Off Topic The joke thread

[CoachGoofy]

Pi and i are having an argument.
i says "be rational!"
Pi responds "get real!"

...I have that on a Tshirt...

On the math/geek theme:

There are 10 kinds of people.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

[MdGymMom01]

Some Psychology jokes

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
______________

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

______________

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

______________

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

_______________

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

________________

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL problem?

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.
And how long have you had this complaint?
Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!
And how long have you had this complaint?
What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small bucket.
You do look a little pail.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Wait a minute please.
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don't answer!

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

PATIENT'S PHONE: RRRIIIIIIINNGGGGG
PATIENT: Hello?
DOC: It's your doctor. I've got some bad news and some worse news.
PATIENT: Oh, man. Gimme the bad news first.
DOC: The bad news is that your test results show you have twenty-four hours to live.
PATIENT: That's the BAD news? What could be WORSE than that?
DOC: The worse news is I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.



OPERATOR: Hello, this is 911, what is your emergency?
GUY: You gotta help me! My friend and I are out hunting and he just keeled over dead!
OPERATOR: Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead.
BANG!
GUY: Ok, now what?

 

[marie83]

A few from me...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?


it turned into a field!

Did you hear about the invasion of the body snatchers?


I'd better not tell you, I'll get carried away


Which cheese can hide a horse?

Mascarpone (Mask a pony)


How do you hire a horse?

Put a brick under each hoof


Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam


What was Good King Wenceslas' favourite pizza?

Deep Pan Crisp and Even

 

[txgymfan]

What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Wiz?
Cheeze was!

What is peer pressure? When a boat hits a dock!


Joke power!

Here is a true silly story about a joke. A patient at our children's hospital posted a sign on her door "all doctor's, the fee for leaving this room is one joke. This means resident's too. " When a doc came in to check her out she asked for a joke, if they said they would "tell her one later" she said "No, page someone!" so they ended up calling each other or thier kids. Eventually the nurses kept a joke book at the nurses station.

 

[Arvel]

Hi Geoffery,
Don't have joke to share but I was here to sooth stress. No wonder joke makes us laugh and laughter is the best medicine. Laughter helps in soothing stress and prevent from depression and cardiovascular disease. Will share joke after recalling a nice one!