Parents New coach approached me about DD's behavior

[Alibri]

My daughter is 6 and on the L2 team at her gym.

All of the compulsory levels have been through a whirlwind over the last two months. They lost a beloved coach that has been there for many years for a personal reason of hers, had a new coach that got fired in a matter of weeks, and now another new coach.

Today the current new coach that my daughter has had for about 3 weeks came up to me after practice today, and said we needed to talk. She said my daughter has been off task, and not listening to directions for stations. She said she has not been focusing and that she is not performing skills as well as she can because of this. She said she has had to redirect her attention many times and that she is distracted.

I was shocked and mortified, since I have not heard this in any of her school classes (she's in kindergarten), or from her previous coaches. I felt like I got to a place where I didn't need to stay at every practice, and I have only been staying once a week, on the day my younger daughter has practice. the L2 team seems to stay in the back where I can't see on those days, so I'm wondering if I need to stay more often now to see what's happening.

It was honestly a huge punch in the stomach and I have been thinking about it since this happened. I am definitely a "rule follower" and generally a timid person. My parents never faced anything like this when I was a young child, and it would have destroyed my younger self if I got into trouble with a coach or a teacher for any reason. This daughter is definitely my more headstrong daughter out of my two, but I had no idea that her behavior was to the point of being so off base that the coach needed to address it with me.

Part of me feels like my daughter might still be adjusting to the new routines and procedures of this new coach, and may not be bonded to her yet like she was to her original coach. Plus, she is 6.

BUT..I hate that the first impression this new coach has of her is negative and I am concerned about this reported behavior. It is not acceptable to me that my daughter would misbehave. My daughter says she LOVES gymnastics. She was one of the only girls who didn't come out crying yesterday because of the extra-hard conditioning and stretching that this new coach did with them. I want her to continue loving it, but still be able to focus and do her best.

Have any of you faced something similar? What would you/did you say to your child?

 

[caligymdad]

She's 6..........

My DD is 8 going on 9 and a lvl 7 that made it to the ranch for testing in TOP's this past year. When we were at another gym, and DD was 4 I believe, one of the pre-team coaches said that my daughter played too much and would never make it in the sport. At some point we have to remember that these are kids. The riggers of the sport are very demanding and she has all the time in the world to 'get serious'. She will only be 6 once in her life and her coach should understand this. We were fortunate and the gym we were at had 2 pre-team coaches and the other coach was happy to take her. She did an amazing job of balancing the reality of my daughter's age while still pushing her and holding her accountable. We are still in contact to this day. Turned out that the coach that believed my DD would not make it in the sport only had 1 of her 5 girls ready for team and my DD's coach had all 5 of her girls ready. Don't let the abrasiveness of one new coach make you feel as if you need to rob your daughter of the joy of being 6. It is the responsibility of the coach to meet the girls where they are and make a connection with your daughter that inspires her to want to stay on task while allowing her to be a 6 year old.

 

[Lunde]

Important to remember that she is only 6! Some coaches like to address things straight away - it's not necessarily a big problem but obviously there are risks with this sport if she is starting to slide into silliness.

It is also entirely possible that all of the coaching changes and problems have unsettled your DD - possibly the coach who got sacked after a few weeks had allowed behaviour and focus to slide and that this is now causing problems for the new coach.

I would not make a big thing about this for a 6 year old but would talk to my DD about listening to the coach and doing her best. The fact that kids are crying does not sound great - if this persists I would talk to the head coach about this

 

[Aussie_coach]

It probably wouldn't hurt if yiu stayed for a little while and watched the classes, so you can see what is really going on. If yiu have never had this issue before it might not be the full story.

Every coach has a difference level of tolerance and understanding, it is possible that this coach is not recognising what is normal 6 year old behaviour and is expecting them to be mini adults, who stay on task for a long time and are self motivated.

It could also have something to do with the way the coach is teaching. Again differ et coaches have different levels of ability when it comes to kids this age. The coach may not have the structure needed at practice or there might be too much waiting around between stations.

I would not be overly stressed about the fact that yiur child doesn't always follow the rules. Sometimes. This is what allows them to be excellent gymnasts. Kids who can't sit still and don't always just accept the boundaries are the ones with the energy to train hard, and the guts to not accept their own boundaries and push to greater heights in this sport.

But in all honesty I would be 90% sure that this is a problem with the coach and not the gymnast. Because if the ova H is sending a whole team of little 6 year olds out of training in tears due to the severity of the conditioning and stretching there is something seriously wrong there.

 

[Melmouse]

My daughter has just turned 6 years old. She trains 16 hours a week. She has ADHD and she tends to be a bit silly, unfocused at times and has a hard time focusing on details. I have had coaches point this out many times and have had them ask me to talk to her and to tell her to be more serious. I keep reminding myself that she is only 6 years old and with time she will mature and learn coping strategies that will help her. When I think back even to a year ago I see major improvements with her focus and behaviour. I try to keep a positive outlook on things and tell myself that in a couple of years she will mature. I want her to be who she is a happy, spirited child who loves gymnastics. I don't want to change her personality since that is who she is and is part of the reason she does so well at gymnastics. I teach her to be respectful to her coaches and teammates and to listen in class. If she can do that every class I am happy.

 

[gymisforeveryone]

Aussie_coach is right! 6 years old are going to be 6 years old until they turn 7 and then they will be 7 years old until they turn 8 and... Why are so many coaches expecting them to be mini-sized adults? And what's the point of making a bunch of 6, 7, 8, 9.... years old kids condition so hard that they all leave in tears? Make them hate conditioning? And the coaches do this because the kids who hate conditioning excel in this sport, right?

And about the post of Melmouse and her 6 year old daughter. What program takes a 6 year old kid with ADHD, puts her in a group that practices 16 hours a week and expects the parent to "talk" to her at home and make her be more serious? Like really? If treating ADHD was really that simple... If she can cope 16 hours of training in a week, she's already doing something that like 90 % of 6 year old kids couldn't do? She's already a super girl for doing that. Am I the only one who thinks that some of these programs have ridiculously high expectations for crazy young kids???

 

[NutterButter]

BUT..I hate that the first impression this new coach has of her is negative and I am concerned about this reported behavior. It is not acceptable to me that my daughter would misbehave. My daughter says she LOVES gymnastics. She was one of the only girls who didn't come out crying yesterday because of the extra-hard conditioning and stretching that this new coach did with them. I want her to continue loving it, but still be able to focus and do her best.

I'm on Year 7 with one of my kids with negative behavior reports from teachers. Every. Single. Year. At first I was soooo embarrassed to get the negative reports but now I mostly SMH and move on. I have it down with how to work with the teacher and my exuberant kid during behavior flare-ups. There are no ADHD, spectrum or broader behavior problems....he can just be a pain in the you know what.

I agree with others that she's 6 and still likely adjusting to the change in coaches. Especially if she has been subjected to 3 different coaching styles in the last few months. And well, at 6 they are still busy with physical and developmental growth spurts that sometimes show up as 'acting out'. I bolded the comment above because I have a different take on it. I wondered if she wasn't crying because she was off task and not working as hard as the other kids. It could be that she just isn't meshing well with the new coaches extra-hard conditioning and is 'protesting' by being off task. (And don't get me started on why most of the kids came out of strength crying. This is a red flag for me and something to keep tabs on. This has happened a handful of times with DD and her teammates but it's the exception and she's an Optional gymnast. This doesn't happen with the pre-teamers at DD's gym.)

I would for sure address it with your DD but I would not punish. I'm not even sure I would mention that the coach has commented on her behavior. Just some simple reminders on behaving, respect and manners. I would also try to get her thoughts on how practice is going. She may be able to articulate how she feels. Ask her the best and worst parts of practice. You might get some insight from her. I also think it's a good idea to observe practice too.

With the coach, I would want to know the specifics on when she is off-task. Does she talk all the time or when she is waiting in line? Is it on specific events or during flex, strength, conditioning. Are others distracted by her? Is she silly with friends? How does the coach redirect her? Does she respond to that? From here you can come up with a plan on helping your DD be more successful and/or give the coach tips on what works for your DD. You will learn too if the coach just has unrealistic expectations for that age group.

 

[Mish]

My daughter has just turned 6 years old. She trains 16 hours a week. She has ADHD and she tends to be a bit silly, unfocused at times and has a hard time focusing on details. I have had coaches point this out many times and have had them ask me to talk to her and to tell her to be more serious. I keep reminding myself that she is only 6 years old and with time she will mature and learn coping strategies that will help her. When I think back even to a year ago I see major improvements with her focus and behaviour. I try to keep a positive outlook on things and tell myself that in a couple of years she will mature. I want her to be who she is a happy, spirited child who loves gymnastics. I don't want to change her personality since that is who she is and is part of the reason she does so well at gymnastics. I teach her to be respectful to her coaches and teammates and to listen in class. If she can do that every class I am happy.

Is it typical in Canada for 6 yo to train 16 hrs/wk? Just asking, not judging

 

[GymDad9.9]

If a child LOVES gymnastics, they need to understand that focus and listening to coaches are important parts of loving it.

 

[gymmomx2]

Is it typical in Canada for 6 yo to train 16 hrs/wk? Just asking, not judging

NO!!!! My daughter was doing 6 hours at that age.

 

[NutterButter]

If a child LOVES gymnastics, they need to understand that focus and listening to coaches are important parts of loving it.

True, but this is a very black/white take on it. There have been a few coaching changes at OP's gym with what sounds like a new (and possibly extreme?) coaching style from the new one. OP also says that she has never heard anything negative about her DD before. So right there, that raises more questions for me if this were my DD. It could be the OP's DD is showing her headstrong-self. Or it could be that she is not adapting to this coaching style. Both have different solutions.

 

[GymDad9.9]

True, but this is a very black/white take on it. There have been a few coaching changes at OP's gym with what sounds like a new (and possibly extreme?) coaching style from the new one. OP also says that she has never heard anything negative about her DD before. So right there, that raises more questions for me if this were my DD. It could be the OP's DD is showing her headstrong-self. Or it could be that she is not adapting to this coaching style. Both have different solutions.

I know. I was speaking generally. The Devil is always in the details.

 

[Alibri]

Thank you ALL for your responses. This has been very helpful in aiding me to sort this all out in my mind and is giving me a lot of ideas on how to approach this.

After I read back the part about my DD being one of the only ones who didn't come out of practice crying the other day, it did occur to me, as someone else pointed out, that it may have been because she WASN"T conditioning or stretching as hard as the others if she was off task during that time. I plan to stay at practice more often in the upcoming weeks to observe. It is so hard because they are off in the corner where parents can't see for at least half of every practice where they condition, stretch, and practice on the floor! I can see beam, bars and vault though, so I should be able to see a bit of what's happening.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about the coach that ended up getting fired. She was definitely not as strict as the original coach, and had the kids working in a much more "fun" way, that looked more like the way a rec class would run. I wonder if during those few weeks, my daughter (who is a smart cookie) caught on to the idea that she could mess around during practice. During that time I also noticed that she was not focusing on her form and I was worried about regression. I was actually glad that this new coach came in, even though so many transitions within a short period were hard, because her coaching style is more like the original coach. With the original coach, my daughter thrived on the structure and high expectations. That coach was tough and no-nonsense, and my daughter absolutely loved her. It is strange to me that my daughter is now not responding to a similar coaching style where she previously thrived less than two months ago. I do expect her to be respectful and try her best, so I am not OK with her current behavior at all, if it continues.

 

[Alibri]

What I mean is, I'm not OK with the reported behavior, if it is in fact true. I plan to see/find out how often it is occurring and when. The coach did say specifically when she is at stations, and that she keeps forgetting the directions for each station. It seems like the coach thinks this is because she wasn't listening when she gave instructions. Following multi-step directions isn't always developmentally appropriate for kindergarten-aged kiddos, but it seems like the coach is implying that my DD is the only one who wasn't on task at the stations. I also plan on trying to speak to my DD in a way that I can find out WHY she's not focusing like she used to. I suspect that it has a lot do do with all of the recent coaching transitions.

It is SO strange to be on the other side of this conversation for the first time! I have had similar conversations with MANY parents of students, since I am a teacher. It is certainly a yucky feeling!

 

[Melmouse]

Just a quick response...no it's not the norm in Canada to train 16 hours a week at her age. Most 6 years old's in our club train 6 hours a week. She is the only 6 year old at this time doing the 12 hour program at the club and also does 4 hours of additional fitness/conditioning to complement her training. She has a ton of energy and she enjoys to spend time in the gym doing what loves to do. I don't "push" her to do so many hours, she is self driven and is always asking for more hours.

 

[NutterButter]

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about the coach that ended up getting fired. She was definitely not as strict as the original coach, and had the kids working in a much more "fun" way, that looked more like the way a rec class would run. I wonder if during those few weeks, my daughter (who is a smart cookie) caught on to the idea that she could mess around during practice. During that time I also noticed that she was not focusing on her form and I was worried about regression. I was actually glad that this new coach came in, even though so many transitions within a short period were hard, because her coaching style is more like the original coach. With the original coach, my daughter thrived on the structure and high expectations. That coach was tough and no-nonsense, and my daughter absolutely loved her. It is strange to me that my daughter is now not responding to a similar coaching style where she previously thrived less than two months ago. I do expect her to be respectful and try her best, so I am not OK with her current behavior at all, if it continues.

A couple of thoughts on the bolded part...is the new coaching style really the same? I mean, conditioning 6 year olds to the point of tears just sounds extreme, unnecessary and definitely not fun. It could be that your DD connected with the old coach because even though she was tough and no-nonsense, it was still fun for your DD. The new coach with the style she should be familiar with may not be fun. It could be that the new coach is negative while the old was positive. There's a balance between the fun and working hard and it seems something is amiss for your DD now. This is what you gotta figure out.

Also, I remember your previous post where you were worried about regression with coach #2. One problem with being 6 and on pre-team/competing lower levels for any length of time is that often a kid doesn't know what they don't know. It is possible that once your DD experienced a different style that she realized how much she doesn't like the more strict approach? And now that she's with a new coach who has a stricter style that she just isn't having it? Again, more stuff for you to tease out with this situation.

 

[Alibri]

I hadn't approached the behavior question yet, but I did ask my DD last night if she still loves gymnastics and if she is still having fun. She enthusiastically said yes.

The crying at practice from the other girls was the first time this has occurred with this coach. One mom friend of mine commented on the hard-looking conditioning before the kids even came out, and another mom said she was upset that her DD came out crying. It didn't happen that way the next day.

To be honest, the crying did happen a few times with some girls with the original coach, especially when they were in the mini-preteam last year. My daughter has a tough skin and never cried, but I have honestly seen it before. I didn't really consider it to be a red flag, since it only happened rarely with some particularly young/sensitive kiddos, but perhaps I should have been concerned, and perhaps I should now even though my DD has never come out of practice with tears.

 

[triplethreat+1]

Keep in mind it could be different communication styles too... One of my dds' coaches barely ever has anything to tell me, where another coach always has little tidbits, like what event went well, that she conditioned hard, or occasionally that she was having a hard time focusing. If that's the new coach's style, it might not mean a whole lot, or that she sees your dd in a negative way.
That being said, all the other girls crying from conditioning and stretching seems not right...
I would watch for a few practices, give the coach the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was trying to get a feel for where the kids are at since they are new to her.

 

[triplethreat+1]

Oh and I agree, one or two kids crying isn't terrible, I definitely know a few that seem to do it to try and get out of putting in effort, or that are just frustrated by not doing as well as they want.

 

[SMH]

I will chime in with the 6 year olds will be 6 sentiment. My daughter just recently turned 7- she's an angel at school- but at gym she is just SO excited to be there she is a ball of energy (after keeping it in all day at school) and she's probably not as focused as she 'could' be. She only trains 7.5 hrs a week but would do more if she could. She's constantly bouncing around doing extra flips and jumps between stations. She cannot stay still. I know it will improve with she and try to not worry too much when I see another kid super focused. Her training group is younger and the coaches accept some level of silliness, but are also very good at snapping the kids back to attention. It's a balance.