Parents New Gym, struggling with Coach Communication

[Derek]

So after 4 years at the same gym, we moved gyms back in April. The main coach has been a coach for 30+ years, but seems to struggle with communication both with the gymnasts (my 11 year old DD is afraid to ask questions) and with the parents. So last night my daughter was frustrated as she was doing vault with her teammates, and he had a correction for her, and he wanted her to go practice 10 times then come show him that she had it down. She followed his directions and when done, asked if she could show him, but he said that he was busy watching other girls. I understand, my daughter isn't the only one there, but he never watched her, and also wouldn't let her move on to the suke (sp?) vault. I told her that she needed to ask how he wants her to handle in the future so she can move on, but she is scared that he will get upset with her. I reached out to him via text asking how he would like her to handle it. He never responded, instead he pulled my daughter and the other two gymnasts on her team aside and said that they shouldn't go to their mommy and daddy to ask him questions, but instead they need to come to him. He said that it is unacceptable to go to their parents to ask questions and that he won't answer the parents. Just wanted to get a gauge. Am I wrong to be frustrated? Did I over step by reaching out to him? Thanks for any input.

 

[MILgymFAM]

Even if you overstepped (and I'm guessing you'll get told here that you did), he equally overstepped with his reaction IMO. There should definitely be a healthy dose of respect between coach/athlete and coach/parent. It sounds like the respect slides toward fear from the athlete perspective, andreapedt is lacking toward parents altogether. Not ok in my book.

 

[duyetanh]

Ugh. I am sorry. It doesn't sound like a good environment. May I ask why you left the first gym, and are there other options available?

 

[Lizandkatiemama]

If you do end up emailing the coach the vault is a Tsuk (short version of a more complicated name). My daughter loved it when they first started doing drills for it but thought it was called a "soup". LOL!

But honestly, that coach doesn't sound very nice. She was doing exactly what he asked her to do and he brushed her off & made her feel like she was bugging him! And then to chastise them the next day for talking to their parents about what happened is ridiculous.

 

[wallinbl]

In a lot of these situations, it would be interesting to have been a fly on the wall. Did the coach pull your DD aside and say "hey, please feel free to talk to me about your questions. I'm happy to answer them, and I'm your coach. Your parents are here to cheer for you, not coach you." Or, did the coach say "hey, don't cry to mommy. Grow up and stand up for yourself."

I always wonder how the fears of kids play into how the stories get told. (I'm not accusing your DD of anything here; I just know that my own kids aren't reliable story tellers, which makes it hard to know how to respond sometimes)

 

[mom2lingling]

Personally I don't like the gym norm that kids are not to talk to their mommy and daddy. That bond and relationship should never be jeopardized, in my opinion it has led to dangerous situations. I do support that parents are not coaches but gosh it seems like we can help facilitate communication breakdowns weather it is at school in the gym or elsewhere.

 

[duyetanh]

Also, just curious...is the coach American?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

In a lot of these situations, it would be interesting to have been a fly on the wall. Did the coach pull your DD aside and say "hey, please feel free to talk to me about your questions. I'm happy to answer them, and I'm your coach. Your parents are here to cheer for you, not coach you." Or, did the coach say "hey, don't cry to mommy. Grow up and stand up for yourself."

I agree that kids interpretations sometimes get skewed. But its pretty hard to misinterpret that.............

And there are actually multiple kids to ask and given that the coach rather then respond to the parents text, chose to ignore and not respond to the parent and lectured the kid.

Yeah I don't think the kid got it wrong.

I would be requesting a face to face meeting with the coach. On the very remote off chance its somehow being misconstrued.

But unlikely it would be a gym we would be at.

 

[John]

At DD's gym, emails to coaches about gymnast coach interactions are frowned upon. I have heard coaches say will your mother be emailing me about this tomorrow? But I will say the coaches will talk to the gymnast about anything in an open and caring manner. The coaches have a contract they sign with the gymnasts and it's my interpretation that the belief is that training is between the athlete and the coach. Sometimes that is hard for parents but we have choices and can always show our feelings by moving gyms.

I prefer kind caring coaches but fully understand that firmness is needed as skills becoming extremely difficult, incorrect form and a bale can result in tremendous injuries. (witnessed last friday night)

 

[gymisforeveryone]

Generally speaking, I don't like it when the kids don't talk to me but ask their parents to get involved and send me tons of e-mails and text messages about every little thing. Sometimes I have to roll my eyes when I read those messages from 13 year old gymnasts' parents asking me things the kids could easily ask me at practice. It irritates me how the parents don't seem to even try to teach their (pre-teen or teen) kids to speak to themselves.

BUT, I think that your situation doesn't sound like right to me. The coach should have watched her. Are you sure your daughter wasn't being sassy or having an attitude when the coach asked her to make those 10 corrections? Did she really do what the coach asked her to with good effort and great attitude, did she try her best and politely asked the coach to watch her after that? In my book it would still not be OK for an adult to say what the coach said, but I would make sure that your daughter told the full story. Did you ask her how she talked to the coach and how the coach answered? Was the coach being cranky or neutral?

 

[Deleted member 18037]

Sometimes I have to roll my eyes when I read those messages from 13 year old gymnasts' parents asking me things the kids could easily ask me at practice. It irritates me how the parents don't seem to even try to teach their (pre-teen or teen) kids to speak to themselves.

BUT, I think that your situation doesn't sound like right to me. The coach should have watched her. Are you sure your daughter wasn't being sassy or having an attitude when the coach asked her to make those 10 corrections? Did she really do what the coach asked her to with good effort and great attitude, did she try her best and politely asked the coach to watch her after that? In my book it would still not be OK for an adult to say what the coach said, but I would make sure that your daughter told the full story. Did you ask her how she talked to the coach and how the coach answered? Was the coach being cranky or neutral?

This too

And a coach should still respond to a parents text..................

Because first how did the parent get the text number????
And if the coach has a way he/she wants communication to happen. You actually have to communicate that to the parents and children. You don't just ignore the parent..........

 

[M2Abi]

I'm completely on board with having the gymnast learn to communicate with the coach directly. But when they are having an issue communicating and the parent is trying to facilitate the communication, for the coach to ignore them is not acceptable.

 

[gymnastmom05]

Wow, I just went through something similar (reaching out to the coach about a concern) this week and am so happy my DD's coach reacted much differently. I feel as parents we have to guide our kids and teach them how to manage situations (friends/coaches/teachers/etc) and sometimes that means giving them advice and other times I have to be the adult and step in when my child isn't capable (because she's still learning, growing, she ISN"T an adult). I emailed our coach, told him my DD didn't know I was reaching out (she still doesn't know I did) and he was very honest about the situation and I believe he took care of it at the next practice...without my DD knowing someone put a bug in his ear and brought her problem to his attention. Honestly, we all made out great - my DD didn't get mad at me (because she doesn't know), she got her problem worked on and the coach earned the title of "favorite" for helping her : ) I do think some coaches sometimes forget these are kids, they're growing and learning to be adults but their thinking still isn't there just yet. Not saying they shouldn't be working on it but we shouldn't be expecting perfection at this age.

 

[Texasmomof3]

My dd is older (9th grade), so she leads her communication with coaches, but I still also communicate with them from time to time. For example, she recently felt that she wanted some extra time to work on something she was struggling on in practice. She worked out with the coach that she could stay late one night to just work on a drill outside of practice. I did text the coach to confirm the day and time dd planned to stay late, so there would be no confusion. I would not have taken it well if the coach got upset with her or me about that. (Of course she didn't.)

Communication inside practice is a tougher call. My first thought is the coach is eastern European. Part of being an athlete is learning to communicate with her coach. I would not have contacted the coach but I would have helped dd rehearse how to have the conversation with the coach if she was hesitant.

Personally, I would let it go if you are otherwise happy with the gym. If you are unhappy with other aspects of the gym or have red flags about the coach, that would be another thing.

 

[Jenn's Jam]

Personally, I think that if he said exactly what you said Don't go crying to mommy.. ect ... then that's really not a great coach, Yes I get it that it would get annoying getting emails from parents with questions their gymmie could ask but if your DD is to scared to ask question then saying Don't go crying to mommy for sure wouldn't help that situation, and it also seems like the coach is holding her back as a vault is quick! it wouldn't take more then a few seconds to watch her then show her some drills for the vault she's learning or spot her a few times... If this continues on it could negatively impact your gymmie! That's not a good coach to have your gymmie with...

 

[MILgymFAM]

I've seen people post before that maybe Eastern Europe coaches just coach differently or have different expectations, etc. Maybe that's not good enough as a reason to be callous or out of touch anymore.

I'm not talking about the OP's situation anymore, just generalities, but just because something used to be "the way" in a certain time or place doesn't make it a worthy practice to continue.

My girls attended a Russian gym, full stop- one of DD's practices had actually been conducted solely in Russian before she joined the group. The coaches didn't all speak English well, but they were all, to the last one, open to communication and caring. The HC made more time for parents than any other coach we have ever met. In my girls minds- thanks to this experience- Eastern European coaches are the nicest, best coaches in the world.

 

[John]

DD also attends a European gym, Bulgarian. She comes home laughing at the coaches when the speak Bulgarian. She imitates them, maybe she will learn some of the language.

Her coaches are sweet, men. There is a woman and some college girls was well. HC\Owner will tell you outright he gets frustrated as he doesn't have all the correct words when speaking to patents. But man can he speak gymnastics to the kids and wants every girl to live up to her potential.

Gymnastics is long and hard journey find the coach your child clicks with, that my bottom line.

 

[penelope20_1999]

i would reiterate with your child that despite what the coach told them, it is important for your child to come to you and discuss problems or issues at gym that don't sit well. teaching a kid not to be able to confide in their trusted authority figure is unwise. tell your kid this.

now, when your kid comes to you then that is your opportunity to direct and lead... 1) recognize the problem and affirm you see it is there without condemnation 2) ask your child what they think a good solution would be 3) tell your kid whether you agree with it or if y'all should rethink it. 4) personally, i do both. i send my kid in and i email to give the teacher/coach a head's up

you are responsible for your child. you ask whatever you want to whenever you need to.

 

[Midwestmommy]

Red flag red flag red flag

Your daughter should be cimfortable talking to you about anything that makes her uncomfortable.

The proper response from the coach would be to email you back saying he'd like to discuss it with her, and make sure she is comfortable coming to him herself with that type of question.

Ignoring you completely is disrespectful. Period. You write the checks and you are the parent. The whole tone of his approach is a red flag-- mutual respect between all parties is healthy and SAFER. With all going on at USAG, it's amazing to me that any coach would not think about the bigger picture of keeping the environment and communication respectful.

 

[triplethreat+1]

The coaches response wasn't exactly appropriate, but honestly I can't imagine texting my DDs' coaches about something like that. Now maybe that's partially because we don't have any communication issues, but here's how I imagine the scenario:
Coach gives correction, tells DD to do 10 reps and show him before moving on. DD comes to coach when she is done. Coach is busy with Suzy.
I would expect DD to wait quietly near him until he is ready, or else ask coach what he wants her to work on until he is ready to watch her.
My DDs are 8 & 10, but unless I'm missing part of the picture, there are 1001 different situations that would require similar communication with coaches. I can't imagine how they would actually be able to train if they weren't able to do that.