Parents Would you tell your DD if you thought the doctor was about to retire her from gym?

[wallinbl]

She's had back problems on and off. Been to orthos and chiros and in PT various times. This time, x-rays show several issues, one of which is effectively the end of gymnastics (x-ray has been seen by ortho, radiologist, and another doctor, and diagnosis agreed upon by all). She's been referred to a spine specialist, but appointment isn't for a week and a half. In the meantime, she's out of the gym, of course. For now, she's simply annoyed at being out for that long, and is fully expecting to just get a list of what she can't do, work through the PT, and get back to it. She has no idea that there is a very high likelihood this is it for good.

I can't even think about breaking this to her, but it seems wrong to let it come from the doctor. Also seems wrong to scare her with it on the chance the doctor doesn't go that route (other doctors generally agree it's over, and reading past threads on here suggest it's over).

(She's L10, has some interest from colleges, so I'm sure it seems like her dreams are nearly within her grasp at this point)

Thoughts?

 

[Aussie_coach]

Perhaps it's the end of her competitive gymnastics career, but it doesn't have to be the end of gymnastics in her life. Perhaps she would be interested in working towards becoming a part time coach or judge?

 

[wallinbl]

Perhaps it's the end of her competitive gymnastics career, but it doesn't have to be the end of gymnastics in her life. Perhaps she would be interested in working towards becoming a part time coach or judge?

She's always intended to coach, just not this young! If she's interested, it's definitely something we'll discuss with the gym.

 

[profmom]

Oh, my! No good advice for you, but I am so sorry for her and for you. This is very tough.

 

[B&M's mom]

Does she understand the issue and the long term consequences? Not just the end of gymnastics but for the rest of her life if it isn't dealt with? That information seemed to help my daughter who was at a similar place, come to grips with the end of gymnastics. I didn't want to be the person to end it and was relieved when she realized that pushing through would result in more damage that could impact the rest of her life.

So sorry! It's a horrible place to be in to watch everything they worked so hard for come to a hard end. There is life after gymnastics. My daughter is enjoying high school, doing things she never had time for before.

 

[skschlag]

When my ds was potentially facing a bilateral pars fracture, we did discuss the ramifications of that diagnosis. I wanted him to be prepared for whatever came. We discussed all possible diagnosis and what that meant for him and gymnastics. he was 12. It did upset him, a lot, but it was a good talk. When the diagnosis came back negative for fractures, he was relieved and happy.

I am not sure that it will be easy, but maybe just going through the potential diagnoses and their outcomes. You can discuss the possible issues for life, for gymnastics, etc.

Good luck! I hope you get a different prognosis than you think. Sorry about this. it definitely isn't easy.....

 

[tucktwisttumble]

How old is she? I think that would make a difference as to whom I would want to hear the news from.
If she is old enough to 'grasp' how the doctor might explain it/ or understand the severity of the situation, let it come from the doctor - and you be the supportive mom who she can seek comfort from
But if she is young enough to maybe not understand the doctors medical jargon, or the severity of the injury - I think its best you explain it as her Mommy.
At the end of the day, you know your kiddo the best - and how she reacts to direction from authority (doctors/teachers/ coaches) v.s loved ones (mom & dad) - go with your gut, its never wrong.

Good luck - I'm so sorry you and your daughter are in this situation.

 

[QueenBee]

Oh, my! No good advice for you, but I am so sorry for her and for you. This is very tough.

Ditto. (((HUGS)))

 

[gymgal]

We faced this last year before we knew the severity of dd's injury. I decided that she should know all the possibilities. I did not want her to be blindsided at the doctor's office. Mine is in high school and mature enough to process the discussion without incorrectly interpreting that I was saying 'this is the end of gymnastics', which is how a younger child would be more likely to process it.

Depending on her age, you could also ask her what she prefers - hearing all the possibilities or waiting for the dr appointment. Some people are the type that research everything ahead of time to be fully prepared (me) and others would prefer to just wait and hear it from the doctor directly. Since you don't know for certain what the doctor will say, she may decide to just wait to hear it directly.

 

[John]

How old is she? I think that would make a difference as to whom I would want to hear the news from.
If she is old enough to 'grasp' how the doctor might explain it/ or understand the severity of the situation, let it come from the doctor - and you be the supportive mom who she can seek comfort from
But if she is young enough to maybe not understand the doctors medical jargon, or the severity of the injury - I think its best you explain it as her Mommy.
At the end of the day, you know your kiddo the best - and how she reacts to direction from authority (doctors/teachers/ coaches) v.s loved ones (mom & dad) - go with your gut, its never wrong.

Good luck - I'm so sorry you and your daughter are in this situation.

We faced this last year before we knew the severity of dd's injury. I decided that she should know all the possibilities. I did not want her to be blindsided at the doctor's office. Mine is in high school and mature enough to process the discussion without incorrectly interpreting that I was saying 'this is the end of gymnastics', which is how a younger child would be more likely to process it.

Depending on her age, you could also ask her what she prefers - hearing all the possibilities or waiting for the dr appointment. Some people are the type that research everything ahead of time to be fully prepared (me) and others would prefer to just wait and hear it from the doctor directly. Since you don't know for certain what the doctor will say, she may decide to just wait to hear it directly.

Both of these suggestion sound spot on. Maybe combine the two? Ask her if she would like to discuss what the doctors may say but make it simple this could be the outcome for each diagnosis. As your mom I do not have the expertise we are just trying to prepare you. Then hold her hand when the doctors give her the diagnosis.

So sorry I do not know her but it makes me feel sad.

 

[duyetanh]

This is all very good advice. I am so so sorry. A good friend of ours is also going through this now, and its heartbreaking. The only other thing i can think of is when one door closes another door opens. I know that saying might sound really annoying right now but it is true...you can always talk about the other options for her once the dust settles, so to speak. I am betting she would be one heck of a diver.
Good luck, and again, so sorry.

 

[Lilou]

First off, I want to say this is one of those really hard times to be in as a parent and for the gymnast. I'm really sorry to hear about this for your daughter.
I also agree with others saying, perhaps prepare your daughter for a couple of the various outcomes that she may hear and then help her just be ready to hear for any of those.
No one wants to be forced in to retirement from their sport when in their head they're not ready or done. There is a grieving process if it comes to this for your daughter and I think letting her grieve through it in a healthy way is normal. I also think staying involved and giving back to young gymmies might help her still feel connected. It is true that she is young and she does not want to set herself up for a lifetime of chronic pain from this. While it will be hard for her to hear right now, there are so many other sports and activities that she learn to love too. Good luck... this is not easy for anyone involved.

 

[wallinbl]

She's 14, so she generally understands what's discussed from this standpoint, and she's had her share of time in the ortho/chiro office, so she probably knows more than most kids. The more time passes, the more we lean towards telling her the possibilities ahead of time, which seems to be the general consensus here.

We have brought up other sports with her in the past - diving, pole vaulting, etc. Never more than casual mentions, but really just our own hope she'd find some spark that might have steered her away from the sport that kept breaking her body.

She's very sharp in regards to her ability to watch other gymnasts and know what corrections they need, and coaches have commented on that, but her delivery is, well, blunt.

 

[profmom]

I want to underline what Lilou said about grieving. I'm sure that if she does have to leave gym, she will move on to something new and do great things with all of what she's learned from gym, but it's fine if it takes her a while to get to a place where she is ready to move on.

 

[B&M's mom]

Just a note of caution, I wouldn't focus on specific sports that she might want to try until you know what the limitations are. Diving, while a great sport, does involve the back and my daughter has mentioned that a number of divers have had back issues from the sport.

You and she may have some time before she can actually get into a sport as her injury will need to recover. It was during that period that my daughter actually started getting excited about trying a new sport. By that point, she had had some time to distance herself mentally from gymnastics.

At 14 your daughter is still very young and can easily transition into a new sport, if she wants. Chances are she'd be able to make up ground in that sport quickly given her background. Plus, she'll have time for any number of different activities. My DD found that she really enjoys service clubs and is now an active member in several. And she now has time to get her homework done without staying up until late in the night.

It's also ok if you grieve the loss. You've been a gymnastics mom for many years. I missed the friends that I had made at the gym even though I've kept in touch with several. I even missed the organized chaos of meet season. In some ways, I think that it was harder on me emotionally than her as while she was leaving a sport she loved, she had been living with the pain for too long and not having to deal with that any longer was a relief. Thankfully, she was able to find new activities to take its place. But as she's a teenager, I don't need to be there as much so there was a major shift in my role which took me some getting used to.

Know that we are here for you. I hope the appointment goes better than you anticipate!

 

[thefellowsmom]

I’m just so sorry. No real advice others haven’t given, just have sat in that office and listened to doctor a know how scary it is. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

 

[Flyaway]

There's been a lot of great advice in this thread so I have nothing to add other than I'm sorry you and your dd are going through this. Truly heartbreaking in the moment - even though perspective may come later, it doesn't remove the sting now. Thinking of you guys.

 

[Tuppy]

No experience with my daughter, but I have been the receiver of bad news for other family. I think it will be helpful that you are ready to get information and ask questions so she understands the long term consequences and options she has, so she can understand all the facts and go from there. I think as the receiver it's confusing, and being able to get the relevant information so you can digest it after as a family will be helpful. But I'm so sorry that this happening and I hope the appointment is much better than you expect.

 

[NewtoGym]

Was she not in the room with the dr for the results/discussions? I would def want my daughter to hear the news from the dr and not me. That way it is just facts without emotions involved.

 

[wallinbl]

Was she not in the room with the dr for the results/discussions? I would def want my daughter to hear the news from the dr and not me. That way it is just facts without emotions involved.

Long story short, none of these results were revealed during a visit. x-rays were taken at chiro; results were sent to ortho and radiologist, who each called me with results and recommendations for spine specialist.

She pinned me down with questions tonight, and I told her there was a chance that this injury would result in the doctor telling her she couldn't do it anymore. Wasn't how I would have done it, but questions were voluminous and specific, so I had to either stonewall or tell her what I knew. She hasn't reacted much, but knowing her, she's concocted a path forward in her head and she's convinced herself that's the one. She did ask how she could do scholarship college sports if she couldn't do gym. Not sure if that's because she wants the experience, or because she thinks she needs an athletic scholarship to even attend. Will have to keep talking on that one.