Making daughter quit for lack of improvement?

[MarR99]

This was one of the first thoughts that came to my mind when reading too. At 11 years old, this is a time in a child's life they begin wanting more of a social group and peer influence rather than mom and dad. Other then gymnastics, when else does she get social time with peers? If she were in school with peers all day, perhaps her first response for gymnastics would not be social (as she would be fulfilling this need somewhere else). Just my opinion from experience, in no way am I judging homeschooling.

We are doing more of a "hybrid" home-school. DD still goes to a local school twice a week for science labs, art class, speech class etc. Also, we are very active in our church on Sunday and she has many friends there as well. Tomorrow we are going on a field trip in the morning with two other kids (not from gymnastics but from her home-school) DD loves to talk too much and is doing better homeschooling than she was in regular school. Her test scores are up thanks to less distractions. I miss the time to myself more than she misses her friends and one of the reason she gave me for not wanting to quit gymnastics (besides her main reason for missing her friends at gym) was "Then I would have to go back to regular school." Hmmmm. Maybe I have made it too nice for her?

 

[UnoMas]

. But, I do think that I would have more enthusiasm about the time and money we are putting into the sport if we saw more results during the competition season. When I am driving the sometimes 2 hour round trip to gym, or writing another big check I could console myself with the fact that dd was doing so well at something. Can anyone blame me for that?

I can feel your pain here...but would also encourage you to think about altering your perception of "doing so well". I have 3 girls in gymnastics, 2 on the team and my oldest has been doing gym for almost 5 years. For the past 2-3 years, much of life has been consumed by gymnastics just because of the hours that the two team gymmies have to be there, the competing 2 sessions each meet, etc. I am now working more hours than I have in several years so that I can pay for gymnastics and dance. Gymnastics...while it is NOT life can FEEL like life sometimes when you are running the finances and the taxi! When you have spent hundreds of dollars and a whole weekend on traveling to a meet and they finish 16th or something like that, it can be a bit unsatisfying. I get it.

However, I have had a revelation of sorts in the past year or so. I used to be very interested in placements, scores, all of that, waiting for DD to FINALLY win that 1st AA or 1st on bars or whatever. For her to be the superstar. Well, I've kind of come to the conclusion that my DD's are not superstar 1st AA (or 1st anything for that matter) type gymnasts. But that does NOT mean that they are not doing "really well" at gymnastics. The skills that they are doing are amazing...and they have taken so much perseverance and persistence to accomplish. I certainly couldn't so what they are doing, and neither can 95% of their classmates, friends (non gym of course), etc. My girls are amazing and I will not think of them as anything but amazing! (Of course I still like to see them improve and do well, as any parent would). So, I try my very best to measure their success and improvement against themselves and not against the girls who seem to pull 37's without too much trouble! It's hard, but it's really helped in my attitude towards gymnastics as a whole.

Our schedule and pace is exhausting too and I can certainly understand being tired and wanting to be done...or to have a reason to be done. But I do think that a safe, fun gym is a GREAT place for a preteen to spend a lot of her time as long as she is happy and loving what she is doing (and also working on gymnastics ). I would MUCH rather have my girls too busy with gym than have too much free time on their hands!! I remind my husband of that all the time.

Anyway, just wanted to give you a couple things to think about...from one mom to another.

 

[Chocoholic]

Just throwing this out there, but has your daughter ever been evaluated for attention deficit disorder? It sounds like from her school and gym experience that she gets distracted pretty easily. She may just be a super social child, I'm not suggesting anything by it, just wondering if ADD could play a role.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

Mmmm. darling husband is certainly impatient and doesn't understand gymnastics. 11 is a critical age, and by 13 you know what you got. yep, costs money. yep, all that time in the car. yep, all that sacrifice.

11 year olds hardly no anything...let alone what they are doing in gymnastics and let alone where they can go with it. she needs more time. like 2 years. that's all.

 

[Pickle's Mom]

Reasons my husband wishes Pickle would quit gymnastics:
1. Cost
2. Time commitment
3. Lack of family dinners
4. Competitive gym puts too much emphasis on winning

Reasons why I wish Pickle would quit gymnastics:
1. Cost
2. Fear of lifelong injury
3. No time to pursue other activities
4. Would prefer a sport that doesn’t end for most girls at 18

Reasons why we let her continue:
1. She really, really loves it
2. When she steps into the gym, she feels like she belongs
3. She’s learned that with hard work, it’s amazing what she can achieve
4. She has zen-moments where she completely loses herself in the activity (which is hard for someone as analytical as Pickle)
5. She has non-family adults who have taken an interest in her as she’s growing up and give her sound advice
6. She’s learning to handle stress in positive ways
7. She is so beautifully strong that sometimes it makes my smile just watching her complete a relatively simple skill
8. We’ve all made friends at the gym

For us, the positives outweigh the negatives. You say your daughter doesn’t want to quit gym because “she’ll miss her friends…â€￾, but perhaps that’s her way of verbalizing some deeper needs that are being met through gymnastics.

 

[gymmomof1]

Pickle's mom you stuck the landing for me . I totally feel that way too. Its a hard sport and how you measure success may be different from the next parent. I would also consider pre-op ( in nj it's joga) which many girls at the high school level do. It is less of time/money factor but still wonderful gymnastic skills happen and Dd can do other things too.

 

[AlexsGymmyMom]

Pickles Mom hit the nail on the head!! My DD will NEVER and I mean NEVER be the standout gymnast for her team, but the fact that she has learned perserverence and patience and how great it feals to overcome fears + all the other life lessons gym has taught her make her a standout in my eyes!! All gymnasts have plateaus where it seems they are not progressing but as another members sig says.....Gymnastics is a marathon not a sprint!!

Best of luck to you and your dd!!

 

[jago]

MarR99

Since your DD's gym will not compete current L6 gymnasts as new L7's this January, you have a year with no meet entry fees, coach assessments, new competition leo/warmups, related travel costs, etc for an entire year. Only tuition. That should ease part of your concerns and hopefully allow more time to come to a decision while under less pressure.

Remember that your DD may not really be able to completely and fully communicate with you all of the benefits she experiences through and because of gymnastics.

Trust her coaches when they let you know that she is progressing!

I do understand the pressure is not financial alone, but also a matter of time and energy.

 

[bribri514]

All the college/scholarship related posts have been moved to the College/NCAA section of the forum! I tried to make sure I didn't move any posts that are better off here, but if you disagree just let me know and I'll fix them. Sorry for going off topic everyone!

 

[MarR99]

MarR99

Since your DD's gym will not compete current L6 gymnasts as new L7's this January, you have a year with no meet entry fees, coach assessments, new competition leo/warmups, related travel costs, etc for an entire year. Only tuition. That should ease part of your concerns and hopefully allow more time to come to a decision while under less pressure.

Remember that your DD may not really be able to completely and fully communicate with you all of the benefits she experiences through and because of gymnastics.

Trust her coaches when they let you know that she is progressing!

I do understand the pressure is not financial alone, but also a matter of time and energy.

I know that we have a year off from meet fees, but they collect some of the meet fees (it was $675 this year) for the optional team before the end of the year (in November for the January meets.) Also, dd will need new warm ups and a new competition leo. Our gym has really nice ones at a cost of $475 for both. They order them in the Fall for the next year. Also, our gym charges $500 for floor choreography. They will ask for that in the Summer. So, without even competing we will have to shell out $1700 before the end of next year for these things. That is not even adding the $350 a month (With an additional $200 per month in the Summer for extra hours) and then the $200 for gas driving to and from gym each month for a grand total of about $8700 without a single meet. Maybe my gym is more expensive than others!? Our monthly fees seem pretty average though.

 

[flippin out]

Reasons my husband wishes Pickle would quit gymnastics:
1. Cost
2. Time commitment
3. Lack of family dinners
4. Competitive gym puts too much emphasis on winning

Reasons why I wish Pickle would quit gymnastics:
1. Cost
2. Fear of lifelong injury
3. No time to pursue other activities
4. Would prefer a sport that doesn’t end for most girls at 18

Reasons why we let her continue:
1. She really, really loves it
2. When she steps into the gym, she feels like she belongs
3. She’s learned that with hard work, it’s amazing what she can achieve
4. She has zen-moments where she completely loses herself in the activity (which is hard for someone as analytical as Pickle)
5. She has non-family adults who have taken an interest in her as she’s growing up and give her sound advice
6. She’s learning to handle stress in positive ways
7. She is so beautifully strong that sometimes it makes my smile just watching her complete a relatively simple skill
8. We’ve all made friends at the gym

For us, the positives outweigh the negatives. You say your daughter doesn’t want to quit gym because “she’ll miss her friends…”, but perhaps that’s her way of verbalizing some deeper needs that are being met through gymnastics.

Wow! LOVE this post.

 

[jago]

So when you tell your DD that this will be her last season of gymnastics, please don't tell her (or even imply) that it is because of HER and a perceived "lack of improvement" when it is actually due to financial reasons. That would be both inaccurate and an unfair burden to place on a young child. I am sure that she has been fulfilling her end of the committment. Gymnastics is a very, very difficult sport. Level 6 skills are not easy.

If you want make comparisons, compare her to neighborhood and church friends of the same age. Do they have the same fitness level as your daughter? Flip and tumble through the air? Condition their bodies with the same dedication and enjoyment? I seem to recall in a previous post that you seldom watch more than a half hour of your DD's workouts ("too boring"). I believe that if more parents occasionally watched their children practice (occasionally-not always!), they would have a greater appreciation for what it takes to be a gymnast.


I'm always in awe as I watch all of the gymmies -- L4 & up!!

 

[MarR99]

So when you tell your DD that this will be her last season of gymnastics, please don't tell her (or even imply) that it is because of HER and a perceived "lack of improvement" when it is actually due to financial reasons. That would be both inaccurate and an unfair burden to place on a young child. I am sure that she has been fulfilling her end of the committment. Gymnastics is a very, very difficult sport. Level 6 skills are not easy.

But DH has said that if her scores are better at Sectionals and at State he will let her continue and is more than willing to keep paying for it. So, the ball is in dd's court now. Why is it wrong for us to tell her, "You had a year to improve and you did not work on your skills so we are done paying like we told you?" It is not like DH is expecting her to have all gold medals (or any medals) She just needs to move her 8.0 scores up to 8.25 on average (or 8.5 up to 8.75 etc...) DD was complaining about being pushed and has a tendency to goof off, not listen to corrections, talk, say she does not want to try skills etc. If she is not taking the sport seriously, it is disrespectful to us as parents and to the amount of time and money we are investing in it for her and I think that she should realize that it IS because of HER. DH is not making her quit because of the money. He is just saying that she needs to bring a certain level of commitment in order for him to continue to support her. I know it seems harsh, but I can't really argue with him. I feel like he might actually be right about this, even though it does hurt. I want to just give in and let her keep on going and see what the year brings. But maybe this is a good life lesson for her, even though it is a really tough one for an 11 year old to deal with. IMO

 

[bribri514]

Just remember scoring in gymnastics is sooo subjective. It's not fair to have her future in gymnastics based on something that is different from judge to judge or meet to meet where she might not place well at a meet because of one judge. Also remember gymnastics skills aren't easy to do. It's one thing to tell a soccer player to get more goals but to tell a gymnast, get your flyaways and get them competition ready in x time, is way different. Some girls just can't do certain skills well, especially at compulsoraries. Some of the best gymnasts I know were eh L5s and L6s and amazing optional gymnasts. Each girl has different strengths. Your DD might be one of those girls who just blossoms at L 7, it's not uncommon at all. If you want to make it about what she's doing, base it on her effort. Regardless of her scores if she puts 100% in every conditioning set at practice, if she goes to every practice and doesn't take extra water breaks to talk to friends or something she does that you think she's doing that hurts her performance.

It's just unfair to tell her she has to do something to stay in gymnastics but it's something she has no control over. Make it about something she DOES have control about and that might be different. Would that work in your situation?

 

[MarR99]

I understand that scoring is subjective. However, most of the judges in our circuit are the same as last year. Also, we can tell just from watching her that she looks sloppy and is being very careless. Even her attitude is nonchalant. We have seen her performance vary so much even in the past 6 meets that we wonder what is going on. She makes excuses for low scores, my hamster bit my finger, (ok maybe that was valid) my hair bun fell out (made sure to tighten it the next meet) I was hungry (I asked her to eat before the meet and packed snacks but she did not eat them) I had to pee (we made sure she had a potty break the next meet before even warming up) and finally last meet there was not a single excuse and she still scored low and looked very weak on bars. I was worried she would not even pull herself up at all. She scored a 8.125. She was getting an 8.950 last year. Granted, she had a meet this year where she scored that high again and overall was a little better on average but if she is getting worse on things after an entire year why should we keep saying, "Oh well. We don't really care." I think I would be more encouraging if I really felt like dd was trying her hardest. I think she is just taking it all to causally and not fully committed though.

 

[jago]

Just to clarify ---

I fully understand the financial impact of gymnastics as the chosen sport. Believe Me! I don't mean to diminish the importance of this as a consideration when making family decisions. Just be honest with yourself and your DD about the reasons behind the decision.

 

[MarR99]

Just to clarify ---

I fully understand the financial impact of gymnastics as the chosen sport. Believe Me! I don't mean to diminish the importance of this as a consideration when making family decisions. Just be honest with yourself and your DD about the reasons behind the decision.

The money is an issue, but I honestly don't feel it is our main issue here at all. Like I have said, DH would be willing to keep paying IF dd was showing commitment and improvement.

 

[bribri514]

So her apathy seems to be the biggest issue then. I think it's very valid for you to want her to work hard if you're investing so much. Have you sat her down and had an honest talk with her? About your finances, the impact gym has on the family, her work ethic, whether she likes it or not... Sorry if you've said you have and I missed the post, but if you haven't, this can be a major wake up call. She might snap back into shape as a term or she might tell you she doesn't want to do gymnastics anymore. A lot of girls stay in it because they think their parents have invested sooo much they don't want to let them down. My mom sat me down and had a somewhat similar talk when I was in trying for elite. It wasn't a work issue problem but it was an honest talk with me for the first time about the sacrifices that were made for my gym. She didn't make me feel guilty or anything at all, and I was old enough to finally understand all this, but it also opened up my eyes a bit.

If that doesn't work, give her an ultimatum about her work ethic in gym. I just don't think placement or scores are the right way to monitor this. What if she scores 36, 37 in the AA but has been slacking. What if she's been working her butt off but only gets 34 and she has to quit. Does that make sense? And you don't want to send the message to your kids that only scores matter, I know friends who had that and they're okay with cheating in school since only the grades matter and other stuff. I'm not saying you're teaching that at all! I think you have a really valid concern knowing more details of your situation now. I just really would recommend a different way to measure her commitment than scores that's all!

 

[MarR99]

We have mentioned the attitude and work ethic. DD just gets defensive so it never seems to go anywhere. We have mentioned the sacrifice on the family and she says she appreciates all we are doing for her so that is why part of me feels bad even threatening to pull her out. There have been many times I have mentioned her going back to "normal school" or telling her when she did not feel like going to gym that she could quit. She would then get really mad and say she doesn't want to quit.

I know that the scores are not the only thing to use as a measuring stick. I guess DH thought it was something that he could use to justify the decision though. I know that in other sports stats are used to measure how good athletes are, and let's face it, the scores do matter in gymnastics too, especially the higher up one goes. I would think that colleges (here we go again) would not even look at a gymnast with scores too low on average so there does come a point where the scores do matter. Maybe that is not at level 6, but I can see why DH is choosing to look at that. And in our situation, DD is repeating the same level for the second year so it is not like we are comparing a level 5 season to a level 6 season. We are comparing the same level.

 

[MarR99]

So her apathy seems to be the biggest issue then.

Yes. Maybe she is apathetic. DD is a good little actress though. She acts like she is SO passionate about gym and would never want to quit and she training so hard so I want to believe her, but then I see how she does not seem to really focus and just wants to goof off with friends than really train hard. It is hard to tell though, really.