Parents Child in DDs age group passed her out skill & performance wise, coach playing favorites

[ausnat83]

I think it's probably time for you to stop and re-define what success looks like in youth gymnastics (or any youth sport). There is so much I want my kids to get from their athletic activities that have nothing to do with scores and gymnastics skills... I want my daughter to learn confidence, persistence, how to set and pursue a goal and take pride in progress, how to cheer on teammates through good times and bad, how to take corrections, how to get back up after falls (literal or figurative), how to put in the daily work to achieve bigger things, personal responsibility and accountability, organization, time management, patience, joy in movement and exercise... and so much more. No matter how far she goes in gymnastics, she'll carry lifelong lessons into her future, and they'll be far more impactful than any competition placement or achieving x skill first in her group. My hovering, over-correcting, being judgmental, encouraging competition, and focusing on her scores or pace of skill acquisition are unlikely to further any of the things I want her to learn long-term - quite the opposite in all likelihood.

Youth sports should always be people first, athletes second, gymnasts (or x sport) third. Terrible things happen when the adults involved lose sight of that. How can you re-frame and adjust your involvement in your daughter's gymnastics so that you're fostering her development as a confident, kind, resilient person? Because if that aspect isn't successful, what do the scores matter anyways?

 

[NutterButter]

You are well on a path that will create irreparable damage to your relationship with your DD. You have some unhealthy ideas on what it means to be successful. You also have an unhealthy attitude about your role and relationship with the gym - specifically with other parents, athletes and the coaches. I know it seems like you should be able to influence your DD by reminding her to do corrections and 'helping' her with your presence in the gym but please take the advice from all the others here --- you don't have the kind of influence you think you have on your daughter's trajectory in the sport. Your actions now are not healthy and will be harmful to you daughter long term.

 

[beachgirl]

When my daughter first started in gymnastics almost 10 years ago I used to be worried that other girls were going to pass her by or were going to be better or that she wasn't going to get enough attention. I have watched the girl that was already ahead of her have a block going backwards at L7 and stay there for 3 years and then quit. I've seen her best friend do L7 while she did L6, yet her friend has now been in L9 for 3 years with tons of injuries. I've seen a girl that was in L2 when my daughter was in L6 compete L9 18 months later and L10 after doing gymnastics 3 years. I've seen parents pay for hours of privates a week for years, but their daughter is still progressing with the rest of the group she started with at L3. What I'm trying to say is you can't control what is going to happen, you will make yourself crazy, alienate a lot of people at the gym and make your daughter hate gymnastics. Think of it like Girl Scouts or some non-competitive activity and just let her enjoy herself.

 

[Sk8ermaiden]

Thank you for your honesty, I guess my main thing is that this little kid has passed her out skill wise & in the pecking order, I'm following all the advice on here but my worry is that by backing away & being clueless to what's happening, will she disimprove or not excel as quick as she would had I been present at the practices?

I'm sorry, this is going to be long. I tend to be long-winded anyway, but I have so been there.

My kid is the same way. But that kind of maturity and attention comes with time. If she enjoys it, she'll be more likely to stick with it long enough to mature and become focused. It really is a trade off. You can push her really hard right now and she can score a little bit higher but quit gym because it's not fun and too much pressure, or you can back up and let what happens happen, and she may get there on her own in time. There's a saying... "You can't want it more than they do" and man is it the truth. If I ask mine what her corrections were that day, she'll blow me off too. She doesn't want another coach. She tells me so much more when I ask less. I actually get the most information if I just say, "Wow, your XYZ looks so good!" She will tell me ALL about what the process has been.

This is probably the place this forum has been the most beneficial to me - I'm here because I like to learn about gymnastics, but Chalkbucket has been a steady whisper of "back off, back off, back off" in my ear since she was literally 5 years old. And it's not like I embraced it all at once - I absolutely cringe at some of the things I did in her first year of competition. Her second was better but I was still "helping" her with her corrections All The Time. (To be fair, she has ADHD and it was SO much easier for me to back off once we got it sorted.) But I tried to back off more every year, and I'm pretty happy with how things are at the moment. It helps a lot when you can trust their gym and coaches. Things were imploding last year and I had to be a lot more involved than I wanted to, to keep things from going completely off the rails. Now I can generally just sit back.

One thing one of her coaches said in her first competitive year stuck with me. A mom was fussing at her kid during practice for not putting in enough effort. And the coach came over and adressed her, but really all of us, and she said something like, "Every kid is not going to put in 100% effort every day. It's not realistic or sustainable. The girls will have days when they work hard, and days when they are not really feeling it, and that's OK." And I have tried to embrace that, because most people don't practice their sports, their hobbies or even their jobs with 100% effort every single day. And yes, it makes me CRAZY if there is a day when I can tell she is totally phoning it in. So I leave. I go to the store or something. It is amazing how easy it is to chill out about how your kid's practice is going when you're not there. I love to watch. I watch all the time. But if I start feeling like I want to fuss at my kid about how practice is going, I remove myself. I watched a woman at our old gym be the crazy gym mom to end all crazy gym moms and I made a promise to myself to never ever do that to my kid or our relationship. Please do not look at your own resident crazy gym mom and seek to emulate her!

Stick around and let us be that constant whisper for you too.

 

[Sk8ermaiden]

I'm worried about next weeks meet.... But in the words of Elsa I'll have to let it go! Other mom was there as usual. DD didn't comment about what gymnast was getting more turns etc ...
Jenny thank you! Yes I'm going to do that & I'm not going to coach from the sidelines at the competitions either! Sometimes I can be very critical if she underperforms at a meet, I know this has to stop.

I want to share from experience that it Does Not Matter if she scores lower that she could at the meets. I feel like my kid has a whole lot of talent and potential (because of course I do), and despite all that potential, she tends to be a fairly average performer at meets. She does not do poorly, but she rarely seems to do as well as she's capable of. And despite all my handwringing and desire to "help" her those first few years, it has not mattered one whit. She has still progressed at a good rate. She does well enough not to get discouraged. The fact that she has never won the all around has had zero impact on her progress in gymnastics. The girls on our team who outscore her have not progressed faster, and almost all of them have actually quit. And all of a sudden, 4 years later, she is KILLING IT in practice and I am so excited to see what she looks like in a meet.

All that time I was trying to make it happen for her and when it finally happened it was with zero mom coaching.

The critical after a meet thing definitely has to stop. I know it is SO hard, but I think it's one of the worst things we as parents can do. This article resonated with me. I try to be the same mom after every meet. I don't get over the top about podium finishes or high scores, or sad about meets with no medals or very low scores, because I don't want her to think her worth as a gymnast is tied to these things. Every meet earns her a hug, an I'm so proud of you, and a treat of her choice. I limit my comments to, "That split jump was amazing!" and "Your cast was SO high!" It's so awesome to see her light up and say "Really?!" vs. how it used to be when I would rehash her events on the car ride. Sometimes SHE will be upset about an event and it is SO easy to fall into the trap of "helping" her think about how to be better next time. Just don't. Full stop. Find something good to say about the routine, "Yeah, but your dismount was awesome! You'll get it next time." and change the subject.

 

[TumbleTimes4]

Please don’t damage your relationship with your child over a youth activity. Even if she were to make it all the way to elite, she would be done with gymnastics by her early twenties and you will have many more years together that won’t include gymnastics. You don’t want to drive a wedge and set a standard that you will only be happy if she is the best. It’s an impossible ask because there will always be someone better. And once she figured that out, she will resent you and will just stop at all. Driving her out of the sport could also drive you out of the other important parts of her life.

 

[skschlag]

Food for thought:

 

[momnipotent]

I saw this today and immediately thought of this thread:

I have been a swim coach for many years, and a swimmer myself for many more than that, but tonight I got to play my favorite role of all... Swim Mom! Clark had his first dual meet with his summer league and I helped out as a meet marshal.

When you have been involved in swimming in so many capacities, it can sometimes be hard to remember your place at any given event. This is especially hard when your place happens to be 'parent', which can often seem like the least important job of all. In my eyes, I see it as the opposite.

In the athlete-coach-parent relationship, it's crucial for the athlete to have a strong foundation of support from both their coach and their parent. I believe that those roles should be filled by separate people, and that the roles should be filled by the very best possible candidates. I might be the best swim coach on the planet, but there will never be a better candidate to fill my child's parent role than Erik and I. As tempting as it is to want to give feedback after a race, I never do. Clark knows he is to go see his coach first and me second. I will often ask him what his coach said, and usually admit that I agree with whatever feedback he received, but it is NOT my job to give him more than that. My job is to high five, give hugs, pat backs, wipe tears, and offer encouragement.

If I don't properly play my parent role, I am not only failing my kids but I am also failing their coaches. Correction is given knowing that that the unconditional love and support is coming on my end. When a coach is tough on my child and I don't do my part in building my child back up, he is constantly beaten down with no chance to rebound. There is a 0.0013% chance that my child will be an Olympic swimmer thanks to my extra coaching, but the chances of him resenting me for not supporting him properly as a child athlete are probably more like 99%.

It is SO liberating to let go of the burden or responsibility when my child has a bad race. I love that I don't have to have the hard conversations with him, knowing that I am about to cause tears or a blow to his self esteem. I get to be the good guy for him. It's awesome. Friends, don't miss out on that! It's too big of a gift to not enjoy. Wear the Swim Mom shirt, carry the tote bag of fun snacks, scream your lungs out from the stands, revel in your role as #1 parent to your child. Be their biggest fan not because you have to, but because you CAN!

 

[Gymmommy2524]

Momnipotent, thank you so much for posting this, it's exactly what I need to be reminded of... I'm feeling anxious about dd's meet this weekend, I find it so hard to back off & not interfere or sideline coach...
I haven't gone to her last 3 training sessions & I must admit it's a bit liberating not knowing what child good more goes, who's getting coaches special attention etc.,
DD has been asking why I'm not there & I've explained I need to to go shopping, get dinner organised etc & she replied but we're a team "like Jess (name change & her mommy)".... I don't get to go to all her meets due to my job so my hubby brings her, I'd like to go to this one but really need to reign it in...

 

[3rd_time_around]

Thank you for your honesty, I guess my main thing is that this little kid has passed her out skill wise & in the pecking order, I'm following all the advice on here but my worry is that by backing away & being clueless to what's happening, will she disimprove or not excel as quick as she would had I been present at the practices?

No, no, no. I think the problem is you are extremely jealous of this other girl’s abilities. Your daughter seems fine with everything, it’s you that is stressing. I feel your competitive nature, but you really need to stop obsessing over who’s the best. If your daughter is using her practice time wisely, she will be just fine. But, and I say this as kindly as possible, you need a time out.

 

[Gymmommy2524]

Yes I really do I don't want to miss this weekends meet as it's her last in her current age group & level, it has crossed my mind to stay away but I don't want to miss her competing especially as I have it requested off work.... she's competing against the other girl. I'd like to see her compete especially as I've been staying out of practice...

 

[RTT2]

Yes I really do I don't want to miss this weekends meet as it's her last in her current age group & level, it has crossed my mind to stay away but I don't want to miss her competing especially as I have it requested off work.... she's competing against the other girl. I'd like to see her compete especially as I've been staying out of practice...

Of course you don't want to miss her meet! Go and cheer her on, and don't compare her to the other kid. Just enjoy seeing her out there and be supportive no matter how it goes. She might beat the other girl, she might not. Either way it won't matter in the long run.

 

[Carly]

Yes I really do I don't want to miss this weekends meet as it's her last in her current age group & level, it has crossed my mind to stay away but I don't want to miss her competing especially as I have it requested off work.... she's competing against the other girl. I'd like to see her compete especially as I've been staying out of practice...

Go to the meet if you can especially if you can't always get to them. Focus solely on your dd and not anyone else. I know it is hard because the judges are judging them and the awards are the comparison. But just be there for your dd and treat her the same way whether she has her best meet ever or her worst.

Definitely skip practices as others have advised. I can't see how you being there will help her improve. It has to come from her with the help of the coaches. My dd's former gym has an incredible gymnast. She skipped a couple levels and has been a level 10 (highest US level, not elite) for 2 years and still has 4 more years of competing until college. Her parents rarely ever watched practice.

 

[Lilou]

I read through a lot of the posts here. Let me tell you something I've learned from being in this sport for a little while...the environment for parents is rough but you have to learn and adapt to it. My kids love gymnastics and have many big dreams like everyone else's too. I will continue to be their cheerleader, advocate when needed, and lay low most of the time too.

Often times, the child is plucked out of a rec class, because they are 'so flexible', 'so strong', 'have so much potential', etc... they phrase it like you have the next elite gymnast when they invite your child on Pre-team or team. So, from the start, parents often think they have a super talented kid and it sets you up for thinking they're going to be the best because they are extraordinarily talented. Fast forward 6-12 months into team, and you realize ALL of the kids on team were pretty much set up like this and all are talented.

The sport is truly a marathon, not a sprint and that means mentally as much as physically. The sport only gets more demanding as they move up levels. It's a attrition sport with kids quitting all of the time for various reasons. The hardest part I've had to realize and accept is that just because your child may be a level with a great group of friends, the following year, that group will most likely be broken up because not everyone moves together. But they may meet up again in a year or two. There are so many unknowns in this sport that you truly need to take it season by season. Injuries, growth spurts, mental games, parent involvement, simple life desires, etc.... can all shuffle around how fast a gymnast is progressing and what level and scores. In the end, it all doesn't matter! The comparison will eat away at you if you let it. Your gymnast has a healthy attitude about it so follow her lead. Do not coach her from the sidelines, just do not! I've seen champions quit (everyone was shocked) and others who were quietly average in compulsory levels soar into optionals. The path these kids take is all over the map, and each path is totally 100% ok. The sooner you can adopt this as truth, the better mentally you will feel with your child in this sport. Even Olympians and college gymnasts aren't always the best 100% of the time.

Enjoy your daughter's meet; support and encourage her but do not coach her with corrections. Just let her know you enjoy watching her. Give her a compliment. Building her up mentally will help her excel. Just be her cheerleader at the meet.

It you remove pressure from her, watch just a handful of practices but not with the same attitude, your daughter will go farther. Sometimes, I don't watch for months and let myself be surprised at meets how she's improved or what she's doing. She will have good months, struggle months, blah months, etc... and as long as the gym 'gets it' and more importantly you get it, she will be fine. That little one you're jealous of right now, will not be "on" forever either. The only thing you can do is support your child to be the best she can be on her own journey. (sorry that was long)

 

[OrchidZ]

I read through a lot of the posts here. Let me tell you something I've learned from being in this sport for a little while...the environment for parents is rough but you have to learn and adapt to it. My kids love gymnastics and have many big dreams like everyone else's too. I will continue to be their cheerleader, advocate when needed, and lay low most of the time too.

Often times, the child is plucked out of a rec class, because they are 'so flexible', 'so strong', 'have so much potential', etc... they phrase it like you have the next elite gymnast when they invite your child on Pre-team or team. So, from the start, parents often think they have a super talented kid and it sets you up for thinking they're going to be the best because they are extraordinarily talented. Fast forward 6-12 months into team, and you realize ALL of the kids on team were pretty much set up like this and all are talented.

The sport is truly a marathon, not a sprint and that means mentally as much as physically. The sport only gets more demanding as they move up levels. It's a attrition sport with kids quitting all of the time for various reasons. The hardest part I've had to realize and accept is that just because your child may be a level with a great group of friends, the following year, that group will most likely be broken up because not everyone moves together. But they may meet up again in a year or two. There are so many unknowns in this sport that you truly need to take it season by season. Injuries, growth spurts, mental games, parent involvement, simple life desires, etc.... can all shuffle around how fast a gymnast is progressing and what level and scores. In the end, it all doesn't matter! The comparison will eat away at you if you let it. Your gymnast has a healthy attitude about it so follow her lead. Do not coach her from the sidelines, just do not! I've seen champions quit (everyone was shocked) and others who were quietly average in compulsory levels soar into optionals. The path these kids take is all over the map, and each path is totally 100% ok. The sooner you can adopt this as truth, the better mentally you will feel with your child in this sport. Even Olympians and college gymnasts aren't always the best 100% of the time.

Enjoy your daughter's meet; support and encourage her but do not coach her with corrections. Just let her know you enjoy watching her. Give her a compliment. Building her up mentally will help her excel. Just be her cheerleader at the meet.

It you remove pressure from her, watch just a handful of practices but not with the same attitude, your daughter will go farther. Sometimes, I don't watch for months and let myself be surprised at meets how she's improved or what she's doing. She will have good months, struggle months, blah months, etc... and as long as the gym 'gets it' and more importantly you get it, she will be fine. That little one you're jealous of right now, will not be "on" forever either. The only thing you can do is support your child to be the best she can be on her own journey. (sorry that was long)

That was amazing. Well put.

 

[Lilou]

That was amazing. Well put.

Thank you. I feel like I could write a book at times on being a parent in the gymnastics world, and then I learn more. lol

 

[Flyaway]

I LOVE not going to practice. It's my favorite thing to be completely in the dark about dd's progress and then to see her at a meet and get to say afterwards, "WOW! I had no idea you could do "x"! That was AMAZING!" And you know what, she loves it too!

 

[Flippin'A]

Momnipotent, thank you so much for posting this, it's exactly what I need to be reminded of... I'm feeling anxious about dd's meet this weekend, I find it so hard to back off & not interfere or sideline coach...
I haven't gone to her last 3 training sessions & I must admit it's a bit liberating not knowing what child good more goes, who's getting coaches special attention etc.,
DD has been asking why I'm not there & I've explained I need to to go shopping, get dinner organised etc & she replied but we're a team "like Jess (name change & her mommy)".... I don't get to go to all her meets due to my job so my hubby brings her, I'd like to go to this one but really need to reign it in...

Actually, your DD and Jess are on a team together. Which means supporting one another through good times and bad, cheering each other on, and celebrating success together. Neither you nor the other mother are on that team. Nor are you coaching that team. Your role in her gymnastics is that of a parent: emotional support, a soft place to land, financial/practical support for things like gym fees and transportation, and being her biggest fan (you should absolutely attend her meets.) It might be good to remind her that she and this other girl are on the same team, just like the olympic gymnasts are teammates. It's primarily an individual sport but they're still a team.

 

[2G1B]

Several things... First, as has been pointed out, in her competitive gymnastics world, you are not on her team. Her teammates and her make up the team. You are part of the support. You are a fan, you are a facilitator, you are not a teammate. Neither is Jess's mom.

Next. And read this 5 times or more until you realize it is the truth... Your daughter will lose. She will lose on events and she will lose in all around. That is if in your definition winning only means winning 1st (or even 1st- 3rd). If you redefine winning to be things like, "tries her best", "was a good sport", "had fun", then she might not lose. But, there will be girls who are better than her. Some of these girls might have finished at the bottom of every meet last year and something clicked for them and this year they come in consistently at the top of the podium. Realize that even Simone Biles has not won every competition. Here are some of her scores, these don't even include compulsories. http://www.mymeetscores.com/gymnast.pl?gymnastid=164887

Even if in your head you aren't able to stop the competitiveness against other girls, you need to stop it from coming out of your mouth and out in your actions.

Finally, definitely go to her meet. No one here has suggested you not go to a meet, that is where us parents are supposed to be. The suggestions have been that due to your level of over-involvement in HER sport that you stop going to PRACTICES.

 

[Gymmommy2524]

Thank you for the post, I'm going to have to reread this whole thread & get more perspective, the advice has been brilliant & I really appreciate it.
DD has seemed fine & happy in practice without me. Last night's went well & she was very happy to chat about it. She was delighted with the praise she got from her coach re her beam wolf jumps.
She said she had fun with Jess & other girls & they worked hard together on drills.
Jess's mom still there taking notes & studying according to dd