Parents Negative coaching style vent.

[Mom2-4]

So a little background. Gym split left DD at gym with no teammates L6 (her level at the time) and above. She chose to stay with current HC. I think out of fear of not measuring up at some of the other gyms around. Comp scores for her are usually mid range for some of the higher scoring gyms. In retro I should have made her move but gave her the choice. I feel now that her chances of competing in college which she desperately wants went from slim to impossible though I would never say this. HC has limited exp with higher optionals. Anyway she constantly compares DD with lower level gymnast Suzy is much better than you and she is a lot younger etc. DD is training L8. She asked HC do you think I will have the skills I need by comp season hoping for at least a maybe. Unoquivical "nope". DD thinks maybe she is just trying to motivate her but she is upset and discouraged. It's a small gym and it's not like she coaches one event she coaches all events. I told DD maybe she should remind HC next time she tells her how bad of a gymnast she is that she has been her coach for 4 years. Maybe some of the blame is hers. Of course DD would never sass like that. I don't know how to help her. Does this type of negative pressure ever work. It seems to make my DD and others just dislike the gymnast they are being compared to. This is not the first time HC has found a"better" younger gymnast to compare her to. So sad that DD is so afraid to step out of her comfort zone. She really has not much confidence in her gymnastics.

 

[B.Gold]

First and foremost, gym is supposed to be fun. The opportunity for any of our kids to compete college gym is slim to none, so what are we left with? An experience that should build our children up, not tear them down.

I'm sure at some time and place this kind of comparing has worked, but it certainly isn't effective team building, and shows deficits in a coach who has no other tools in her arsonel to motivate. I'd be asking myself if it is too late to move.

 

[munchkin3]

It's never to late for anything!
Coaches compare often and they do use this tactic to try and get the kid to work harder.....it does work for some, and others it doesn't. It's pretty common, and I don't condone it but it's not the worst coaching tactic.....I've seen some pretty negative stuff so I don't consider telling a kid they do not have the skills for a level mean....it's just realistic.
The real question is dos this gym have optionals, how many.....can they gets kids into college? If not, you need to get your DD somewhere that has a track record. If college gymnastics is your hope then you need to be strategic in getting your daughter seen, to the right meets, and progressing.
Colleges aren't looking for the AA winner and the superstar (I mean, they like these too!) but they like kids who have special talents, expertise and show they can learn quickly and have a good attitude!
I can't tell you how many girls I know who stayed behind at their last gym (great compulsory, no optional)...because this DD loves the coach, or is afraid of moving, etc....they stagnate, loose motivation....the coach ultimately blames the kid......
My suggestion, sit down with your DD, who sounds a bit older and discuss what she wants, what she is willing to sacrifice....then consider other gyms.....then the trickiest part....make the call as her parent. YOU Decide what's best for your child! No kid wants to change gyms....but sometimes you need to show them the light.
No kid should live with the big decision they made when they were 10 or 11 to stay in they comfortable environment. You will still encounter some of these tactics at other gyms, but if you find the right one hopefully there is balance within the coaches....some more empathetic and some tougher and meaner. Find something where your daughter has friends her age....

 

[Ali'sMom]

No child should be told unequivocally "Nope" when asked if they'll be ready.
Anytime that negative pressure has been used on DD or some of her friends that I know have also been talked to that way, it has NEVER worked. EVER. It has caused many moments of wanting to quit, many moments of "I suck", many moments that I wanted to rip the coach a new one....

Personally, training level 8, and really wanting to try for college gym, I'd start shopping around.

 

[BachFlyer]

First, I love your sassy point! I know that your dd might not dare say that to the coach, but I think it's a great perspective to have internal. A coach an a gymnast are both integral parts of what it takes to make a good gymnast, and I think too often coaches forget this equation. Maybe the right way to communicate this to the coach is "I want to get better and I need your help, can you help me?". Any coach that has an athlete's best interest at heart should be responsive to that kind of request. Comparisons are rarely effective, but especially when they are very generalized ie: "Suzy is better than you" vs "Suzy gives 110% and fights through her fear very well, and I think you might want to watch her/ask her to see what she does when she struggles". The latter approach might be helpful, but only in extremely limited situations.

Second, we were in a similar situation at a gym that couldn't seem to get anyone to decent proficiency at level 9 and 10, and the coaching was often quite negative. We were considering a move already, but ultimately some changes forced our hand after her level 8 season. She was 11 1/2. She is on track to compete in college going into her 3rd year of level 10 (,majorly knocking on wood here). I have always felt that it was the BEST time to make a switch to a better gym. At that point, you know your child has at least enough skill (and more importantly dedication and desire) to make it to optionals. She had to clean up a few things that were hindering her ability to progress on the bigger skills, and the timing to do so was good because the bad habits weren't quite as ingrained as they would have been after several seasons of serious tumbling, AND they hadn't had a chance to cause a major injury yet! The new gym has some of it's own issues, so never be deluded into thinking any gym is perfect especially when it comes to personalities of coaches, but sometimes a move is just what is needed.

 

[Gymmommy71]

Some kids respond well to that constant comparison/internal competition stuff, my kid does not. If your kid is unhappy and doesn't feel like she is progressing, I would consider leaving.

Of course, be aware that sometimes it doesn't take long for kids like Suzy to leave gyms where they are constantly touted as the star/most talented. As you see on this board, parents of kids like this prefer to be at gyms where there are many successful level 10 gymnasts (so they are comfortable that long term Suzie will progress), and when a gym doesn't have that, their days are usually numbered. Do you feel this coach wouldn't do this stuff if Suzy wasn't at the gym?

 

[cadybearsmommy]

It makes me sad to hear about what your dd is going through. I don't think that is a healthy way to motivate her at all and from what I've seen favoritism and comparing teammates to each other only creates tension within the team.

Is your dd the only one currently training L8? If so, is she getting additional hours or training the same amount of hours as the lower level girls? I think that could be part of the problem. L8 skills are a lot harder than say L6 and it's going to be hard to acquire those skills on the same number of hours as a lower level optional. L8 is really a turning point when it comes to optionals from what I've seen. Many girls get discouraged and quit around this level. I think to train L8 and above it really requires an experienced dedicated coach, a decent amount of training hours and a willing and hard working gymnast (which it sounds like your dd is.)

It might be time to have a discussion with your gym about your dd's future in gymnastics. And if this discussion doesn't set your mind at ease or nothing changes, I think in your shoes I would start shopping around.

Tell your dd to keep her head up and not get discouraged!

 

[my4buffaloes]

So is it too late to switch? Sounds like staying isn't working out.

 

[MeetDirector]

I will be blunt - If you want to support your dd's goal of college gymnastics, find another gym now. The club you are currently at will not get her to her goal. That kind of an attitude by a coach, whether trying to be motivational or not, is not going to get you anywhere.

Good Luck.

 

[duyetanh]

I will be blunt - If you want to support your dd's goal of college gymnastics, find another gym now. The club you are currently at will not get her to her goal. That kind of an attitude by a coach, whether trying to be motivational or not, is not going to get you anywhere.

Good Luck.

like times infinity......

 

[munchkin3]

I will be blunt - If you want to support your dd's goal of college gymnastics, find another gym now. The club you are currently at will not get her to her goal. That kind of an attitude by a coach, whether trying to be motivational or not, is not going to get you anywhere.

Good Luck.

Yes....this is a strategy question. Don't expect to reach your goals if the gym typically does not get those results......
If the gym wants to get kids college scholarships, they better be hiring coaches with a track record. In addition, negative coaching styles do not work long term. It's a short term solution for a person with a limited toolbox.