Parents When a Coach Doesn't Like Your Child

[Empowered]

So we all go through life and learn by the time we get to adulthood that not everyone is going to like you. Sometimes for no apparent reason there is a person who just loathes your existence on the planet and you have to learn to deal with it. Problem being my daughter isn't an adult. She just 10 and can't seem to understand why one particular coach doesn't like her and I am at a loss as to what to say to her.

At first I thought my daughter was just being overly sensitive, but I have watched the interraction between them and it really seems like this coach would like nothing more than for my child to never come to the gym again. In fact last night my daughter told me, "I think Coach Blah Blah wants me to quit so she doesn't have to coach me next year."

I don't see talking to this coach as helping at all. Of course she would just deny it and then my child would worry about being punished for talking to me about it. Unless something unforseeable happens, she is going to have to deal with this coach all next season (and she happens to coach my child's worst event which only compounds the situation).

I just hate seeing my daughter so affected by this. If she has this coach first event of the day, the rest of the day goes terribly every time because she is so frustrated and feels like she can't do anything well. Any of you more seasoned gym moms have any words of advice that I can say to her to work her past this?

 

[wallinbl]

I don't see talking to this coach as helping at all. Of course she would just deny it and then my child would worry about being punished for talking to me about it.

If you go at the subject head on, you'll probably get a denial. Presumably, there's some reason why the coach feels/acts that way. What you need to do is figure out what that is. Do you have any interaction with the coach? Having a healthy ongoing dialogue will help with that, but I wouldn't try to "confront" the situation. I'll bet that a few friendly conversations with the coach will lead to a hint about what about your daughter bothers her.

 

[Empowered]

I have never had a conversation with this coach nor have I ever been in a position to. She comes in and out a door the parents do not have access to and doesn't come where we sit/pick-up/drop-off. I would have to make an appointment or send an email to speak with her which would clearly kill all subtlty.

 

[TXmom]

Maybe you can set up a meeting to discuss her goals for your daughter on the apparatus and then you can go into the like/dislike concern? Then you are approaching it as a parent discussing your childs progress.

 

[gymgal]

I'm thinking I would approach it by setting up a meeting to discuss dd's struggles and confidence issues with that particular apparatus. You don't have to mention the fact that the coach is the suspected reason for these issues. Just let her know you are concerned about these struggles and wonder if there is anything dd or you can do to help get past it. Parents and coaches have these types of discussions all the time and it won't send out a red flag of accusation as long as you approach it as a concern about your dd and not the coach. You should get a pretty good feel for what is really going on by this conversation and then you can decide what to do with that info - whether it means to approach the owner, have a 2nd sit down with the coach, or just let your dd handle it.

As a person who works with kiddos, I can say I have never had one that I truly couldn't stand to work with but some are definitely more frustrating than others. Of course, as a professional and an adult, I know it is *my* responsibility to keep my composure, even on bad days, and not let affect how I am treating that child.

It could be that this coach is letting her/his frustrations show too much and doesn't realize it. It could be that you dd is doing something to precipitate this, then she can learn to fix it.

If it truly is a bad attitude on the coach's part toward just your dd and the other coaches have no problem with your dd, then I'd want to bring it up with the owner/director.

 

[Sparky]

I would set up a meeting, and at that meeting I would let the coach know that your dd is having some problems with xyz (I would probably even fudge it a bit and make it about having trouble with a certain skill, etc. - like TXmom suggested), and ask the coach how she thinks it would best be handled. I think you will find out pretty quick how the coach feels about your dd - the coach will either be concerned and helpful, or will completely blow you off. Either way, now she knows you are aware of the situation. IMHO, it is imperative that you NOT just leave the situation alone because your dd is afraid of repercussions. If this coach truly has some issue with your child that is affecting not only her training, but likely her self esteem, then something needs to be done sooner rather than later.

Definitely a difficult situation, but I agree with the other posters that it should be addressed. I hate it when our little ones have to deal with stuff like this.

 

[gymmomtoo]

Like the responses so far. I would definitely set up a meeting and I would probably even address the subject by saying something like (after saying you know she's struggling on that event)... "DD also feels that you don't like her and I think that feeling is affecting her progress when you coach her too. Is there anything we can do at home to help her past this feeling?" Or something like that--trying to not just say "I've watched you and you clearly are mean to her! Shape up!" but more "this is what she's feeling--how can we help." The coach can't negate your daughter's feeling. And she WILL have to change how she acts (at least for awhile) because now she knows that you know--even though you didn't come out and accuse her of anything.

If you can, I would also drop in and watch practice now and again.

 

[Ingwe]

I have recently had some experience with this. My dd felt that one of her coaches didn't like her. She was coming home from practice every night "complaining" about things that were being said to her etc.
At 1st I thought she was being overly sensitive. The breaking point came a few weeks ago when she just melted down. It had affected her practices, her attitude etc.

I asked to have a meeting to clear the air. This is what I said:

Coach, ........ Thinks that you don't like her. Although I have never witnessed you being mean to her, this is how she is feeling. Even if you love her, right now she feels that you hate her. I am hoping that we can figure out a way to make her feel good about your feelings towards her. If she feels that you hate her then it going to be very difficult for you to coach her and for her to be coached.

I then had my dd come into the meeting. She was able to express how she felt, she was heard by her coach, and in the end I think they both ended up in a better place.

It was so hard to do, it was uncomfortable, quite awkward at times but I am so glad that I did it.

Also, my DD's feelings were starting to affect how I felt about the coach. I could not see things ending well if I didn't address the situation.

My very long point is, talk to this coach before things go too far. Your Dd needs to feel positive about the person coaching her, if she doesn't it is just going to have a negative effect on her gymnastics.

 

[kimskids]

Not sure what advice to give but I am sorry you are dealing with this. I just hope that if the situation is not addressed that it does not affect your daughters love of gymnastics.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

this is very unusual.

 

[momofagymmie]

This happened with us a long time ago. You could see the coach lose interest in one or two gymnasts each year. Usually the gymnast ended up leaving. When it happened to us we did have a consultation with the coach. We didnt confront just said dd seems to be having trouble progressing. The response was very informative. DD was too big and should perhaps become an assistant coach help out the rest of the team.. DD was 12!! We moved to a new gym. DD is now a L10 and will compete in college!! DD learned a very good lesson just cause someone says you can't do it doesn't mean you can't that's just that one person's opinion.

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[wallinbl]

This happened with us a long time ago. You could see the coach lose interest in one or two gymnasts each year. Usually the gymnast ended up leaving. When it happened to us we did have a consultation with the coach. We didnt confront just said dd seems to be having trouble progressing. The response was very informative. DD was too big and should perhaps become an assistant coach help out the rest of the team.. DD was 12!! We moved to a new gym. DD is now a L10 and will compete in college!! DD learned a very good lesson just cause someone says you can't do it doesn't mean you can't that's just that one person's opinion.

I think sometimes it just comes down to style/compatibility. That's not an excuse for the coach, as they're the adult and getting paid, but I think it happens. It happened with me playing club soccer as a kid. With one coach, I did great, played all the time and did well. When we later changed coaches, he didn't seem to see any value in me and I hardly played after that until I moved to a new state (and new team/coach). It wasn't that I couldn't play, I just didn't mesh with whatever it was he was looking for. He did little to communicate what he wanted to me, and I did little to try to figure out what he wanted - we just kind of let the relationship deteriorate until I quit the team.

Probably could have fixed that with better dialogue.

 

[MaryA]

This happened with us a long time ago. You could see the coach lose interest in one or two gymnasts each year. Usually the gymnast ended up leaving. When it happened to us we did have a consultation with the coach. We didnt confront just said dd seems to be having trouble progressing. The response was very informative. DD was too big and should perhaps become an assistant coach help out the rest of the team.. DD was 12!! We moved to a new gym. DD is now a L10 and will compete in college!! DD learned a very good lesson just cause someone says you can't do it doesn't mean you can't that's just that one person's opinion.

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"There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say 'Watch me!' "

When I read this quote, I liked it so much I had it printed on a t-shirt for DD, with the entire quote up through "say..." on the back and a leaping gymnast aand the words "watch me!" on the front. Your DD is living proof that it's true!

 

[niklum]

I think sometimes it just comes down to style/compatibility. That's not an excuse for the coach, as they're the adult and getting paid, but I think it happens. It happened with me playing club soccer as a kid. With one coach, I did great, played all the time and did well. When we later changed coaches, he didn't seem to see any value in me and I hardly played after that until I moved to a new state (and new team/coach). It wasn't that I couldn't play, I just didn't mesh with whatever it was he was looking for. He did little to communicate what he wanted to me, and I did little to try to figure out what he wanted - we just kind of let the relationship deteriorate until I quit the team.

Probably could have fixed that with better dialogue.

You make a really good point. It can often be a question of personality conflicts or that the coach is just looking for something different. When it gets to the point that the child doesn't feel that the coach believes in her, though, she'll stop believing in herself, and it's a downward spiral. My DD is going through the same thing. I tried talking to her team coach and, by her accounts, it's getting worse. We're looking into a new gym to improve the situation.

 

[JennyJones]

Talk to the front desk at the gym (or whomever can contact the coach for you) and say that you would like the coach's contact information (i.e. phone #, email, etc). I would VERY nicely talk with her about your dd's "progress" on her event. Then I would mention that your dd seems a little insecure in this event. Ask the coach what might help and then mention how your dd responds well to encouragement and perhaps both of you could help her by saying encouraging words.

I think she'll get it.