WAG Leaving a gymnast on one event all practice?

[gymdog]

I would ask/talk to him but I can't even have a conversation with the coach. Everything you say can be used against you. He is unsupportive and a lot of times full out rude. He can be great too though. Some days he's fantastic but a lot of days leave my dd in tears. He's done things like this in the past and I don't like it. The teammates don't get along with dd and trust me, if I could I would leave the gym but I can't do that. I'm out of options. Thanks for your opinions and sorry for my mini vent.

Even for a long drive? I'm just thinking she's 15 and soon she can drive herself. Your coach sounds...odd, so I'm just worried she has made it this far and will burn out under this unpredictable and illogical regimen.

 

[Lucy's Mom]

Our current gym is about a mile from our house so it's very convenient. There are some gyms in neighbor towns but that would be 45 min with no traffic, on a good day and they aren't very good. They have tiny teams and less coaches than our current gym. I can't afford to drive over 3 hours everyday. I know many people do it and I have great respect for them but I don't have time. If it was an amazing gym I would consider it. But under the circumstances...

 

[Deleted member D3987]

yeah, but what's the price/value for standing there for 6 hours doing nothing if that's you?

eta: you know, after thinking about this for 2 days...and there have been times i have been angry and frustrated as coach and more often than not at teenagers, but in all my years i would not have thought to stand them at an event for 6 hours doing nothing. they would condition or just go home. and that was even on my worst days.

 

[gymnastflip]

I would have her move gyms, as this is what led to me moving. I used to spend hours(6+) on bars or beam and it would achieve nothing. I thought I had no way out because other gyms didn't have space etc. but after I left I went to a few trials and now go to a great gym... lucky and worth it.
Is there a train or a bus she could take? That's what I do-most of the time my mom can't do the 50 minute drive so I take the train. Maybe you could drive her there and she could get public transport back- it just depends on where you live.
Good luck

 

[Lucy's Mom]

She technically didn't stand there and do nothing... She worked like crazy, but on her own terms, so I guess I understand what you mean. He has kicked girls out before and sent them to conditioning like you described. Something similar (but in my opinion a bit worse) happened to another girl today. I wish we could look at other gyms but going to a smaller gym that has less girls, less coaches, older equipment and is an hour away doesn't suit my dd or myself.

 

[gymdog]

She technically didn't stand there and do nothing... She worked like crazy, but on her own terms, so I guess I understand what you mean. He has kicked girls out before and sent them to conditioning like you described. Something similar (but in my opinion a bit worse) happened to another girl today. I wish we could look at other gyms but going to a smaller gym that has less girls, less coaches, older equipment and is an hour away doesn't suit my dd or myself.

Okay, well if they don't have level 10 I understand but I would check carefully and make sure there's nothing you're missing (like if there is a neighboring state, etc). 6 hours is a long practice even for level 10 on a school day schedule (although if this was a Saturday it would make more sense). Presumably you pay tuition and I understand a coach having a rough day and assigning some conditioning if a gymnast was obviously unable to do some part of the workout, but for the entire six hours is really unnecessary. Personally I would just be prepared for burnout because it is a lot of hours even for a level 10 and the coach is not really helping out with creating a positive, predictable environment per your posts. If this repeats and there is an owner who is not the coach I would say something. You are paying and it is his job. If he has some issue that is causing this, he needs to have a meeting with her and clue you in as to why she is needing to work by herself for hours. I have kids who have problems with the workout all the time...if it affects more than a part of one rotation, I approach the parent, let them know the solution for the time being, and what the further consequences or solutions will need to be if the problem does not resolve (wide variety of situations).

 

[Natasha]

I would ask/talk to him but I can't even have a conversation with the coach. Everything you say can be used against you. He is unsupportive and a lot of times full out rude. He can be great too though. Some days he's fantastic but a lot of days leave my dd in tears. He's done things like this in the past and I don't like it. The teammates don't get along with dd and trust me, if I could I would leave the gym but I can't do that. I'm out of options. Thanks for your opinions and sorry for my mini vent.

I know you said in the other post that you are feeling stuck and that your daughter does not want to leave. What you have described in this post and the other post is emotional abuse. I understand that in this dysfunctional sport we tend to tolerate some level of behavior that if occurred outside of the context of the sport we would never even debate whether or not one should put up with it. However, I get that your daughter has invested pretty much her whole life in this sport and that she does not want to walk away from the sport or the gym. So, if you are not going to leave this gym, I encourage you to keep a very close eye on what is going on in the gym and to do some things to protect and set an example for your daughter.
First, let your daughter know through both your words and actions that the behavior from the coach is not okay. This means setting an example for your daughter by talking to the owner, another coach, whoever you need to talk to about the behavior of the coach. SHe needs to see an example from an adult who has the courage to stand up for what is right.
Second, you need to have lots of ongoing open dialogues with your dd about what is happening in the gym, how she feels about it and what she thinks about it, both what she observes and her own interactions with the coach. She needs to understand on both an intellectual AND emotional level that the coach's unpredictable behavior is due to HIS own issues and that it has nothing to do with her performance or worth as an individual. She cannot just "work harder" or "be a better gymnast" or "do better" to prevent his episodes. He will likely continue to blame the gymnasts (whichever unlucky girl of the day) for his poor behavior. It is all about a need for control gone wild. Be on the lookout for any signs that your daughter is internalizing or taking responsibility for his outbursts. Any thoughts or statements along the lines of "I deserved it," "if only I was better gymnast" "If only I hadn't fallen on that skill" etc. need to be discussed and challenged.
Third, please make sure your child has plenty of other healthy adult role models and authority figures, especially males, in her life so that she can know and understand that this behavior is not normal or acceptable.
A final thought for you, you said in the other thread that you didn't ever think of it as abuse, you just thought he was a "jerk." You have also mentioned that some days he is wonderful. The most "skilled" abusers (in that they are able to get people to stay with them) tend to have very dynamic personalities and can be absolutely wonderful at times and then tension builds and it is like a switch flips and you have the outburst (tension release), followed by a period of calm. (Classic cycle of abuse). It is this unpredictability that is so confusing and damaging to the victims.
Please keep us posted on how things go for you and your daughter.