Parents My daughter’s blog post about quitting level 10 gymnastics

[Exgymmomx3]

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[ginnymac]

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That is a great post! Thanks for sharing it!

 

[RTT2]

Beautifully written.

 

[Deleted member 18037]

You are allowed to walk away from something that isn’t serving you.

I can not love that enough....

 

[gymmom10]

Beautiful perspective. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Freddy's Fred]

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Thanks for sharing. It must have been a hard read as the parent. I am so glad that my older daughter left the sport after two years of 9 and really hope my younger one leaves before she starts high school. It has served us well, but man is there ever more to life than this.

 

[Exgymmomx3]

Thanks for sharing. It must have been a hard read as the parent. I am so glad that my older daughter left the sport after two years of 9 and really hope my younger one leaves before she starts high school. It has served us well, but man is there ever more to life than this.

The gymnastics story for our family, like many, was a very treacherous one. It was filled with much glory and much sorrow. I think that when many people look at high achieving athletes who are successful, they think they have it all. My daughter’s story is one of many that on the outside looked great and on the inside was crumbling. We were so lucky my daughter had great coaches that cared about her as a person not just as a gymnast and that Carly was able to tell her coach how she felt. This was key! Gymnastics is not everything! We are so lucky to have our healthy happy daughter and she has gone on to do many wonderful things outside of gymnastics just like a lot of former gymnasts do

 

[Faith]

*gymnastics depended on a toxic culture to breed success*

This. This is what needs to change.

One question for you as a parent. Did you realise the culture was so toxic? if you had realised the hurt and damage would you have changed anything? How does reading that blog make you feel?

I think part of the reason the toxic culture persists is parents, consciously or subconsciously, allow it or don't see it. Or they think it's what is needed for success, and that success will make the suffering worth it.

It's pervasive in many sports, not just gymnastics. I took my DD out of a club with a toxic culture. Only for the NGB to have taken over the job of apparently trying to destroy her self confidence and constantly find her lacking in comparison to others (that she beats regularly).

 

[Exgymmomx3]

*gymnastics depended on a toxic culture to breed success*

This. This is what needs to change.

One question for you as a parent. Did you realise the culture was so toxic? if you had realised the hurt and damage would you have changed anything? How does reading that blog make you feel?

I think part of the reason the toxic culture persists is parents, consciously or subconsciously, allow it or don't see it. Or they think it's what is needed for success, and that success will make the suffering worth it.

It's pervasive in many sports, not just gymnastics. I took my DD out of a club with a toxic culture. Only for the NGB to have taken over the job of apparently trying to destroy her self confidence and constantly find her lacking in comparison to others (that she beats regularly).

Thanks for asking what is SUCH an important question! I feel like I could write a book on this, so I will try to keep it succinct. I came from an elite training gym as a kid and had teammates make worlds/ Olympics etc. It was very a very abusive environment. I swore I would NEVER let any future children of mine do gymnastics. I had 4 kids. It was clear #1 was born to be in a gym. I wouldn’t allow it-we did other things. Until at 8 she was invited to a gymnastics b-day party. She was flipping around that gym and I had coaches surrounding me and she was begging me to take lessons. I aquiessed and I still look back and question that decision as it changed everything for our entire family. I tried my very hardest to keep her out of toxic environments, but as she was moving up the levels so quickly it became harder and harder as she didn’t always tell me what was really going on. She essentially knew I would intervene, as I had already pulled her out of previous toxic environments. She was very intense, very driven and would have done whatever it took to succeed. That was the scary part. I had to be ahead of her and know what was going on. She would defend the abusive coaching saying she was the problem. It was very complex. The gym we landed in the last 4 years was the best because they were good coaches and cared about her as a person. They were communicative with me as well.I truly wish we had never gone the gymnastics route, honestly. I blame myself because I Knew better. I had hoped it had changed since my days back in the 70’s. I got sucked in when coaches got so excited about her and I saw the talent and I truly didn’t know what to do. I thought we could stop it if it was bad, but it all went out of control so quickly. There is nothing anyone can say to make me feel worse about the situation than I’ve already said to myself. We went to therapy together to sort it all out and we have a very good relationship. I’m proud of her for writing the blog. It makes me emotional, but she wants to help others through her own difficult experiences. We certainly all hope the culture of gymnastics changes to a positive one for allThanks for your comments.

 

[Faith]

truly wish we had never gone the gymnastics route, honestly. I blame myself because I Knew better. I had hoped it had changed since my days back in the 70’s.

I was an 80's gymnast, in the day when the UK were looking at Russia, Romania, and the Eastern Bloc and copying their training practices. I also naively thought sport had moved on. I've done coaching courses, safeguarding courses, listened to them say all the right words about positive feedback and honestly thought this was being implemented- only to get in the gym and see the same bullying, manipulative coaching style.

I think the issue is, as with many abuse cases, the victims themselves don't see it. They are manipulated into a place where they believe it's their fault, if they want to see their dreams of olympics or NCAA the hours, and the pain is what they need to do. That they aren't tough enough. They hide that from parents because a)they're scared their parents will pull them out and b)they don't want to admit to their parents that they are doing aren't tough enough, or good enough, or whatever coach has said to them this week. Like you say it is very complex.

I pulled mine out of a club i think is toxic. DD hated me for it for a long while. She was doing well, big winning streak, international comps. She actually had a lovely coach- it was how other kids were treated and how the club owners treated DD. It goes both ways- I also have a lot of regret and worry I did the wrong thing. The club we moved to had a lot of coaching changes post 2016 and she got dropped into a lower ability group of her own age, but there was no where else to move to and she said she'd quit rather than move again.

The politics in elite sport are horrendous and I'm at the point where I want her off the national squad. She also has switched to looking at NCAA rather than senior elite as she doesn't like the culture either.

BTW although we started off in gymnastics, this is a different sport. It isn't just limited to gymnastics, it's an issue with sport full stop.

But anyway, I still have days where I think maybe I should have left her in club 1. I question that I was oversensitive and acting too quickly because of my own experiences. That she'd still have her goals of international elite and maybe she's have preferred to stay for that goal- especially as it wasn't directly affecting her. None of us have a crystal ball though.

The other issue is what do you do? none of the other parents saw it, even if they did they were all just happy their kid was the chosen one with coach x and were doing so well. So many people just excused it as the need to train hard and be tough on the kids if they wanted to go to the olympics. Although Coach x was very good at making other adults think it was the kids fault too...

We wouldn't stand for it in schools or anywhere else. So why is it OK in sport?