply posting on the internet and not talking to the coach first? (If you had spoken to the coach and it had not stopped, that'd be a different story.)

It sounds like you've been at this new gym for at least a couple of weeks...I would have spoken up about the name situation after the first practice if it was this big of an issue. I understand you have a meeting next week but it doesn't take an hour meeting to say, "Hey, can you call my daughter Liz instead of Elizabeth?". You don't have to elaborate on why unless you feel necessary. But as a coach myself I'll sometimes call a gymnast by a nickname I've made up just because it's easier and faster (for example, I have a girl named Katherine and I call her Kath). If her parent for any reason came up to me and said "Can you please call her Katherine instead of Kath?" I would, no questions asked. We can speculate all we want and form opinions and theories about why this is going on but unless you just ASK, you're never going to solve anything. I know if Katherine was uncomfortable about me calling her Kath but never spoke up about it or her mom never said anything to me about it, I would continue calling her that unknowingly.

You make it sound like you skipped town and completely started your life over because of your horrible experience with this previous coach....so if the new coach triggered a negative emotion in your gymnast WHY is it taking you so long to address it? I mean if you went to such extremes to get her out of her previous situation, why are you still letting this go on? If she's coming home upset with anxiety and it's affecting her work ethic or mentality....FIX IT. This entire situation could be avoided or handled with one simple sentence.

 

[Lynn]

Yeah, I totally understand why she prefers to be called her nickname and I agree that I think the new coach is doing it harmlessly....but if it's THAT big of an issue...why has it not been addressed already? If being in a gymnastics environment and hearing her birth name causes her that much stress and anxiety, why are you simply posting on the internet and not talking to the coach first? (If you had spoken to the coach and it had not stopped, that'd be a different story.)

It sounds like you've been at this new gym for at least a couple of weeks...I would have spoken up about the name situation after the first practice if it was this big of an issue. I understand you have a meeting next week but it doesn't take an hour meeting to say, "Hey, can you call my daughter Liz instead of Elizabeth?". You don't have to elaborate on why unless you feel necessary. But as a coach myself I'll sometimes call a gymnast by a nickname I've made up just because it's easier and faster (for example, I have a girl named Katherine and I call her Kath). If her parent for any reason came up to me and said "Can you please call her Katherine instead of Kath?" I would, no questions asked. We can speculate all we want and form opinions and theories about why this is going on but unless you just ASK, you're never going to solve anything. I know if Katherine was uncomfortable about me calling her Kath but never spoke up about it or her mom never said anything to me about it, I would continue calling her that unknowingly.

You make it sound like you skipped town and completely started your life over because of your horrible experience with this previous coach....so if the new coach triggered a negative emotion in your gymnast WHY is it taking you so long to address it? I mean if you went to such extremes to get her out of her previous situation, why are you still letting this go on? If she's coming home upset with anxiety and it's affecting her work ethic or mentality....FIX IT. This entire situation could be avoided or handled with one
simple sentence.

We moved with a job transfer..nothing to do with this situation at all. I apologize for not stating that before as I forgot I wasn't talking to the same folks who knew we moved. Another thread.

I don't disagree with any of you who say it can be fixed with one sentence, one minute, one phone call, one email. Coach does not return calls, coach has no email address ( or if they do, it's not published to parents) and is not available outside of the monthly meeting. Still finding this to be weird but the veteran parents say it has always been that way and the system for this coach works. They have accepted it as the norm so I am learning that route.

I posted here because Chalkbucket is a wealth of knowledge and I knew I could get quicker guidance and insight than I would be able to with this coach. I'm more prepared now to head into my update than I would have been had I not asked.

My daughter and 14 of her teammates were traumatized by coach "M". Every single child handles trauma different. Mine just happens to have issue with hearing her name said by a coach. Nowhere else in her life does it bother her to be called XXX! It's not really that it has "taken this long to address". DD visits with a sports therapist regularly and I was told to let daughter come to me before I "made a big deal" out of this. We aren't just talking about a "mean rude coach" here. As I stated in a previous post, this coach was abusive in every single facet of that word!! Believe me, I would not wish this upon any child...EVER!

Again, I say thank you for the feedback. It's hard filling in all the blanks on an Internet forum and assumptions are made, perception from one person to another can be about as far off as you can get. Which is why I THOUGHT my question seemed pretty general. For the coaches, what would make you do this? Maybe "make" isn't exactly the right word. And for the parents, how would you explain to your child? See what I could learn about that maybe I wasn't already doing.

 

[Lynn]

Also, we have been at our new gym since mid to late August so no monthly update that month. For Sept this coach was not in attendance at update and you have a few other coaches who speak and review along with gym owner as we found at our first update. Gym owner has allotted us an hour so we can fully discuss my daughters progress and this subject. Will it take an hour? Absolutely not. But I fully appreciate the gym owner giving us the time needed to talk regardless if it needs 1minute or 30. And it might just have been easier to block out an hr instead of 45 minutes. Who knows. Either way, the time has been made available.

 

[z2akids]

I don't think anything is making this coach call her by the same name as the abusive coach. Most likely the first time the coach heard you're dd's name he thought of the longer version - honestly he probably had someone in his life that he cares about with the same name and it is natural to use it. Since he hasn't been corrected, he continues to use the name. Nothing malicious. Nothing abusive. Simply a mistake at the start of they're relationship that has not been corrected.

Honestly it seems extreme to need to extend a meeting to an hour in order to deal with it. If your DD is too anxious to say something herself, then just grab the coach for 30 seconds and tell him at the next practice. I know there has been a terrible experience that is the trigger, but this didn't need a formal meeting. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it may be for him to immediately remember to use her correct name.

If, after asking him, he continues to use the incorrect name, then a meeting is in order.