Off Topic The joke thread

[Geoffrey Taucer]

1) The bartender says "we don't serve your kind."
A tachyon walks into a bar.

2) Two men walk into a bar.
The first says "I'll have some H2O."
The second says "That sounds good. I'll have some H2O, too."
The second man dies.

3) A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.


Anyway, share your jokes, be they good, bad, or just plain stupid.

[mod cap on]The only rule, of course, is that they be kid-appropriate.[mod cap off]

 

[Deanna]

My 6 yr old DD told me this one
Q. What do you call fake spaghetti?
A. Mockaroni

 

[mumoftwogymnasts]

DD's favourite joke....

Q.What do you give an elephant who is feeling sick?
A. A really big paper bag

 

[gymnastbeth]

I used to be good with word play...Once a pun a time.

 

[MaryA]

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?

Dam.

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

'Cause they have big fingers.

 

[gymmomntc2e6]

why do seagulls fly over the sea?

because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls (or bagels )

 

[Azgymmiemom]

Knock Knock...
...Who's there?
Interrupting Cow...
...Interrupting C-
Moo!!!

 

[Azgymmiemom]

and in true Arizona fashion...

Why did the cactus cross the road?

Because he was stuck to the chicken!

 

[cher062]

Q: Why do mermaids were sea shells?

A: because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.

 

[CoachGoofy]

This is my favorite joke ever. I don't know why, but it gets me every time:

Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says "Man, is it hot in here?"
The other one says
OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!

 

[MdGymMom01]

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

 

[MdGymMom01]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

 

[MdGymMom01]

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

 

[MdGymMom01]

And some ones from Steven Wright:


I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

_________________________________

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
_________________________________

I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

 

[bogwoppit]

My kids favourite one. It's not even funny, but it has them rolling.

Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed a kazoo!

Well it's a good job you didn't swallow a piano!

 

[Geoffrey Taucer]

Pi and i are having an argument.
i says "be rational!"
Pi responds "get real!"

 

[jen1957]

Want to hear a dirty joke?
The white horse fell in the mud.

 

[gymgurl]

I am a sucker for nerd jokes haha

Two atoms are walking down the street.
Says one atom to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
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A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"
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Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar
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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution
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What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe
--------------------------
I was going to tell you a good chemistry joke but i was afraid there would be no reaction
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I was going to tell you a good chemistry joke but all the good ones argon
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[AlexsGymmyMom]

Why did the blonde climb the tree with her briefcase?

She wanted to be a branch manager!