When is a parent "too involved"?

[Billy]

I would be incredibly suspicious of anyone who wanted to do something with my child and I was not "allowed" to watch. In fact, I wouldn't allow that. If my child is with you, I have every right to be there, watch what's going on, drop in unannounced, etc. No one gets private time with my child, at gymnastics practice or anywhere else. If a gym doesn't allow me to watch my child anytime I want to then we don't go to that gym.

 

[MdGymMom01]

It's not that we are "not allowed" to watch practice at our gym, it's more for the kids staying focused on their practice and paying attention to their coaches. If the kids know that their parents are there all the time watching, they may be more concerned about gaining the approval of the parent watching and that may take away the focus from the coaches. They have an open door policy at our gym, so we can stay and watch whenever we want. It's just that they do a lot of conditioning for pre-team and that gets pretty boring to watch.
I think it is up to the parents if they want to stay and watch or not. Being too involved, to me, means interfering with the coaches and gymnasts progress. Afterall, it is the child's sport and they should have the freedom to be somewhat independant with it.

Let the Coaches Coach
Let the Judges Judge
Let the Officials Officiate
and Let the Parents be Positive

 

[Billy]

The conditioning is definitely not as fun to watch as everything else but they try to make it fun for the girls at our gym. Yesterday part of the conditioning was piggy-back races across the floor. That was absolutely hysterical to watch. But, for those not-so-interesting times, I either talk with the other moms or read a book and listen to my mp3.

I do understand about some kids not paying attention to the coaches with their parents watching. There is one tiny girl taking a beginners class and she is so busy waving and blowing kisses to her parents that she doesn't actually do much of anything else. But, that is not a problem with our team girls. They know why they're there and they don't get easily distracted by the parents.

 

[NYgymfan]

Way back in the day I took private swim lessons. The window between the pool and the "parents room" was one-way glass. So the parents could see us but we couldn't see that they were watching. That allowed the parents to see what we were doing without us being distracted. In fact I think I was at that pool for over a month before I even realized the parents room existed!

 

[iluvgym]

I think that's a great idea!

 

[catesmom]

I've been reading this thread for a couple days and the one thing we can all agree on is that each of us has their own comfort level with the amount of time we spend in the gym. And INgymmom you are so right about parents cattiness having nothing to do with how much time they spend in the gym. My 12 year old has been at the same gym with the same coaches for 5 years. If I ever had worries about the treatment of my dd, I got my questions answered years ago. At our gym the viewing area is very large and completely open and there are usually a few lower level parents there, I honestly seldom go into the gym anymore, except on the night of our monthly booster club meeting.

My dd is very committed to her training, and has always been one of the "good kids" about paying attention and taking direction. But when I'm in the gym even she spends way too much time paying attention to me, and trying to show me things. She spends 16 1/2 hours in the gym, and with a full-time job, and another younger dd also involved in activites there is no way I could stay even if I wanted to. I have found through the years that home schoolers tend to spend more time at the gym, don't reallly have a reason why.

But then I also don't stay at DD2's traveling basketball or softball practices. I agree that is why we have coaches. But just as I will never miss a concert or play that my children have prepared for, I will never miss a game or meet. After all isn't that why we have kids.....to raise them the best we can and enjoy the growth that happens as a result of our efforts and their hard work? Today was the first softball game of dd2's season. She was the starting pitcher and WOW, what a change I saw in her this year. Both skills and confidence she didn't have last year.

In the summer all practices are during the day, and all parents are encouraged not to come. The coaches have more luck working new skills when we are not there. Can we come of course! Thats a big difference to me. It is such a thrill as others have said, to see the new skills performed for the first time, and really amazing if you haven't seen all the boo-boos to get there!

 

[Billy]

I think the consensus of an over-involved parent is one that pushes their child way too far and at all costs, questions every decision the coaches make, places too much importance on their child's performance (both in practice and in meets) and keeps their child in gymnastics even if the child doesn't want to be there. When any activity is more important to the parent than it is to the child, there's a problem.

 

[mtbmom]

I appreciate your comments and I absolutely did not take any offense. I completely understand what you're saying. But, I do take care to let my DD know that I love her and I am proud of her for many reasons, not just gymnastics. And with her gymnastics, I tell her I'm proud of how well she works and how hard she tries, not for what she can do.

The increased hours (it's actually 11 per week- I made a mistake) just started last week. When she was making us go broke with the cartwheels, she was only a practice 5 hours a week. She does still practice some at home but she's usually outside riding her bike or on the swingset or tampoline, or she's at the kitchen counter with her markers and art supplies. She will be taking swimming lessons this summer (she needs to finish learning to swim whether she wants to or not; safety, you know). We also do frequent "girls days" where she and I go out to lunch or shopping or something. And her favorite thing to do is to cuddle up with me before bedtime and watch "House Hunters" on HGTV (go figure). Trust me, our relationship, and her life, is not all about the gym. I'm very careful about that.

As for doing gymnastics for me, I am absolutely sure that pleasing me is not the case. She wanted to do gym, she has been begging to be on the team since she was 4 years old, and she would live at the gym if we'd let her. When she was 5, she watched a girl do a cool tumbling pass on the floor. DD turned to me, very seriously, and said, "Mom, I have to come every day." She is very driven and determined. She does not like anything (gymnastics, school, learning to ride a bike, etc) get the best of her. She excels because she wants to. We just support her and make sure she's safe and happy. The minute she's not happy anymore, we stop.

Btw, every girl on the L4 team made it to state this past season and the team placed 5th in the state out of 28 teams. Several of the girls also placed individually. Also, my DD is the only 6 yr old at this level. The next youngest girl on her team is 8.

Glad to hear more about your relationship. Sounds like y'all are doing just fine.

Keep up the good work MOM!

Sue Z

 

[jes.the.gymnast]

a parent is to involved if they are watching evey training. if a parents always goes they never see any improvment, if they only go one or twice a term they can have a better understanding of how far their child is progressing. they are also to involved if they are trying to coach their children while they are training. this is the job of the coaches and parents should trust their coach.

 

[GymnastRaeRae87]

...

a parent is to involved if they are watching evey training. if a parents always goes they never see any improvment, if they only go one or twice a term they can have a better understanding of how far their child is progressing. they are also to involved if they are trying to coach their children while they are training. this is the job of the coaches and parents should trust their coach.

No offense but I completely disagree. My parents see improvment in me every time they go (which is every practice) My parents don't coach me, but they do tell me oh your form was a little different on *such and such skill* than normal or something like that (they have seen me in the sport for 11 years) I agree with catesmom in saying everyone has their own comfort level, very well said catesmom

 

[Billy]

No offense but I completely disagree. My parents see improvment in me every time they go (which is every practice) My parents don't coach me, but they do tell me oh your form was a little different on *such and such skill* than normal or something like that (they have seen me in the sport for 11 years) I agree with catesmom in saying everyone has their own comfort level, very well said catesmom

I agree with what you (and your parents) have said. I see improvement in my DD at every practice. And I love knowing if she had a good practice (so I can cheer for her), or a bad one (so I can sympathize). I like watching her work and seeing her progress and improve and conquer troublesome skills. I am her constant cheerleader, no matter how the day's practice has gone. She knows I'm always there for her.

 

[GymnastRaeRae87]

I agree with what you (and your parents) have said. I see improvement in my DD at every practice. And I love knowing if she had a good practice (so I can cheer for her), or a bad one (so I can sympathize). I like watching her work and seeing her progress and improve and conquer troublesome skills. I am her constant cheerleader, no matter how the day's practice has gone. She knows I'm always there for her.

That's exactly how my parents are and I love it!!! It sounds like you are a great gym Mom and you're DD is a very appreciative of everything you do for her!!

 

[gymdog]

It's so highly dependent on individual personalities and situations, so it's hard to lay down many concrete guidelines.

My observations:

Bribing - I've personally never seen it turn out very well from the parent side and it can snowball fast starting at a low level in my opinion. I think it fine once in awhile to treat your DD in a "I notice you've been working hard and I'm proud of you" way, but making deals ahead of time...this is really not something I'd encourage based on my experience.

Watching practice - Depends. I think that progress in gymnastics is generally slow and it's very easy to become overinvested in situations that work themselves out over time. I don't think watching every practice is the fast track to over-involvement, but I will say in my experience teammates who had their parents there, particularly later on, were often nervous and high strung. They felt like they couldn't escape practice, even if their parents weren't pushy about it. A lot of times we didn't want to talk about it after talking about it with coaches, teammates, and a parent who just watched it all is naturally curious...and it's hard to hold that back, even the vibe. As the years go by and the situation progresses, there is a lot invested in this and there's pressure no matter what...the learning curve gets much, much steeper. Practice can be hard enough when it's not going well, without having someone who's following it day in and day out. Girls that up until level 7 learned everything with ease start to encounter problems. When you're a 12 or 13 year old girl everything is so dramatic too already. It can be really hard and it's easy to feel defensive over what to the parent seems like a simple question. My parents only watched meets and I can remember perceiving innocent questions in a "you don't understand" way. By the time we were teenagers, no one's parents watched every practice. But the ones who watched more often, usually their daughters felt more pressure...and often felt like they couldn't quit because their parents were dedicating so much time to it.

Practicing at home - Generally all right in some ways, if you proceed with caution. It's fine in small enough doses (provided the area is open and she won't hit anything or do things inappropriate to the surfaces). Little kids bounce back pretty easily but the repeated impact can add up. I would encourage working on basics such as handstands, presses, stretching, and conditioning, and the dance part of routines, rather than actual skills. It's easy to learn bad habits and harder to undo them, and wrist and back overuse injuries are so frustrating. There's no guarantee it would be a problem, but it's common enough that I'd be wary.

 

[flippymonkeysmom]

I agree about the slow progression and it is more exciting when you don't see it every day. Just yesterday they had the spring show for the rec classes and the team got to do some exhibition stuff. I was helping out and when my daughter was doing stuff I hadn't seen - I was like - WOW !! Again, I don't think it is bad to watch practices - I used to when she was younger and just starting out. I think when they are little you still have that overprotective parent instinct and you have to do what feels right to you. As the years go on though most parents start spending less and less time watching practices. Watching meets - I don't even think that is a question - of course we are supposed to be there!!!

I guess the way I would have to sum up 'too involved' would be the parents who no longer have a life of their own and live their lives through their child's gymnastics and try to micro manage every aspect of it.

 

[Billy]

teammates who had their parents there, particularly later on, were often nervous and high strung. They felt like they couldn't escape practice, even if their parents weren't pushy about it. A lot of times we didn't want to talk about it after talking about it with coaches, teammates, and a parent who just watched it all is naturally curious...and it's hard to hold that back, even the vibe...... But the ones who watched more often, usually their daughters felt more pressure...and often felt like they couldn't quit because their parents were dedicating so much time to it.

I think a lot of this kind of stuff can be avoided by good communication. If my DD had a bad practice and she told me she didn't want to talk about it, I would respect that. Although, I do think that would be easier if I had been there to see it for myself. But also, I would want my DD to be able to talk to me if she wanted to quit, or about anything else for that matter. Parents must keep the lines of communication open. I think if we do that and we constantly reassure our kids that we love them and are proud of them regardless of anything else, they won't feel pressured or stressed to "perform" for us.

 

[Granny Smith]

Just adding to a couple of previous thoughts:

Bribing - never done it. My personal opinion is that dd has got to want it herself, not because I am going to give her something. I have heard some parents talk about "bribing", but it is usually at the lower levels. Dd is in the gym 20 hrs a week, if she doesn't want "it" for herself, no bribe would keep her working hard. The higher the level, the more the girls are there for the love of the sport, not because mom or dad want her to go. I am not saying it doesn't happen at the higher levels, but I think it is more rare compared to the lower levels.

In home gym - to me over the top, but again, I see this with the lower levels (compulsory) more so than the optional. Dd wanted a bar when she was like level 5 and first I wasn't going to pay for it. Second, I thought that she was in the gym enough to learn the skill. Lastly, I said to her I know that some of your friends have the basement/family roon gym, but I doubt that there is any level 10 that has a bar in their home. Again, I speak of our gym only - I know there has got to be some level 10 out there who has a bar in the home!

Dd is at the gym 5 days a week, when I drop her off, I always get a kiss from her and I tell her to work hard and have fun. Sometimes, I tell her to smile!
I stay for maybe 45 minutes and then I am off to pick up her brother and make dinner. I usually come back for the last hour. I do know that she loves having me there. On the way home, I ask how gym was. I ask how each event went, nothing major - but enough to show that I am interested in what my child does for 20 hrs a week (I truly am interested). Just like I will ask my dh how his day was at work. As she is telling be about her gym day, she is receiving and sending about 50 million text messages - her friends know exactly when she gets out of gym! My how the times have changed....

I like to think of myself as an involved parent, but not an overbearing parent.

 

[Deleted member 1703]

Granny Smith - I concur with you on all 3 points!!

 

[Billy]

I don't see how an in-home gym can work at the higher levels. It is one thing to have a little practice bar for hip circles, pullovers, etc. but it is another thing entirely to have a set-up big enough for giants and cast handstands and such. I don't think too many people have that kind of space (not to mention ceiling height) in their homes. Also, when the girls get to the higher levels, they are spending so much time in the gym that they won't want to practice at home, too. But, having practice space at home is great for the younger girls at the lower levels. My DD is so excited about learning new skills that the time she's in the gym is just not enough to satisfy her. When she advances and is at the gym more, the home gym will become a home theater!

 

[Rainee100]

My top 10 list for overinvolved gym parents:

#10 You own the purple USAG Complulsory Manual and keep it in the bathroom for reference

#9 You also have the dvd of the routines and try to point out what's different in your daughter's

#8 You have a mini setup in your basement (beam, preschool bar, mats etc. )

#7 You notice your daughter's toe point on the lazy river ride at the water park and commend her for it

#6 You've done a handstand against the wall to show your daughter proper form

#5 You've thrown your back out attempting a front handspring

#4 Your daughter wants to quit and become an actress and you convince her that gymnastics will further her acting career

#3 You start tallying her all around in the 2nd event

#2 You know what a geinger and a tkatchev are and your daughter is a level 4

and finally:

#1 Your on chalkbucket.com at 1:00 in the morning reading the forum

 

[Billy]

hehehehe..... Great list. Was somebody up watching Letterman last night? Hmmm..... is 3 out of 10 bad?

#2- But I defend myself because I love to watch NCAA gymnastics and I like to know what the commentators are talking about so I look it up (I look up everything, not just gymnastics stuff- I'm a total geek that way)

#8- No excuses but DD loves it

#10- except I don't keep it in the bathroom; it's in the gym where it belongs. DD looks at the pictures and tried to copy them. I read it to make sure she's not learning something wrong when she's practicing on her own.