WAG Issue with "Name"

[sce]

I understand why this is upsetting to your daughter. I also think thought that it's getting bigger than it needs to be and she is not learning how to move past the prior experience. I too agree it's not meeting worthy. I understand if you want an extended meeting if you plan to explain about the past experiences. The name thing should be corrected much more quickly though.

 

[Lynn]

I don't think anything is making this coach call her by the same name as the abusive coach. Most likely the first time the coach heard you're dd's name he thought of the longer version - honestly he probably had someone in his life that he cares about with the same name and it is natural to use it. Since he hasn't been corrected, he continues to use the name. Nothing malicious. Nothing abusive. Simply a mistake at the start of they're relationship that has not been corrected.

Honestly it seems extreme to need to extend a meeting to an hour in order to deal with it. If your DD is too anxious to say something herself, then just grab the coach for 30 seconds and tell him at the next practice. I know there has been a terrible experience that is the trigger, but this didn't need a formal meeting. The longer it goes on, the more difficult it may be for him to immediately remember to use her correct name.

If, after asking him, he continues to use the incorrect name, then a
meeting is in order.

There is never a moment to grab the coach at the end of practice. Some parents tell me they have only spoken to this coach 12 times. Once a month for a year. We as team parents have these meetings as to avoid needing formal meetings called. I like the idea, I like it a lot!

I know it's not going to take that whole other half hr they've set aside. And I feel fairly confident that it will be handled. I didn't get to meet this coach when we were visiting gyms. So I have yet to have any interaction. Fri will be a first.

 

[wallflower]

Yeah, I totally understand why she prefers to be called her nickname and I agree that I think the new coach is doing it harmlessly....but if it's THAT big of an issue...why has it not been addressed already? If being in a gymnastics environment and hearing her birth name causes her that much stress and anxiety, why are you simply posting on the internet and not talking to the coach first? (If you had spoken to the coach and it had not stopped, that'd be a different story.)

It sounds like you've been at this new gym for at least a couple of weeks...I would have spoken up about the name situation after the first practice if it was this big of an issue. I understand you have a meeting next week but it doesn't take an hour meeting to say, "Hey, can you call my daughter Liz instead of Elizabeth?". You don't have to elaborate on why unless you feel necessary. But as a coach myself I'll sometimes call a gymnast by a nickname I've made up just because it's easier and faster (for example, I have a girl named Katherine and I call her Kath). If her parent for any reason came up to me and said "Can you please call her Katherine instead of Kath?" I would, no questions asked. We can speculate all we want and form opinions and theories about why this is going on but unless you just ASK, you're never going to solve anything. I know if Katherine was uncomfortable about me calling her Kath but never spoke up about it or her mom never said anything to me about it, I would continue calling her that unknowingly.

You make it sound like you skipped town and completely started your life over because of your horrible experience with this previous coach....so if the new coach triggered a negative emotion in your gymnast WHY is it taking you so long to address it? I mean if you went to such extremes to get her out of her previous situation, why are you still letting this go on? If she's coming home upset with anxiety and it's affecting her work ethic or mentality....FIX IT. This entire situation could be avoided or handled with one simple sentence.

You said it better than me!

 

[wallflower]

I get that coaches are hard to reach, BUT you aren't talking about a question about gymnastics or general chatting. If your child had an injury in August would you have to wait until the monthly meeting to discuss it? Of course not! Immediate concerns need to be addressed immediately. There has to be a method of communication in place for these types of things. I would never let my kid suffer from mid August to November with something that was really bothering her. Even if I felt bad about going to the front desk and saying "I absolutely have to speak to her coach today", I'd do it. Or I'd have my child write a simple note that tells the coach what she wants to be called or I'd have her tell her teammate to please tell the coach (my DD is super shy). Whatever it took to fix the problem.

 

[Muddlethru]

Coming from a different angle on this discussion. I have trouble remembering names, more than even the most forgetful person you know. Names just don't stick. And I've also stuck a name to the wrong person and then have grave trouble getting unstuck. I don't remember 95% of the parents in my children's teams, school, friends, etc. I've offended many many parents (even friends believe it or not and relatives). My husband has 10 cousins he is close to that we see 2 or 3 times a year . I've known them for 23 years now and it was only this year that I was able to address them correctly. I am certain I have some kind of cognitive memory disorder. So not all acts that appear disrespectful or inconsiderate are intentional or malicious.

If all else fails in getting the coach to call your daughter by her first name, perhaps explaining to your daughter of a potential disability may make your daughter more sympathetic and not resentful.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I imagine that hearing her full name in this instance is just too soon, and hitting too close to home because of the environment. it takes time to get over things, or to move past them. She will eventually, but for now you need to step in. I am sure they will take you seriously at your meeting.

 

[Deleted member 14190]

Coming from a different angle on this discussion. I have trouble remembering names, more than even the most forgetful person you know. Names just don't stick. And I've also stuck a name to the wrong person and then have grave trouble getting unstuck. I don't remember 95% of the parents in my children's teams, school, friends, etc. I've offended many many parents (even friends believe it or not and relatives). My husband has 10 cousins he is close to that we see 2 or 3 times a year . I've known them for 23 years now and it was only this year that I was able to address them correctly. I am certain I have some kind of cognitive memory disorder. So not all acts that appear disrespectful or inconsiderate are intentional or malicious.

If all else fails in getting the coach to call your daughter by her first name, perhaps explaining to your daughter of a potential disability may make your daughter more sympathetic and not resentful.

Glad I am not the only one with this problem!

 

[Ponyshine]

When I was learning to become a coach, I had to complete a 'Child protection' course which applied to many different sports. I can't remember the reason for it, but what I do seem to remember is that the lecturer said NEVER call your athlete by a nickname, even if that's what they prefer. This is in the UK and so it may be different in other countries.

 

[sce]

When I was learning to become a coach, I had to complete a 'Child protection' course which applied to many different sports. I can't remember the reason for it, but what I do seem to remember is that the lecturer said NEVER call your athlete by a nickname, even if that's what they prefer. This is in the UK and so it may be different in other countries.

That is interesting. I sort of get the purpose but I think it's extreme. Kids spend a lot of time with coaches and teammates, nicknames can become a part of the team experience. My ds has a nickname at the gym, (shortened version of his name) we don't use it but his coach and teammates do. It's become part of his gym persona. As well, some kids prefer a nickname to their given name. My brother was intentionally called by a shortened version of his middle name, from birth it's just how my parents panned his name. This standard of never calling a kid by their nickname would mean a coach would call him a name that his parents did not. Sort of missing the point of the standard. Also, in the original instance the child was registered at the gym with the nickname only. The caoch has now way of knowing if the child's full name is something different. For example, someone might be named Lilly, or it could be a shortening of Lillian but if they are registered as Lilly then that should not be considered a nickname.

 

[gymdog]

When I was learning to become a coach, I had to complete a 'Child protection' course which applied to many different sports. I can't remember the reason for it, but what I do seem to remember is that the lecturer said NEVER call your athlete by a nickname, even if that's what they prefer. This is in the UK and so it may be different in other countries.

I suspect it's to eliminate judgement calls in what is professional and appropriate. I don't necessarily agree, but basically the governing bodies want to make it foolproof. If coaches don't use nicknames, they can't use inappropriate or negative ones.

However, I don't consider a name a child is called exclusively to be the same kind of nickname. If the parents exclusively call the child that, then it's their name. For example, some kids go by their middle names exclusively, the parents picked the first name for some family reason but the middle is more "usable" so that is what they go by. Or A double name going by initials. I think that is different than nick naming a kid Bubbles or something. Even if the parent calls the kid Bubbles sometimes, I would assume some people in their life at school or wherever use their name and I would use their name too.

 

[ivyagogo]

I can't even imagine the bug up this coach's butt. What difference does it make to him/her? Call the child the name they want. Big deal. I have a girl who I have worked with for years. Her name is Madison. One day she came to practice and smelled like maple syrup. I've called her Waffles ever since. I still call her Madison if I'm being a bit more serious with her. She is on my team and we have two Madisons. She really likes being Waffles and there is no confusion. She even wanted Waffles printed on her jacket.

 

[gymmomtoo]

Coming from a different angle on this discussion. I have trouble remembering names, more than even the most forgetful person you know. Names just don't stick. And I've also stuck a name to the wrong person and then have grave trouble getting unstuck. I don't remember 95% of the parents in my children's teams, school, friends, etc. I've offended many many parents (even friends believe it or not and relatives). My husband has 10 cousins he is close to that we see 2 or 3 times a year . I've known them for 23 years now and it was only this year that I was able to address them correctly. I am certain I have some kind of cognitive memory disorder. So not all acts that appear disrespectful or inconsiderate are intentional or malicious.

If all else fails in getting the coach to call your daughter by her first name, perhaps explaining to your daughter of a potential disability may make your daughter more sympathetic and not resentful.

Oh, I'm totally like this! Can't remember a name to save my life--took me over a year to remember my next door neighbor's first name--and her name is the same as mine!

If the coach is hard to talk to in person, leave a note. I'd even throw something in there as why it's a big deal for your daughter. I hope your meeting is soon, if you're waiting for that--especially as it bothers your daughter to hear a coach call her by her formal name.

 

[COz]

There are 3 girls in my DD's group with the same name. It is a short name that ends in a 'y' sound, can't be abbreviated and has no real nickname version. The coaches have creatively (not) been calling them ****1, ****2 and ****3 when it isn't obvious which one they are calling.
I personally would find it a bit annoying if I had a number tacked on at the end of my name, but the kids and the parents don't seem to mind (it's not like they are constantly referred to in this way). The youngest seems to take great pride in the highest number and I've heard her say that she wishes she could be called ****100

Here's some nickname weirdness for you - although I don't like my name abbreviated (unless by older people with British accents...) I will happily answer to Christine without blinking as people have for some reason regularly called me that in the past. People also regularly call me Elizabeth, which I will correct, but am constantly amused that such a large number of people decide that my name is Elizabeth! <goes off to check if there is a large tattoo across forehead saying Elizabeth>

 

[Ali'sMom]

There are 3 girls in my DD's group with the same name. It is a short name that ends in a 'y' sound, can't be abbreviated and has no real nickname version. The coaches have creatively (not) been calling them ****1, ****2 and ****3 when it isn't obvious which one they are calling.
I personally would find it a bit annoying if I had a number tacked on at the end of my name, but the kids and the parents don't seem to mind (it's not like they are constantly referred to in this way). The youngest seems to take great pride in the highest number and I've heard her say that she wishes she could be called ****100

Here's some nickname weirdness for you - although I don't like my name abbreviated (unless by older people with British accents...) I will happily answer to Christine without blinking as people have for some reason regularly called me that in the past. People also regularly call me Elizabeth, which I will correct, but am constantly amused that such a large number of people decide that my name is Elizabeth! <goes off to check if there is a large tattoo across forehead saying Elizabeth>

I have a funny one for you - in 2nd grade, there were two girls with my name. My 2nd grade teacher took to calling me "Missy" (I was tiny, and I think it was a throwback to "Little Miss" type of thing). I had that teacher in one form or another for 3 years. I still remember moving to middle school, and the one with my name was gone, but now there was a real Missy. It took me a few years to stop thinking someone was calling me when they said Missy

 

[Lynn]

Today is the day! I'm ready to discuss this.

Somewhere along the lines someone mentioned going to desk and asking to speak with the coach. I was reminded of the policy that coach meets with parents once a month during update meetings only. So I tossed out the injury issue that was also brought up. I was informed that unless injury happens on the event being coached by this coach, it is handled by HC. So basically, this coach has made a stance of being unapproachable. Event coach only and will not travel to meets with the girls. I don't understand it but like I said before veteran parents of this gym do not seem to be bothered by this at all. I won't rock the boat by asking questions at this point...like why is it like this and accepted. Too new to the gym. Just want to see first hand how it goes during season.

I find everything interesting with coach. Good at doing the job but other stuff is just odd to me. All in all, the gym has been a great place to train. Get this name issue straightened out and move forward. DD has made a ton of progress in a short period of time!

 

[JMACAZ]

Good luck today. I hope it goes well.

 

[Galadriel]

Good luck !

 

[ginnymac]

Wondering what was the result of your meeting??

 

[my4buffaloes]

I hope it went well.

 

[Lynn]

I've finally had a moment to sit down after digesting the meeting.

I will first start off by saying...my DD has made great progress despite being "the new kid", watching an upper level gymnast destroy her arm falling off bars and losing her giants afterwards, and battling the "name" issue. Very happy with that. Now..onto what I am still shaking my head at.

Meeting begins on time with all coaches and gym owner. Discuss updates and progress. Apparently everyone is aware of the extension of the meeting except one coach as they proceed to leave room once the half hr mark is up. HC and gym owner remind coach that the meeting is not over. Coach looks annoyed! Gym owner begins conversation regarding DD's name. Coach acknowledges her by calling her name in question. Mind you, the whole meeting we are talking about her under her registered name. As we should be since that's the only name they know. Briefly touched on how it bothered dd to not be called by her name. Coach responded by saying "it's a nickname and I do not use nicknames when I coach". HC and gym owner mention that she is registered as XXX and not what she is being called therefore it's the name she is to be called in the gym. It went back and forth between them with very little input from me ( not exactly at my choosing but because they talked so much ). This coach just shy of saying it was refusing to call her by the name we registered her with. Because it sounds like a nickname. It's a shortened version of her birth name...it's not like we are asking her to be called "pipsqueak" or something like that. At this point, I've not mentioned the reasoning behind why this is an issue to begin with. And as far as I know, nobody knows anyways. Gym owner takes over and says something along the lines of, from this day forward, she is to be called this and not what you have been calling her. It makes her uncomfortable, it's not her name. Coach appears very mad and says some rude comments ( not about myself or dd ).

Received an email back on Sat from HC thanking me for being proactive with my concerns and of course for following policy with this coach. HC and gym owner are aware of what happened prior to our being transferred with husbands job. Via communication from outside world. We did not mention it. They both respected the way I handled this and believe I'm doing everything in my power to guide my daughter in dealing with this issue. Issue being the abusive former coach.

So that was a great deal of rambling. I will be glad to fill in blanks where I may have jumped over stuff...just ask.

Thanks again for all the feedback. I feel fairly resolved with the name issue...coach wasn't at practice Sat so tonight will be first night since conversation. Fingers crossed.