Parents Meeting with Coaches - How to help daughter with Frustration

[Blazing15]

We had our Conference with our coaches last night about weather DD is ready for team or not. 4 out of 5 coaches said no because she has lots of frustration and attitude when she doesn't get skills. She also lays on the floor sometimes and doesn't want to do skills. There are days where she does excellent in the gym and then there are days that aren't so good. She turned 7 in October. She says she really wants to do team but they told her they can't have a child that doesn't want to listen and gets easily frustrated on the team they don't have time to deal with that with all the other girls. Very understandable. I'm not sure if she gets the whole concept or not. They told her she has about a month and a half to show them they she really wants this. That means no tantrums, no freaking out, no telling coaches no, no timeouts or she doesn't make team. Skill wise she is good. She needs to work on a couple things.

Is there anything we can do as parents to help her with her frustration in the gym? Or do we just wait it out and see if she messes up and doesn't make team and then go from there? They told her that if she doesn't make team she has two options. 1. Do another year of pre-team or 2 Gymnastics is not for her. If we ask her she says that gymnastics is all that she wants to do but I as a parent can't not have her disrespecting coaches and not listening to them in class. Any suggestions.

 

[emorymom]

Is this behavior gym behavior only or do you see it at home or in other activities?

 

[Blazing15]

She does do it at home. (sometimes) We do try to nip it in the butt when she acts like that and tell her it will not be tolerated. She only does gymanastics. She wanted to do cheerleading but it would conflict with gymnastics so she said she wanted to do gymnastics over cheerleading.

 

[bogwoppit]

I am thinking that the natural consequences of her actions are the best way for her to learn. The coaches told her what they want to see, she has 6 weeks to show them that she has the ability to be the type of team kid they want. SO she either steps up to the challenge or she doesn't.

Either way should be fine, as gymnastics isn't over if she isn't ready for team yet, there is always next year. My youngest probably wouldn't have been on team at other gyms as she too is a little strong willed and even at 11 would make her coach aware that she wasn't into doing certain things. The coach, after 7 years, totally gets her and so would work around. But she did not progress the way other gymnasts did and in the end quit recently.

Not every kid is cut out for team, no matter how much they want it. At the end of the day she has to want it badly enough to behave the way they want her to. Otherwise she gets nothing.

I am not sure what you can do to help as she is in control (or not) of her actions, and the coaches set the team parameters!

 

[Blazing15]

That's kinda what I was telling my husband. It's to the point where we can't do anything for her now it's all up to her. If she really wants it then she needs to show that and if not then that's up to her too. We did tell her that if she wasn't having fun in gymnastics anymore and didn't like it anymore then to let us know and we can take her out.

 

[nevertooold]

Make sure she has the tools to be successful.

Talk with her. Isolate each inappropriate behavior and try to ascertain the cause and reason behind the behavior. Provide her other appropriate behavior options. Role play at home potential gym scenarios where she behaves inappropriately so she can practice appropriate behavior.

For instance if she rolls on the floor while waiting in line you could teach her to occupy her mind with self talk "right now there are 4 girls in front of me and 2 behind me, now I'm going to count to 20, now there are 3 girls in front of me... Now there is only one girl in front of me, time to focus, time to get ready, etc"

Give her other word choices besides telling the coach "no". I'm afraid, I don't understand, can you help me?, etc.

For some kids it is not enough to know WHAT they are supposed to do, they needs tips on HOW to do it. How do a stay in line when my body says drop and roll?

Ultimately it will be up to her to sink or swim. You can toss her off the dock and watch her struggle or you can give her "swimming" lessons.

 

[Blazing15]

Thanks Nevertooold some of the stuff you said sound good. I will try to talk with her on the scenarios. Cause yes one of the things is the standing in line she likes to do forward rolls. LOL man you sure you don't know my daughter. I will have to print off this page and give her some of the examples. She has a private lesson on Friday on bars and then she has regular class on Saturday. The coaches did tell her that they would be watching. The weird thing is that there is 1 coach that she doesn't act like this with. She was also in the meeting and told her she needs to treat each coach the same.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

sounds like 'difficult character'. kids with difficult character make great athletes...eventually. she's yound and needs more time.

 

[Blazing15]

Thanks Dunno. We will just see what she does with it. It might just take her some time. If she doesn't make team this year I'm not gonna freak out over it maybe she just needs the time to mature and learn how to work out her frustrations.

 

[Blazing15]

So another quick question. Let's say she doesn't make team and has to redo preteam. I don't know If I see her being worse because she will way ahead of the other girls coming in Preteam and it will make her even more frustrated that she is learning the same stuff right now that she almost has mastered except a few and gets bored with it or if she will use it to actually help develop herself even more. I'm not sure if even if she has all her skills that the new girls are coming in to learn if they will uptrain her for other skills or not. Do most gyms try to if they are way ahead of the others?

 

[10.0]

Go over each bad behavior and what she needs to be doing instead like Nevertold said, but then make sure you remind her of the expected behavior each and every time before practice. Good behavior has to be learned just like a kip, it takes time and practice.

 

[gymjoy]

Nevertooold's suggestions are great!! And I have used some of them with my son who sound similar to your dd, especially the laying on the floor thing in order to avoid doing something.
Here are some examples of how we have worked with my son. If he pulled the laying down thing during his tennis lesson's I asked the coach to ignore him. If he was in the way the coach would tell him to move out of the other boys way. The natural consequence was he missed out a playing tennis which he loves. If it happened during his piano lesson, the lesson was over for the day, even if he had only been there five minutes. His piano teacher would express her disappointment, but stand firm without being mean. His school teachers (we homeschool, but do some school like classes with a charter school) would ask him to go to the office or sit out of the way until he was ready to rejoin the activity. Eventually my son would get up and rejoin whatever class he was at.

From there we moved on to giving him a time limit on these episodes. I worked with him a lot at home, and found that these episode were brought on out of frustration and feeling like he couldn't talk to the coach (or teacher, or me!), or that when he did speak up, that he was not being listened to. Saying no and refusing to do things was the only defense he could come up with when he could not solve a problem by himself. We worked, and still work, on using the right words in the right ways at the right times as Nevertooold suggested above. He is not perfect. He is still shy. He still acts out a bit when frustrated. It is an everyday struggle for my little introvert to be out in the world, but he's making it work for him. I talk to all his coaches and teachers about his personality all the time. They have all graciously and willingly worked with me and with my son. As he has matured we all communicate and push him forward. They all know to ask leading questions to get my son to express his frustrations, they all know him well enough to, most of the time, head off growing frustration before it boils over. Sometimes, they and I push him just past that point (his tennis coach loves doing this!!).

I sounds like your dd is surrounded by coaches who are willing to communicate and to work with your and her. That's a great thing. Good luck to you and your dd. (sorry about rambling on about my son...)

 

[lilgymmie7]

Make sure she has the tools to be successful.

Talk with her. Isolate each inappropriate behavior and try to ascertain the cause and reason behind the behavior. Provide her other appropriate behavior options. Role play at home potential gym scenarios where she behaves inappropriately so she can practice appropriate behavior.

For instance if she rolls on the floor while waiting in line you could teach her to occupy her mind with self talk "right now there are 4 girls in front of me and 2 behind me, now I'm going to count to 20, now there are 3 girls in front of me... Now there is only one girl in front of me, time to focus, time to get ready, etc"

Give her other word choices besides telling the coach "no". I'm afraid, I don't understand, can you help me?, etc.

For some kids it is not enough to know WHAT they are supposed to do, they needs tips on HOW to do it. How do a stay in line when my body says drop and roll?

Ultimately it will be up to her to sink or swim. You can toss her off the dock and watch her struggle or you can give her "swimming" lessons.

This is all great advice! In the long run, whatever sport/activity a child is involved with should be viewed as a tool/avenue to teach/learn valuable life lessons. Teaching her the "how" to behave/listen/respect at the gym will most definitely carry over into all facets of her life. At 7, she is still very young AND old enough to know the errors of her 'ways'. View this situation as a chance to help guide your DD into proper behavior mode. She will need behavioral pointers forever! I know some adults that must have had parents 'drop the BEHAVIOR ball' when they were young. I base this call on these adults' inability to get along with others. Good luck to you!

 

[Kiwi]

The problem is not the frustration itself, every gymnast is going to feel frustration at times. It's how she is dealing with it. She needs to find a safe way to express her frustration and then move on. I agree with those who have suggested working with her on alternative behaviours that are more acceptable. Then let the coaches know what you've worked out with her so they can support this.

 

[Blazing15]

So just wanted to update you a little since our last conversation. Hailey has went to go see her doctor because not only is she having a problem at gymnastics but she is at home and school too. Her doctor believes that she has ADHD and is not able to control herself. They gave us some forms one for us to fill out, one for school and one for gymnastics. I am waiting on the one back from gymnastics and then the doctor is going to come up with a plan on how to help her. Could mean medication to help her brain slow down and help her focus a little more and be able to control her body movements.

 

[emorymom]

Hope to hear great things next!

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

i know some adults that must have had parents 'drop the behavior ball' when they were young. I base this call on these adults' inability to get along with others. Good luck to you!:d

love this!!! So true!!!

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

So just wanted to update you a little since our last conversation. Hailey has went to go see her doctor because not only is she having a problem at gymnastics but she is at home and school too. Her doctor believes that she has ADHD and is not able to control herself. They gave us some forms one for us to fill out, one for school and one for gymnastics. I am waiting on the one back from gymnastics and then the doctor is going to come up with a plan on how to help her. Could mean medication to help her brain slow down and help her focus a little more and be able to control her body movements.

I am so happy that you're having her evaluated!!! IF she truly has ADHD (which I see a lot of in my school), you will be amazed at the difference a trial of medication can make. Good luck to you.... and remember, if a child has diabetes, would anyone withhold insulin? No. The same thing w/ADD, ADHD.

 

[Blazing15]

Thanks Everyone. It was something that truly had to be considered about when we talked about taking her to her doctor. I did talk to the owner last night and let her know what was going on. She said she could my daughter having ADHD. She was very nice and understanding and I asked them not to give up on her yet. Hoping to get her form back tonight or this weekend so that I can get them back to the doctor and see what he has to say. Also she had gymnastics last night and had a really good night. Once in a while the coach would have to just give her a look and then she would do what she needed to but all in all it was a good night.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I am glad she had a good night - I hope you celebrated. My two boys both have ADHD and it is hard, but medication does help. I swore I would never medicate my child - ha! I had to eat my words on that one. You have to do what is best for your child and if she is having trouble in all areas - then it might be the route you have to go. Hope it all works out.