Parents Best advice ever! Thank you! (leaving gym at the gym).

[Jen H.]

At some point I think I was starting to turn into one of "those parents", the ones that interrogate their child after gym practice. I could see that it was making my girl uncomfortable but I was just so desperate to know what was going on with her during her 16 hours a week away from home.

I don't have the luxury/burden of being able to hang out at the gym very often and the only time I really ever get to see her is during warm-ups and cool-downs, so nothing too exciting there.
She started getting pissy with me on the rides home, or when she arrived home. It finally clicked that it was me (and husband) that were likely the biggest source of her irritation.
He and I had a conversation about it, and figured out that she needed the down time on the ride home to just chill out and get back to her regular self, leave gym at the gym.

There has been such a huge difference in her attitude in the evenings!
I have to bite my tongue at times, because I really do want to know what she is working on and what she is struggling with, but it has to be a conversation led by her or she will feel defensive, or just doesn't want to talk about it.

We always have snuggle time at bed time, and have always asked each other "What do you want to talk about", and if she want to talk about gym at that time she can, if not, I am learning to mind my bidness!


I have read on here over and over again how important it is for our children to have a separation between "gym time" and "home time". SO TRUE!!!

Thank you oh wise ones!:applause:

 

[Deleted member D3987]

1 parent at a time...

 

[skschlag]

LOL Dunno!

My ds and I reached an agreement. I ask...how was practice? He can elaborate or not as much as he wants. He actually gets mad if I don't ask something. So..that was our deal. He can tell me everything, or just one word and move on.

We even do the same thing after meets. He is usually pretty pumped, but we let him talk about whatever he wants! Usually, it is the snacks they had between events, or what he wants to do later. Every now and then he wants to talk about the meet...or the places, etc. Then that's it!

I love that it is HIS, and he sets his own goals, etc.

Great feeling, isn't it, Jen H? I certainly enjoy it more!!!

 

[gasrgoose]

We have 3 kids in 3 very different sports but the same rule applies. Just be a mom or dad and love them. No coaching, no judging, no interrogating.... It's hard sometimes, especially when you can tell they have had a difficult practice, meet, game etc... But we just have to "stay on track"

 

[Sparky]

Yep, definitely a "tried and true" method that I also employ - works WAY better than trying to start a conversation in the car on the ride home, LOL. My dd even knows that if she wants to butter me up for something, all she has to do is feed a few gym tidbits my way and I'm putty in her hands, LOL.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I always ask how practice was (as I do with all my kids regardless of the sport) and I guess my dd likes to talk about it because she goes on and on! Some nights she won't stop talking, telling me every little detail. I usually don't know what she is talking about but if she has gone on and on about a skill she is struggling with I will ask her how it was on the next trip home. I guess I think that just shows that I am interested and paying attention (although it frequently doesn't matter how well I am paying attention as I still don't understand when she is trying to describe a new skill). I didn't realize it was "bad" to talk about gymnastics with your gymnast. I'll keep in mind not to push it if she doesn't talk though. I don't want her to feel like I am controlling anything. Who knew parenting was going to be so hard?

 

[SignHere]

Hmmm... I have ALWAYS asked my DDs (I have 2 on team, 1 on preteam), " Did you have fun tonight at practice?". Little ones get "Did you listen to your coach?", and, occasionally, I'll ask "Did you work hard?"

I have my reasons for asking these questions, specifically. I think it would be like "the elephant in the room" to pick my daughter up from an activity where she had just spent 4 hours and talk about the fish sticks she had at school that day.

 

[gymmomtoo]

I do this with DD now too--she knows if she doesn't feel like talking, then she doesn't have to, but she has to talk occasionally to keep me from going crazy LOL!

LOL Dunno!

My ds and I reached an agreement. I ask...how was practice? He can elaborate or not as much as he wants. He actually gets mad if I don't ask something. So..that was our deal. He can tell me everything, or just one word and move on.

We even do the same thing after meets. He is usually pretty pumped, but we let him talk about whatever he wants! Usually, it is the snacks they had between events, or what he wants to do later. Every now and then he wants to talk about the meet...or the places, etc. Then that's it!

I love that it is HIS, and he sets his own goals, etc.

Great feeling, isn't it, Jen H? I certainly enjoy it more!!!

 

[gasrgoose]

I always ask how practice was (as I do with all my kids regardless of the sport) and I guess my dd likes to talk about it because she goes on and on! Some nights she won't stop talking, telling me every little detail. I usually don't know what she is talking about but if she has gone on and on about a skill she is struggling with I will ask her how it was on the next trip home. I guess I think that just shows that I am interested and paying attention (although it frequently doesn't matter how well I am paying attention as I still don't understand when she is trying to describe a new skill). I didn't realize it was "bad" to talk about gymnastics with your gymnast. I'll keep in mind not to push it if she doesn't talk though. I don't want her to feel like I am controlling anything. Who knew parenting was going to be so hard?

This sounds like a healthy conversation.

I'll give an example from our gym last night of a not so healthy conversation.

At our gym if you get a new skill, not once, but you "have it" you ring the bell and everyone in the gym stops and watches you perform the skill and then applauds crazily. So last night a girl gets RO BHS BT on the floor and gets to ring the bell. Dad was there watching, as were most parents because it was pickup time. Little girl comes off the floor rushes to her dad and says "Did you see me?? I can't wait to tell Mom!!" Dad responds " Yea I saw you, you need to make sure you jump high enough so it's easy to flip....." Then says "Oh yea good job" And as they are walking out the door of the gym the conversation continues with the girl excited about the new skill and the dad pointing out the errors he perceives. You could almost see the disappointment in the girl as she left. I bet if she had a choice she would have rather gone home in a taxi than ride with her dad questioning her every move in the gym. As the walked past me I said to the little girl "Great job getting your new skill", she's never seen me before but it sure did make her smile.

Obviously not all are this bad and it isn't bad to talk about gymnastics. It's just usually better if the kid leads the discussion about their activity.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

what's bad is that i have been listening to that kind of dialogue going back over 40 years.

 

[wallinbl]

It'd be nice if they'd throw us a bone once in a while. Seems like every ride home goes like this:

Me: How was practice?
DD: Good
Me: What was the best part?
DD: Floor
Me: Did you get to do anything new?
DD: (Might actually answer this question with some actual dialogue)
Me: Did you have fun?
DD: Yeah

 

[Tumblequeensmom]

Definitely the BEST advice EVER. So glad you've seen a change in attitude with your daughter. They face enough pressure from their coaches at practice, they don't need added pressure from us. Yes, even ASKING about practice is interpreted as pressure. Been there, done that! As for me..... I learned long ago that my practice of "dump and run" worked best for us. My DD didn't want me hanging around to "observe," and I found it best to keep my own sanity to stay away from the crazy parents who were overly involved and wanted to dissect every minute of practice! I

 

[wallinbl]

Yes, even ASKING about practice is interpreted as pressure. Been there, done that! As for me..... I learned long ago that my practice of "dump and run" worked best for us.

I assume that's different for everyone. I have a friend whose DD quit gymnastics because she didn't like her parents' apathy about gymnastics. Her parents weren't at all apathetic about it and really liked it, but tried to stand back and not pressure. I think both daughter and parents are now disappointed that it came to quitting, and it was really just that the communication wasn't very good.

DD loves it when we watch and lights up when she sees through the window that one of us is there watching. I think that's somewhat evenly divided at our gym - there are plenty of girls that visibly like seeing their parents watch and there are plenty that (from my observation and interpretation) seem to want their parents to not be there.

 

[Natasha]

I assume that's different for everyone. I have a friend whose DD quit gymnastics because she didn't like her parents' apathy about gymnastics. Her parents weren't at all apathetic about it and really liked it, but tried to stand back and not pressure. I think both daughter and parents are now disappointed that it came to quitting, and it was really just that the communication wasn't very good.

DD loves it when we watch and lights up when she sees through the window that one of us is there watching. I think that's somewhat evenly divided at our gym - there are plenty of girls that visibly like seeing their parents watch and there are plenty that (from my observation and interpretation) seem to want their parents to not be there.

I agree. My daughter would think it was weird if I didn't ask "how was practice?" Just as she would think it was weird if I didn't ask "How was school?" However, I do not drill about practice if she says "fine" we just leave it at that. School usually gets more follow up after the "fine" answer. Do you have homework...Did you get your project finished.....what are you learning about in ______? Follow up questions from gym are usually more like "did you do anything fun?" or "What was your favorite part?" Sometimes though I can tell she is just tired, and we don't talk about it past "fine." For a while she was going through issues with her teammates, so most of the discussions were about interactions with her teammates and talking through how to handle it all. I don't ever ask "did you do your (current struggling skill) today?" because I know if she did do it she will tell me. In fact, I really don't think I ask specific questions about skills at all. I think it is so important to keep the communication open about the gym (and school and any other activity that your child is involved in for that many hours a day.) If we don't ever talk about what goes on at the gym, how do you know that your child is doing okay? And by okay, I mean emotionally, developmentally, etc, not skill wise. I think learning to have healthy conversations about gym is important, rather than just avoiding the conversations all together.

 

[SignHere]

"My daughter would think it was weird if I didn't ask "how was practice?" Just as she would think it was weird if I didn't ask "How was school?"

Gymtiger mom, I quoted you, because I totally agree! I wonder if there is SO much hatred of crazy gym moms, and the desire NOT to be branded one, that people on CB have a tendency to espouse the polar opposite of that - a totally hands -off approach. However, my kids are 11 and 7 , they are CHILDREN ... Thus they really need me to guide them in their lives and their decisions about their lives. If I never ask them how their activities are going, how am I supposed to do that?

Frankly, Dunno, I was a little surprised. Your advise usually is spot on, and I think you are a little radical on this one.

 

[Krystan]

My dd is one that absolutely loves it when I go watch practice. I need to limit myself though, for reasons OP mentioned, so I go once a week for an hour or two while ds is in his rec class. I love watching because I think it's amazing what she can do, how far she's come, and I do like to keep tabs, roughly, on how things are going. We do talk a little about practice in the car, but on her terms. For a while (when anxiety/fear was at its worst) I'd ask her to tell me three things she did well (or was proud of) that day. By the time we get home, I don't touch it though. I do at times feel the pull of the crazy-gym-mom inside me and I really need to set limits for her! It's good CB exists because it allows me to obsess a little without dd being aware, understand what's going on without my having to ask her questions, and, most importantly, like OP says, it puts things into perspective. The reminders to "trust the process" and "let dd own the sport" have been priceless.

Obviously every child (and parent) is different and requires different levels of involvement. I watch enough to stay somewhat informed and because dd likes it, but not enough to get obsessed. I talk to other moms enough to hear what's going on, but not too much - if I feel myself getting sucked in, I walk away or take out my book. I don't bug the coach at all unless something major is going on (ie. major anxiety issues last fall). It's a fine line and everyone needs to find where it lies for them, but I'm glad CB is here to put it in perspective!

 

[Krystan]

I think that's somewhat evenly divided at our gym - there are plenty of girls that visibly like seeing their parents watch and there are plenty that (from my observation and interpretation) seem to want their parents to not be there.

I wonder if the ones who don't like having their parents there are the ones with parents who "coach" them on the ride home (honey, you really need to keep your toes pointed) or who are bribing for scores.

(Although I know some kids even interpret "how did it go" as pressure, so I guess it depends.)

 

[thefellowsmom]

I took it too far on the way home the other night and The Fellows ended getting really upset. She was tired and I was anxious about other things and I just pushed for too much detail. I felt terrible, but out of it came a really great conversation where I actually asked her what she wanted. I told her that I could back off entirely and just keep it to a minimum and that upset her even more.

It turns out that she loves it when she looks up at the end of practice and sees me (I usually try to catch the last 20 minutes of practice or so). She wants me to watch and it turns out she wants some help and feedback as well. Not coaching, just able to discuss things with me.

But, she did tell me to wait until we get home so she can relax and just listen to music in the car, but also that she wants me to ask specific questions because it helps her review her practice and think about what went well and what didn't. She has some issues with organizing everything running through her head. It expresses it self mostly at school with open ended questions. So this actually provides a safe way to practice that and I was really proud that she saw that talking through it was helpful to her.

I think we both feel more relaxed about the whole thing now and we agreed that we will continue to have this discussion from time to time to make sure she is getting the level and type of support she needs.

Every kid is different. I learned a big lesson about remembering that she knows herself well and can tell me what she needs, if I remember to ask.

 

[my4buffaloes]

I have been thinking on this more and more. We practiced the "dump and run" at the first gym we were at - for 3 years. That was a mistake. Had we stayed and watched at least every now and then we would have picked up on problems at the gym much quicker. In the end it took my dh working there for a few months for us to realize how horrible the place was. We got out of there fast and I still regret that we never paid enough attention to realize there were issues.

 

[Deleted member D3987]

I took it too far on the way home the other night and The Fellows ended getting really upset. She was tired and I was anxious about other things and I just pushed for too much detail. I felt terrible, but out of it came a really great conversation where I actually asked her what she wanted. I told her that I could back off entirely and just keep it to a minimum and that upset her even more.

It turns out that she loves it when she looks up at the end of practice and sees me (I usually try to catch the last 20 minutes of practice or so). She wants me to watch and it turns out she wants some help and feedback as well. Not coaching, just able to discuss things with me.

But, she did tell me to wait until we get home so she can relax and just listen to music in the car, but also that she wants me to ask specific questions because it helps her review her practice and think about what went well and what didn't. She has some issues with organizing everything running through her head. It expresses it self mostly at school with open ended questions. So this actually provides a safe way to practice that and I was really proud that she saw that talking through it was helpful to her.

I think we both feel more relaxed about the whole thing now and we agreed that we will continue to have this discussion from time to time to make sure she is getting the level and type of support she needs.

Every kid is different. I learned a big lesson about remembering that she knows herself well and can tell me what she needs, if I remember to ask.

gymnasts are some of the most gifted and intelligent species to grace our planet.