Making daughter quit for lack of improvement?

[txgymfan]

If you don't think the money is the biggest issue what about the time? Is the sacrifice in family time, having you drive, having dd at the gym worth it to your family? What would you and she do with the time if she were not doing gym?

What about her education? Do you think she wil get a better education in the public school and have have fun with friends?

There are clearly so many issues involved. I do agree with the others that you should not make it dependant on her improving her scores. As Bog said, the money, time and other issues will be there if she improves or not.

 

[bookworm]

I have thought about the fact that the exercise is so good for her and a reason to stay in gymnastics alone. But, it seems that all of the teams around here expect so much from the girls. We are training 16 hours a week. That will go up to 20 hours in December as an optional gymnast. I know a few gyms expect less hours but I have heard that conditioning is so important for injury prevention that I am cautious to send her there. The higher level skills require more conditioning it seems.

I think that we would be willing to sacrifice the thousands of dollars necessary if we felt that our daughter was more committed to the sport. I am not sure it is wrong to set expectations for a gymnast and then hold them too it though. DH said she just had to improve a little and if she doesn't, why should we say "Oh, well?" I think in life if someone does not improve they get thrown off of the team, lose a job, etc. . . Maybe that is a harsh life lesson at age 11 but perhaps a good one. Granted, I really want her to improve at the last two meets coming up so we don't have to make this decision and we can say, "Great. You did it!"

This is the key phrase to me in all you have said..."if we felt our daughter were more committed to the sport"...Gymnastics is a ton of money and time...and to think you are investing all of this and she isn't really committed to the sport would be the deal breaker for me ...if you have to even question her committment to the sport , then it's not there and you should move on. I think in your heart you realize this and so so does your husband so rather than saying , you're done, he gives her a goal she probably won't attain and there'll be a more objective way out...

 

[MarR99]

If the main reason you're keeping her in gymnastics is because you hope she's going to get a college scholarship, don't.

I guess I am looking for the most realistic goal for her to shoot for at this point, but I know it is a long shot. Our gym has many girls getting scholarships and the coaches seemed to think that DD had a chance. Of course, they are going to say that to keep us paying the checks right? I guess it is hard for me to justify such a huge sacrifice unless the end result is more than exercise, friendships and self-esteem. All of those things are very valuable but there are other ways to achieve that without such a huge sacrifice for the entire family.

 

[gym law mom]

This is what I would suggest to possibly get a clearer picture before any decision is made. Have a sit down conference with her coaches. How do they see her progress? Where are her weaknesses/strengths? Do they feel she is committed in practice or spends more time chatting etc? At 11 yo that isn't at all uncommon.

Talk with dd about why she does gymnastics. If she raises friends as the 1st reason, yes I would be concerned. Ask her to eliminate friends from the whole situation and see what she comes up with. What are her goals? Discuss with her your concerns about her only wanting to be in the gym for the social aspect(don't bring up the not improving) and see what she says.

You mentioned there are some really top level girls at the gym so you dd appears average. If she stays there, she may always appear average---can you and dh live with that?

It may be time for one of those pro/con lists to help you make a decision.

 

[MarR99]

This is what I would suggest to possibly get a clearer picture before any decision is made. Have a sit down conference with her coaches. How do they see her progress? Where are her weaknesses/strengths? Do they feel she is committed in practice or spends more time chatting etc? At 11 yo that isn't at all uncommon.

Talk with dd about why she does gymnastics. If she raises friends as the 1st reason, yes I would be concerned. Ask her to eliminate friends from the whole situation and see what she comes up with. What are her goals? Discuss with her your concerns about her only wanting to be in the gym for the social aspect(don't bring up the not improving) and see what she says.

You mentioned there are some really top level girls at the gym so you dd appears average. If she stays there, she may always appear average---can you and dh live with that?

It may be time for one of those pro/con lists to help you make a decision.

Good advice. I think we will definitely have a talk with the coaches after the season. We have already had some small chats just to mention that we noticed her struggling on the two events. They are so positive that they say she is improving in gym and they don't seem too concerned with her scores at all. But again, we are paying their bills right?

I am going to tread lightly with DD during the next 4 weeks and see how the rest of the season ends then we will have a nice discussion and have her tell us why she wants to stay in the sport. Hopefully she will come up with more reasons then "I want to hang out with friends." If not, we will have our answer then won't we.

I will certainly update the page to keep you all posted.

 

[ek2]

Good advice. I think we will definitely have a talk with the coaches after the season. We have already had some small chats just to mention that we noticed her struggling on the two events. They are so positive that they say she is improving in gym and they don't seem too concerned with her scores at all. But again, we are paying their bills right?

I am going to tread lightly with DD during the next 4 weeks and see how the rest of the season ends then we will have a nice discussion and have her tell us why she wants to stay in the sport. Hopefully she will come up with more reasons then "I want to hang out with friends." If not, we will have our answer then won't we.

I will certainly update the page to keep you all posted.

My advice, if her coaches have confidence in her, she loves what she is doing AND if quitting would not be an issue if she was scoring better, I say let her compete level 7. So many things might be "different" this year. Different judges scoring harder on specific events, kids growing, new coaches etc. She is 11 and I would hope that at that age being around her friends WOULD be of primary importance to her. Expecting an 11 yr old to have grown up reasons for doing something is pretty rare most cannot see beyond the end of the week lol. Lastly, I really think you should not have her quit because you all do not like her progress or scores. The message it sends to her is that she was not good enough, she will carry that with her for a long time. I am sure you all are great parents. In this day and age everyone wants perfection and tangible results... many times that is not what you get. My only caveat to quitting is if she does not want to do it anymore then it is her decision. My dd had a team mate that rarely scored above a 35 in compulsories... even after repeating a level. She is now a beautiful optional gymnast and came in 4th at the level 7 state meet... AA was 37+. Something to think about.

 

[gymmomtoo]

I agree with ek2---level 7 is so different than level 6 (or 5). And your daughter will be a year older, so possibly more committed to the sport. And, honestly, if she's going 16 hrs a week, is homeschooling because of gymnastics, and doesn't complain about any of this, then I say she IS committing herself to the sport. My 13 yr old is a level 9 and, by your husband's standards, is doing great--but she would throw a FIT if I suggested pulling her out of school to concentrate more on gymnastics.

I also wanted to say that you are getting a really skewed view of her skills at the gym she's at. If she's getting 35s, then she's doing well. Try not to compare her to those around her. If her current coaches say she's good enough to move to level 7 after this season, then she IS improving.

If the money and time is a big issue and that's the real reason to have her quit gymnastics, then state that as the reason to her--don't make her think she isn't good enough so you (or your husband) won't pay for it anymore.

 

[cher062]

Reading some of your comments on our replys it seems that the improvement issue really isn't your issue. Honestly it seems like a family, money and time issue that you want to change but want a reason you can say to your DD hey you aren't doing well at this so we have to stop. I don't mean to be mean here. There are ALOT of gymnasts and famililies that have stopped gym because of time and money issues and honestly that reason is a better one to tell your daughter as to why she needs to stop competing than the you are not improving reason.

I really think based on what you posted you really should look into a Pre-Op option. It usually is much cheaper with alot less time commitment but still provides your DD with gymnastics she seems to love and the competition she seems to love as well. There are usually alot less meets and is a good fit for families struggling with financial issues, time commitment issues and wanting more free time with family to go on vacations. Please before you say stop to your DD check it out I think you will find its a great fit.

My DD is a L7 at 14 yo her 2nd year at it she is there 18 - 20 hours a week with a good 18 - 23 meets this season alone. It is her passion and she usually scores in the 34 - 36 range. She gets usually a medal on bars and maybe floor. I don't think I've seen a real vacation in 10 years as we had a son too on a competitive team. It defintily is a life style and one you do have to commit to and be patient with to see improvement. It's not for every family that is why there are so many other options out there for gymnastics. Rec Classes, Pre-Op, gym at the YMCA along with so many other option. It's also one of the BIGGEST reasons the L6 girls don't continue on to L7 so know you aren't the first to tred down this road and you won't be the last. The girls do find other avenues for sports - kids are resilent and bounce back.

Just make sure you really reflect as to what the real reasons are for pulling her. Don't make her feel like less than she is because she didn't show the amount of improvement you think she should have.

 

[Chocoholic]

This is a difficult decision. My daughter has never scored a 34 or higher all around. Our area may be scored a little differently as girls won at her level 4 and 5 meets with less than a 35 and nobody got a 37 or higher all around, but it never occurred to me to pull my daughter from the sport. Having said that, my daughter is an incredibly hard worker. She is super focused at practice and is always wanting to do her best. This is a sport of peaks and valleys so if she were in a rut, I would not care, but if she stopped working hard, that is something different altogether. If your daughter still loves the sport and works hard during practice then I wouldn't pull her for not improving her scores at meets. No child should be in this sport for a college scholarship. The odds against it are too great and the factors involved (injury, etc.) are beyond anyone's control.

Pulling her for the family's best interest is a whole different matter. If it is a financial strain, then maybe try to get a better sense of what the sport means to her so you can balance it more effectively. Maybe you should consider a return to public school, even if that means a more rigorous schedule for your daughter and perhaps a reduction in her gym hours. That would open up your time to work or devote to other pursuits and hold your daughter more responsible for making a greater commitment to continue her gym life. I would not home school my child for any sport so I do have my own bias here.

Good luck with the choice!

 

[MarR99]

If the money and time is a big issue and that's the real reason to have her quit gymnastics, then state that as the reason to her--don't make her think she isn't good enough so you (or your husband) won't pay for it anymore.

We would be willing to sacrifice the money and the time (we have so far!!) if we felt that she was bringing 100% but the reality is she is not learning to focus (or perhaps can't) and she seems to be more concerned about hanging out with friends at gym instead of improving. When she comes home from gym all she wants to talk about is what her friends said or did during break. I know she is 11 but she has teammates that are only 9 and scoring crazy scores of 37 and 38 all-around on a regular basis. If I had endless financial resources, and a personal limo driver to taxi her back and forth to gym, I probably would not be so frustrated and would relax about and not care.

I have always told her that we love her regardless of what she scores at gym! I also try to encourage her to have other interest outside of the sport and she has many other talents. I don't want her to feel like she is not "good enough" but maybe her effort isn't good enough for us to keep investing so much in. IMHO

 

[emorymom]

Well, I think right this minute with my 8 year old, if she was only going to gym to see her friends, I would consider finding something she liked better.

But at 11 ... well, what do you see the next few years like, between say, 12-15, if she quits? 'Cause maybe this is a pretty good peer group to be bonded to, given what's out there.

Maybe there is a way to cut down on the cost to the family. Maybe the gym will give you a job while she works out. Maybe there is a carpool on the horizon.

Or if you want to convince DH, tell him she's not going to have any time to date if this gym stuff keeps up.

 

[MarR99]

Or if you want to convince DH, tell him she's not going to have any time to date if this gym stuff keeps up.

Ok. I am convinced. She needs to stay.

 

[sportyspice]

I do understand your questioning all this! I do regularly and have to come back to what my heart feels is true. We do not have crystal balls to predict our child's future and you never know you may not be producing an olympic gymnast but actually an olympic coach!


This is actually 4 sports in one and your daughter has improved in 2 of those sports! I think your coaches have good reason to be happy with her as they also understand the peaks and valleys and that continual improvement year in and year out is not practical in this sport.

This world is very focussed on tangible results etc when in fact it is often the intangible aspects of life which makes somebody special.

 

[coachmolly]

It sounds like there is a lot going on here and previous posters have offered some really great advice. I think it would be good to meet with your DDs coaches and discuss their goals for her and her progress. It could be that they have been focusing more on uptraining than level 6 skills causing her to lose some of the polish on the little things in the level 6 routines. It could also be that she's growing or tougher judging this season in your area. So talking to the coaches should help you figure out how much progress is actually being made. And if she has the skills needed to compete level 7 starting in January, it seems she has been making at least some progress. Level 7 skills aren't easy to get competition ready.
I would also sit down as a family to discuss the pros and cons of gymnastics. Your DD not improving is no reason to pull her from the sport, but a lack of dedication to an expensive sport definitely is. Ask her what she loves about gymnastics and reasons for staying involved and reasons for leaving. Then you can discuss if those good things can be achieved elsewhere. If it's the learning skills, competing, improving type things- those probably can't be found elsewhere. If it's purely about friends, that definitely can be found in going back to school or other more cost-friendly sports and activities.
Money worries and missing out on family time are huge issues, both which are more important than gymnastics. And if your DD isn't loving what she's doing, it probably is time for a change. If her life would not be the same without gymnastics, that choice won't be as easy. If gymnastics is what she absolutely loves, then maybe looking at your schedules and finances and doing some small tweaking you can make it work best for your family- 1 less day in the gym, leaving practice an hour early, skipping the farther away meets/those that require hotel stays, those kinds of things. It's a tough place to be in and I think it really needs to be discussed with the entire family.

 

[cher062]

don't want to head down the home school vs non home school debate. I say do what works for you and your family. I have seen both options work great and both options leave something to be desired.

 

[MarR99]

It sounds like there is a lot going on here and previous posters have offered some really great advice. I think it would be good to meet with your DDs coaches and discuss their goals for her and her progress. It could be that they have been focusing more on uptraining than level 6 skills causing her to lose some of the polish on the little things in the level 6 routines. It could also be that she's growing or tougher judging this season in your area. So talking to the coaches should help you figure out how much progress is actually being made. And if she has the skills needed to compete level 7 starting in January, it seems she has been making at least some progress.

This gym does seem to excel more at the optional level than the compulsory. There are still some amazing scores for the lower level, but you might be right that they are trying to work on higher level things and not polishing the lower level skills. I will definitely mention that to DH.

They were not planning on having her compete in January. They have all the girls wait until the following year, even if they are ready (My dd does not seem ready since she can't even seem to get her cast handstand at all yet) and they said that they will compete them at one level 7 meet then move them up to level 8 if their skills are ready.

That is part of the reason we are hesitant. It will take an entire year to reevaluate where she stands because she won't be competing for over one year.

I know it is not all about competition, but that is a huge part of it. It is not called a "competitive sport" for no reason.

 

[Mom2Brats]

I don't know if I can add much to the discussion except

(1) I feel your pain. It's an expensive sport, my gymnast is the oldest, so the two younger siblings spend a lot of time in the car that they would probably prefer to be playing or something and I started homeschooling last year because I felt like something had to go. Our family as a whole has become some wound up in gymnastics that it's hard to imagine stopping. But I think that if I didn't feel like Allison was 100% dedicated, it would be a lot harder for me to keep doing it.

(2) I didn't read every word or everyone's posts but didn't see it suggested that another reason for the lack of increase in scores could be the change of coaching. I know that when our gym got new coaches last year (the same time as we moved in), they sent a lot of the optional girls back to working on round-offs because they didn't feel like the base was there for more advanced tumbling. It's entirely possible that they could be teaching her a slightly different way of doing her basic skills because they are prepping her for optionals and and not as worried about her compulsory skills.

 

[MarR99]

I didn't read every word or everyone's posts but didn't see it suggested that another reason for the lack of increase in scores could be the change of coaching. I know that when our gym got new coaches last year (the same time as we moved in), they sent a lot of the optional girls back to working on round-offs because they didn't feel like the base was there for more advanced tumbling. It's entirely possible that they could be teaching her a slightly different way of doing her basic skills because they are prepping her for optionals and and not as worried about her compulsory skills.

I thought about the fact that she has new coaches and that could affect her scores this year. There was one other girl that changed to this gym at the same time though (from a different gym) and she has been doing much better than my dd so I am not sure what that means. (They both had very similar scores last year and are both repeating level 6) I know every gymnast is different and has a different path though.

 

[gymcoach26]

don't want to head down the home school vs non home school debate. I say do what works for you and your family. I have seen both options work great and both options leave something to be desired.

This was one of the first thoughts that came to my mind when reading too. At 11 years old, this is a time in a child's life they begin wanting more of a social group and peer influence rather than mom and dad. Other then gymnastics, when else does she get social time with peers? If she were in school with peers all day, perhaps her first response for gymnastics would not be social (as she would be fulfilling this need somewhere else). Just my opinion from experience, in no way am I judging homeschooling.

 

[MarR99]

Please don't believe that a girl HAS to be a level 10 by freshman year in high school. There is no 'ideal" path. I personally know several girls who are now have full ride college gymnastics scholarships who did not reach level 10 until their junior or senior year.
And as one of the previous posters pointed out, it is great exercise and a good way to keep them occupied. As long as they love the sport and are not goofing off and wasting the coaches time, I say leave them in the sport.

It is encouraging to know that there might be a little more time for dd to improve then. And, the coaches have not complained yet. I guess if she was distracting the other gymnasts they would probably let me know.

After thinking about some of the posts on here I think maybe if I am honest with myself there is a part of me and DH that does want an excuse to force her to quit since it is very overwhelming for our family to keep the pace we are on. But, I do think that I would have more enthusiasm about the time and money we are putting into the sport if we saw more results during the competition season. When I am driving the sometimes 2 hour round trip to gym, or writing another big check I could console myself with the fact that dd was doing so well at something. Can anyone blame me for that?